Resolutions

As we roll into another new year, I, like most everyone else on the planet, am trying to make a list in my head of all the resolutions I would like to make. Such as...

Start flossing. I mean, not just right before the biannual trip to the dentist. But a habitual, every day occurrence. Don't judge me. Like you floss. Please.

Stop drinking soda. I've made this resolution every single year. It never holds up. So this year I've decided to give myself a little leeway. No more soda EXCEPT Diet Mt. Dew. Everyone has their vices. And Diet Dew is mine. 2011 will not be without it.

Complete my second movie list. 40 movies. I can do that. I've done that.

Learn how to properly budget my dollars. I've been called a frugal before. I'm not worried about accidentally spending every dime I have or winding up eyeball-deep in credit card debt. But I want to learn how to be an adult and learn how to budget.

By the end of 2011, I want what I am henceforth referring to as "My Own." I want my own walls, my own mail, my own bed, my own sheets and pillows on that bed, my own gas in my own car, my own view from my own window. So what if I'm renting? So what if I got help getting there? I want to end 2011 with a whole bunch of "my owns."

And graduate college. And that's all I have to say about that.

I had a very interesting and all-in-all very satisfying 2010. It's very nice to have this blog. I can look back on so much this way. But 2011 will be different. Bigger. My life will change in 2011. Because I will graduate. I will move out of my parents' house. I will have to find a real job. I will have to pay my own bills. I will be on my own. It's scary as hell but I am very excited. May the Lord bless me and keep me. Gosh, am I allowed to say that to myself? I guess at times in life such as this, it's allowed in His eyes. I'd say He gets a nice chuckle because of me on multiple occasions. Here I am, freaking out, worrying, being me. And He has everything under control, much to my forgetfulness. I would be chuckling, too. It's part of why I love Him so much.

Here's to 2010. The smiles. The tears. The loves. The pain. The lessons learned. And here's to 2011. May the next chapter be one of equal richness and greater maturity. Happy new year, everyone. May all your resolutions, big or small, be realized. I am thinking of you tonight as the clock strikes twelve.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?

We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

Christmas Blog 2010

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play.
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of Peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how as the day had come
The belfries of all Christendom
Had roll'd along th' unbroken song
Of Peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair, I bow'd my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong and mocks the song,
Of Peace on earth, good will to men."

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound the carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearthstones of a continent,
And made forlorn, the households born
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep;
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With Peace on earth, good will to men."

Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Though another year has come and gone, God is still as ever present as He was, is, and will forever be. Though we go through good times, bad times, and even worse times, the bells of Christmas will forever ring as God's promise. He sent His own son to Earth, born to a virgin and in a manger, all those years ago. And these Christmas bells annually remind us that He is coming again.

Whatever you believe in this Christmas, it is my prayer that the season finds you merry.

Luke 2:13-14, "And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"

Life Imitating Art

I recently applied for a few jobs in hopes of making some extra cash over Christmas break. I applied to several different places but in all honesty I'm probably not going to get hired by any of them. I mean, if you were a retail store would YOU want to hire a 21 year old college student with no retail experience for only about 3 weeks during the busiest time of the year? Yeah, I don't think so. It's no biggie. I understand their plight completely. I wouldn't want to do that either. But in this whole process of job hunting, I started thinking about my profession. I love acting. I earnestly believe it's what I was put on this Earth to do. I feel the most at home and the most happy when I'm on stage or even just in front of an audience. Performing is my passion. I love it. And I am a firm believer that what a person's passions are defines them. Even Jesus said that where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. When Jesus spoke those words, He meant them in the context of being very careful where you place your heart; be picky about what you devote your time, your life to. But if God calls you to a passion, I say place your heart in it as much as you can. For where God calls you, there HE is also.

If life imitates art, what kind of life does the actor build?

I think that's why I'm such a people pleaser. When I'm on stage, I'm under total scrutiny. If I flub a line, the audience might not know...but then again they might totally know. If I break character, chances are they'll definitely know. And they laugh, sometimes not with you. I'm simply accustomed to being in the spotlight in the sense that everyone is paying attention to the things I do and say. But that is NOT how things are in the real world. The stage and reality are really far apart, no matter how much you want to debate me on that. If I flub a line or break "character" in real life, no one is probably going to know except me. But I've never looked at it that way. My friends and family are well aware that I wear my heart of my sleeve, that my face might as well be made of glass; the transparency of my emotions is utterly overwhelming. I've always brought that element of understanding of seemingly constant judgement into my reality. And sometimes I get my heart broken that way. Sometimes I embarrass myself that way. And worse, sometimes I hurt others this way. And that's the part I hate the most I think.

In a story told on stage or screen, there are usually 3 acts: the introduction/exposition; the rise of action or conflict; and the fall of action and the resolution. That's the key word right there: resolution. I sometimes feel like I'm sitting around waiting for answers that I'm sure are coming. Soon. Like old fairy tales, if the Big Bad Wolf eats Grandma then the Big Bad Wolf is going to meet his end. It's not even a question. Not to sound like a cynic, but in reality Big Bad Wolves eat Grandma's everyday for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (not literally... I mean, I guess this could be literal somewhere out there although I sure do hope not). What I mean is, the villains in life don't always get what they deserve. And what's worse is that often times the heroes don't reap the benefits of their good deeds either. Very little resolution lies out there for the taking. Gosh this post has slowly taken a turn for the depressing. How did that happen? I'm serious. I mean you kind readers no sadness. Gee whiz. Let me just get to my point...

My point IS that nothing in life ever happens like you expect. People might not care about what you say or how you say it or choices you make. Maybe the ones you want to care don't and the ones you don't want to care do. You might do something great and get ignored or cut down. You might do something really nasty and get rewarded. But life will never deal you the cards you expect or the cards you think you want.

But life will always deal you the cards you need.
This might be blasphemous, but God is the dealer.
And if that's the case, I'm going all in.

I'm kind of glad to be an actor, really. Escapism is a very precious gift. It's nice to live in a world where resolution and approval run free and happy. Even if it's only for a couple of hours a night in rehearsal. And I don't act to escape (all the time). No. I act for you. Because life, whether it is imitating art or not, is hard. And I want to be here to be the one who turns that frown of yours upside down. I hope I can succeed.

Did I bounce back from the depressing stuff? I hope so.

The Happiness Dress

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine earlier. I'd really like to share. I'm going to tell you a story. As you read it, you're going to think it's completely pointless and wonder where I'm going with it. But bear with me. For in the words of the great Elle Woods, "I have a point, I promise."

My senior year of high school, I went prom dress shopping with my mom one Saturday. Now there are some girls who buy their senior prom dresses days, weeks, months, YEARS in advance. It's kind of a big deal to some people. I, on the other hand, had put it off (of course). It was about a month before prom. When it comes down to it like that, you have to get your dresses then because if you wait all the good ones will be gone and you'll wind up with something frilly, sparkly, and (as I shudder) poofy. It ain't pretty.

So as I walked into the very first dress shop with my mom that day, I had a certain attitude. Some girls have a very specific preconceived notion about exactly what kind of dress they want. The color. The style. The length. Everything. And I had gone out dress shopping with those kinds of notions in the past. And every time I did, I always ended up very disappointed. Once you have that "perfect dress" in your mind, nothing else seems to measure up. You're left dissatisfied and settle for a dress you just kinda like. So that day I told myself that I needed to approach this hunt in an entirely new fashion (Ha, fashion. Get it?) I told myself, "Melanie, don't go in there with any kind of particulars in mind. Just find a dress that fits you and looks good on you."

The very first dress I tried on in the very first shop we went to was this bright orange number. It was strapless and sort of flared out at the bottom. It wasn't exactly my style considering that I'm much more of a jeans and flannel shirt kinda gal. But it was kind of pretty and my size so I thought, "Well, alright." And I tried it on.

This dress was perfect. On the hanger it was meh but on it was wow. It fit just right. No alterations would be needed. It was even reasonably priced. All in all, the perfect dress.

But I did not buy it right away. I thought, "Well yeah, this dress seems perfect. But this is the first shop I've been to, the first dress I've tried on. Surely there are other options out there. I'm going to just put this on hold and keep looking."

My mom and I went to about four other dress shops that day. Nothing else even came close. I knew as soon as we left that first shop that I was going to be coming back for that dress. And in the end, I did. And I wore it to my senior prom. And I felt like the prettiest girl in the room.

I didn't tell you this story to sound materialistic or vain. Not at all. This is my point...

If you try to find your perfect fits in this world, whether they be prom dresses or people, attempting to cram them into an "ideal mold" you've created will only leave you completely disappointed. Change your mold to fit the things that take your breath away. Only then will you find true satisfaction with the decisions that you make. Only then will you feel like the prettiest girl in the room.

This whole post really isn't about a dress at all.

Thanksgiving Blog 2010

I’m thankful for…

An old-fashioned heart
A sense of humor that keeps me laughing often
A love for all things cute and fluffy
The mountains
Water: lakes, rivers, oceans, you name it.
Good books
Good books about relationships
Good books about adventure
Good books about love
Good books about romance
Ah hell, I’ll just say it. I’m thankful for romance novels.
Broadway musicals and the people who love them
The sky from dusk til sunrise
Fiber optic Christmas Trees
Garden gnomes named Oscar
Junk food
Diet Mt. Dew
Sprite…a whole lot of it
Rain, but only when I’m listening to it while falling asleep
The rest of the time, sunshine
Or snow. Snow.
Singing while driving
Sutton Foster
Thrilling new pizza toppings
My secret prayer before I go to sleep each night
Sunday afternoons at Nana’s
Paula Deen
Harry Potter
Entertainers who never back down
Charleston, SC
New York City, NY
London, England
Walt Disney
Anything and everything Titanic
Cartoons
Used book stores
Wavy hair
Playing dress up at the age of 21
Home-made detective capes
Panda Pillow Pets
“That’s what she said” jokes
Inside jokes
Always being the last one to get the joke
Celebrity impressions…Daniel Day Lewis in particular
Manta rays
Yellow car
Men that prove that chivalry isn’t dead
Men that can tell a girl she is beautiful using only his eyes
Men with the balls to say it anyway
Pretending that my life has a soundtrack
Never settling for anything less than childhood dreams
Being obsessive-compulsive about neatness
Milligan College
Elizabethton, TN
The Well
Alt Nation, Live on Broadway, 70s on 7, 90s on 9, and Classic Vinyl
Driving alone
Sucking at sports
Funny voices
Euchre
Jason Segel
Dane Cook
My roommate’s Twitter account
The front porch of Hart Hall on Monday & Wednesday afternoons
Having whole conversations in movie quotes
Discovering that you aren’t the only one
Sleeping in
Sleeping in general
Friends with cameras
Intelligent conversations
Hilariously obnoxious conversations
Emotional outbursts
Genuine characters
Genuine people
Real people
A family that extends beyond a tree
Tomorrow’s promise


Psalm 107:1 “Give THANKS to the LORD for He is good. His LOVE endures forever.”

In the Great Wide Somewhere

Jo: Well, of course Aunt March prefers Amy over me. Why shouldn't she? I'm ugly and awkward and I always say the wrong things. I fly around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals. I love our home, but I'm just so fitful and I can't stand being here! I'm sorry, I'm sorry Marmee. There's just something really wrong with me. I want to change, but I - I can't. And I just know I'll never fit in anywhere.

A good talk with a beautiful friend of mine today reminded me how important this subject really is and how desperately I've been meaning to bring it up. Like Jo March and most every other woman of my young age, I find myself at a cross roads as of late. I think about these amazing women...actually no, simply amazing people...people who have gone out, stepped out of their bubble, their comfort zones, and found not only themselves but adventure and life. I crave that so much sometimes, I can't stand it. And lately I've started thinking, I need to stop thinking and just freakin' DO something about it!

We weren't meant to just sit around and wait forever. Of course, like I've stressed to myself all semester, patience is an incredibly important thing...but having a good life to wait for is equally important. Your life is in God's hands. He's the potter; you're the clay. But I don't want to be sitting on the spinning wheel as this nasty, unkept, dirty, hardening piece of clay. That's gross. No, I want to be fresh, clean, and most importantly moldable. And in order to do that, I need to start making some decisions.

The people around me...good friends of mine...their lives are changing and for the better. Some are going to travel to far off lands or across the country. Some are planning their weddings. Some are busy planting seeds that will surely be helping them out in the near future. One of my friends just released a legit music album. And all these endeavors of my friends, it makes me jump for joy. I'm so excited for all of them! It sincerely warms my heart to see so many people that I care so deeply about succeed. I want to be the kind of friend that is always going to show support and encouragement. But I can't help but ask myself the selfish question...

What about my own adventure?

I've grown up in East Tennessee. I'm an only child. My parents are incredibly supportive of me. My friends are the siblings I never had. I'm surrounded by love. I've gotten a great education. I've experienced culture and art in different cities. I've worked my way up the totem pole. I am 100% confident when I say that whatever journey God has planned for me, where I am right now is exactly where I'm supposed to be.

But graduation quickly approaches. What happens then? I'm not really scared or freaking out when I write this. I'm surprisingly (and uncharacteristically) calm. I'm just simply...curious. In a way, it's sort of thrilling to know that my life is going to change in just a few short months. Where will I be? Who will I meet? What will I be doing? I could do anything with the foundation I have, praise God.

I guess my biggest fear is that...
Nothing will change.
Everything will stay the same.
I'll move back home.
I won't take the leap.
Vanilla.

I can't do that. For heaven's sake! I can't do that! I won't let myself. I don't want to look back on my 22 year old self (that's how old I'll be come graduation) and think, "Man, I should have done this..." That would be a fate worse than death. I want my adventure. So bad. And the closer to May 7th I get, the stronger that desire grows.

That same friend that I mentioned earlier who just had am album released, well she's also extremely brilliant and she gave me a great piece of advice a while back.

"Mel, when I think about the things I regret the most in my life, it's not the things I did. It's the things I didn't do."

I know things will happen. I have faith. God will mold me and put me where I'm supposed to be. Theatre degree in my hand and all. But until then, I guess I can just pray and dream of the ideal.

I bought a travel guide book for Charleston the other day. $5.
I also bought a London calendar.

All I know is that somewhere through a clearing
There's a shimmering of sunlight on a river, long and wide
And I have such a river inside

She will be loved.

I probably shouldn't be writing at the moment. It could be dangerous. But I haven't written anything in a while. Part of the reason is because school has bogged me down somethin' awful and I just flat out haven't had time. Another (and probably the more prevalent reason) is because I just haven't had the patience to organize all my thoughts as of late. You know you're overloaded when...

But for now...I'll try. I feel like lately, that's all I'm doing: trying. I mean, why not, right? We have one life to live. We might as well keep trying everyday to make it the best possible life we can. And I can say with all honesty that this semester has been one of the best semesters of school I've ever had. I've done many things I've never done before. I've done things I'd never thought I'd have the opportunity to do. I've found myself introduced and reintroduced to people who have truly shaped me for the better. And I am so thankful that I serve such a loving God who takes such good care of me.

Especially considering that I don't deserve a shred of it.

When you have so much, all you can be is humble. I've tried to cocky thing. More than once. And I won't lie, sometimes being cocky feels really good. But only for a moment. One thing that has really come into focus for me over the past few weeks is that life is simply this moment. Right now. The past is gone. The future doesn't exist. Life is simply now. So when you look around at all the blessings you have in the "now," you have to be humble. Because sitting around thinking about how much you deserve it all will not get you very far.

But it's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along

Find those that shape you, those that challenge you, those who surprise you, those who impress you, those who intrigue you, those who make you laugh, those who love you. Those who love you. Those who love you. And hold on to these people. Fight for these people. Understand that they are just that...people. They're not angels. They're not demons. Just people. But people who are, nevertheless, very important to you. Have faith in people. It hurts sometimes. And sometimes you might want to throw in the towel.

But God never forgets any of His sheep. So why on Earth should we?

Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while

"Flight"

Listen to this and tell me you don't get chills. Simply gorgeous.

I don't know
But maybe I'm just a fool
I should keep to the ground
I should stay where I'm at
Maybe everyone has hunger like this
And the hunger will pass
But I can't think like that

Fly Me to the Moon...Check.

Photo by Mark Peacock

"I want what everyone wants...to want nothing."
"Don't condemn your audience before you've given them a chance to be kind."
"No one changes people. One simply makes changes that people learn to accept."

Words of wisdom from a very curious old lady.

I just wrapped a production of John Patrick's The Curious Savage. Words cannot describe what I'm feeling at the moment. But I'll try.

Relief
Sadness
Gladness
Joy
Homesickness
Victory
Humbleness
Clarity
Hopefulness

I'm just a mess of contradictions at the moment. But that's okay. It's allowed. I'll never forget this experience. I've done this show before. But I was only 16 at the time. I had no real grasp on the role, the play, or really on life. Although at 21, I'm not much closer to that grasp on life, I tried to make up for it otherwise. Two outta three ain't bad, they say. This play was more than a play to me. It was a mark on my personal life. Yes, people came and saw it. Yes, people said they thoroughly enjoyed it. But sitting here, on the first Monday night I've had free in over a month, I just keep thinking...

It's all for God's glory. Not my own. Not even my brilliant cast mates. Not even my amazing director. No. Just Him.

I'd be lying if I said the applause didn't feel good. Or that the compliments and praise don't elate me and make my actress head swell. They do. But I remain where I started. With two feet planted firmly on the ground. And God forgives my head being in the clouds every now and then. (Praise God for that, lol).

I speak as if I just cured cancer or flew to the moon. I didn't. No way. I was simply in a little production. But in my tiny little universe, I might as well have flown to the moon. But no one can pull off a feat like that alone. And so I credit all who gave me the courage, support, and means to fly all the way to the moon and back again safely. These are people that I know will continue to send me back there again and again if I'm willing. I thank God every day for these people. For without them, what adventure could I ever possibly explore?

I want to be Houston. I want to send others to the moon; much like curious Mrs. Savage, wanting to help others realize their foolish dreams. They're the most important ones, after all. I want every person I know to feel as elated as I felt standing on that stage last weekend. I want everyone I know to have that feeling of belonging...like you're right where God wants you to be...on your moon. Surround yourself with people that will get you there. Because there's nothing like it.

And once you get there, smile at Him. Because you're closer to Him at that moment than you've ever been before. Even if you're acting like a curious old lady. He can appreciate the entertainment, the foolishness. Because that's where He wants you.

So until the next trip...

VIPs (Very Important P's)

Prayer
There is nothing on this whole entire planet that can take the place of an intimate relationship with God. Prayer is your direct line to the Father. And He likes for you to call Him everyday to check in and see how things are going. If things are good, He wants to know about it. Tell Him all about your days. And when things are crummy, tell Him about it. He wants to help you out. He truly does. I would go so far to say never stop praying. Always be talking to Him. Never shut up. You might think He gets sick of listening to you, but nothing could be further from the truth. Babble. Ramble. Talk til your lungs give out (they won't). He enjoys it. And we should enjoy it, too.

Patience
Wait. Pause. Hold your horses. However you want to label it, ya gotta be patient. A lot of times, when we want something, we just go for it. When we don't get it, we're left disappointed and wondering why it's not ours and what we did wrong in the process. The key might not be WHAT we did but WHEN we did it. I know life is short and you can't just sit around and hope for blessings but I do believe that occasionally, some things are worth waiting for. Important things. Really important things. I think back on the biggest elements of my past...the things/people/events that have shaped me the most as a person. Those things did not happen overnight. Those things didn't happen in the blink of an eye. They took time. They took patience. But once I got them/got through them, I was never the same. And in the present, it's all good.

Persistence
Why be patient if you don't plan on being persistent? Part of patience is keeping a firm grasp on things. Knowing what your heart is set on and not letting go of it. When you have to wait and then you do and things are taking a little longer than you thought they would, are you just going to let go and forget it? Doesn't that seem like a waste of time? True belief in "getting" comes from getting a grip on your wants and needs and understanding what's worth holding on to. Don't let it go if it's really on your heart. Have faith.

Perspective
Open your mind. See all sides, the big picture. Travel. Talk to people. Read. Write. Do whatever you have to do to understand that the world does not revolve around you. We each have our own personal little "universe." There are lots of people in our universe. We know them. They are our friends. Our family. Our peers. Our co-workers. our enemies even. Our universe has a setting, a plot, characters. Now zoom out. Your universe is actually just a cog in the giant machine of the REAL universe. Essential? Yes. But center? Not by a long shot. In getting perspective, we are humbled. We are small. But we are also important and loved. Don't forget that part.

Practice
We all screw up. A lot. If at first you don't succeed...give up (as my theatre friends so ironically said the other day). But my friends were totally wrong (and joking) on this occasion. TRY, TRY AGAIN. If we didn't we'd all end up homeless, jobless, spouseless, friendless, old people. I don't know about you but I don't want that life. Ever. That life sounds God-awful. I want to keep trying. I want to keep putting myself out there. What kind of story will you tell about yourself when you really are old? "Oh yes, I encountered trials in my day as a youngster but I just gave up...ta-da!" ...Don't end up telling that story. Just...don't. K?

Perseverance
Sometimes in going through the rest of these "p's", it gets pretty tough. We try to be patient but we end up waiting around forever. With persistence, we end up trying too hard. With practice, we get easily frustrating with ourselves and our personal failures. So through all these seemingly impossible "p's" remember that you are gaining a TON of perseverance. And this "p" is pretty cool. Once we go through a tough experience, we come out of it with a little more wisdom than what we had when we went into it. That's also where perspective comes in here. When the bad stuff happens, yes it sucks and you're totally allowed to be pissed off at the world for a little while. Go right ahead. But don't be bitter for too long. Enjoy the perseverance. You're way stronger than you think you are. You can learn from everything that happens to you. And this strength cannot be gained any other way.

Priorities
Sort 'em out. Know what's number one. And number two. And three. And so on. Write it down if you need to. If superficial things reside at the top of your list, my friend, you need to reprioritize. Put the irreplaceable things at the top. Put the things that you absolutely can't live without at the top. Put the things you truly love at the top. Not the things you want. Not the things you think you need. Get real, honestly and sincerely. Once you have this "p" all sorted out and organized from top to bottom, it will change your attitude and your goals. And although they are not "p's", attitude and goals are two very important elements of life.

People
They'll bug you. They'll disappoint you. They'll piss you off. They'll hurt you. They can be so incredibly horrible sometimes, you wish you were on a deserted island, just so you can get away from everyone and all they're crap they bring with them. But...alas...people are important. Extremely. We need each other. Family. Friends. People are crucial to the human experience. Don't build walls. Let them in. Yes, there is a chance you'll get hurt there. So what? Let people in, gain some of the rest of these "p's." And maybe you'll gain some other nice things. Like love, trust, friendship, companionship, kindred spirits, humor, kindness, and help. People can help. Sometimes people help you the most when they don't even know it. And you know, you help other people when you don't realize it. You really do. People need you, too. So stick around for them. Be the kind of person that you know others can rely on, despite how others treat you. Be the kind of person that YOU would be friends with and trust completely. Don't run from company. You need it whether you like that or not.

Praise
We all crave the pat on the back. Good job, slugger. Way to go. You're awesome. But sometimes those pats on the back just...don't come. Is it always because we've done something "wrong"? No. But if we sit around all our lives expecting praise for what we do, how can we ever be humble? How can we ever do God's work? We can't. If people want to praise us, that's wonderful. But don't get hooked. Don't get addicted. Enjoy it when it happens, by all means. But what we must always do...no matter what...good times or bad...praise the Lord. He gives us all things. His love and mercy never stop. He created us. Give God the pat on the back! Tell Him how awesome you think He is. Bring that to your prayers! Don't leave it out. We are commanded. But it shouldn't be an obligation. It's a good feeling to praise God. It just gets harder to do when bad things happen. I know. It's really hard. But we have to rise above it. See Him through everything. He's there. And He's still just as awesome as He was when the good stuff was happening. Praise. Praise. Praise.

Power/Popularity/Politics/Pleasure/Peer Pressure
No. Just no. Don't go near any of them. They suck. No. No. No. That is all.

Lastly...

Peace
When peace like a river attendeth my way/ When sorrow like sea billows roll/ Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say/ It is well, it is well with my soul
Find peace. I can't tell you how to find it. It's a different journey for every person and every situation. Each discovery of peace, I think, is a totally unique experience. But when you find it, try to hold on to it. It's a true gift from God.

You know, "preaching" also begins with a "p." ...Maybe that's not a coincidence.

Racing: The Way It Oughtta Be.

Lately, the semester has begun to really pick up. It's becoming the whirlwind of business that I craved all summer long. I'm the type that really does enjoy having lots to do, keeping occupied and tasking. This year is no exception. Things are a little different this year though. Being a senior, I feel a little more...I don't know the right word...important (maybe?). It's probably the senioritis kicking in, but the way I see it after three long years of strenuous, hard work, I'm entitled to a little senioritis. I think any senior is. So I'm enjoying my classes and such a lot more than I have in the past because the finish line is so near. But then I stop and consider just how near that finish line really is. It's close, folks. Real close. Where did the time go?

The past week or so, a common theme has been appearing in my daily life: the race. I've been thinking a lot about it. Here I am, a senior in college, on the verge of independence, adulthood, and the real world. In May a nice gentleman will hand me a piece of paper declaring that "I have brains" and then I'm off. So...then what?

I don't mean to pull a Carrie Bradshaw here, but I couldn't help but wonder...

What are we racing towards?

I read an article for a class recently that used a pretty clever analogy in regards to this subject. The article talked about a racing dog who had given up his sport. He was pretty content in his quitting and his friends asked him why he quit. The dog replied, "Oh, I just realized that the rabbit I was chasing in the races was made out of wood. So I stopped chasing it." Wow. I don't know. That just hit me hard.

What is a wooden rabbit for me & you?
A diploma/degree?
A relationship?
Money?
Stuff?
Food?
Places?
Ourselves?

Then at church on Sunday, our pastor talked about how there is a difference between what we place on the alter and what we place on the throne. Wam, bam! God has a weird way of showing up and telling us things, doesn't he? I'm thankful for God's persistantness because I, as a soon-to-be college graduate, need to be constantly reminded to put God first. In all I do. That way I don't end up chasing a wooden rabbit. God wants to hear about our problems and our wants, He does. Talk to Him. Put those things on the alter. Just not on the throne. Ya dig? (It's not easy.)

Since rehearsals started for our fall production, my life has fallen back into it's usual routine. Get up-get ready-eat-class-eat-class-work study-eat-rehearsal-homework-dead I MEAN bed. It's nutso. Although I enjoy my classes and I enjoy rehearsals, I can't help but feel the stress of it all, especially at the end of every day. I sometimes have trouble sleeping. I don't feel like I have too much on my plate...maybe I do...I don't think I do. But that's not the point. The point is that I can't let myself sink. I sank last year and let me tell you it was not pretty. At least not from my side. It sucked. Sinking sucks. I simply refuse to sink ever again, so help me God (seriously, God help me out).

In this whirling cyclone of my life, it's very easy to put other things on the throne and not on the alter. It's very easy to start chasing wooden rabbits. I keep adding new things to my list of what I want to accomplishing spiritually this semester...

Be patient
Stop worrying
Keep your priorities in line
Find out what's really important
Be on time for stuff (not spiritual really but punctuality never hurt anybody)

The more people use the metaphor of life as a race, the more it annoys me. I don't want to think of life as a race. Maybe because I think like a sprinter and I just don't want it to go whizzing past. No. If I am going to think of life as a race, can I just be racing towards eternity? That way it's not really racing towards some kind of means of an end. More the means of a forever. That's more motivational. And if I'm going to be racing towards eternity, what do you think I need to keep my eyes on?

Into the Woods, No More

I'm addicted to the Sirius/XM Live on Broadway station. While driving home today, I heard this song and it touched my heart. It's a very sad song but through the sadness I felt hope. I had to share. If you aren't familiar with the show Into the Woods, I would strongly recommend it. It's one of my favorites. However I don't think you have to know the show to feel these words.

"No more questions,
Please.
No more tests.
Comes the day you say, 'What for?'
Please- no more.

They disappoint,
They disappear,
They die but they don't...

What?

They disappoint
In turn, I fear.
Forgive, though, they won't...

No more riddles.
No more jests.
No more curses you can't undo,
Left by fathers you never knew.
No more quests.

No more feelings.
Time to shut the door.
Just- no more.

Running away- let's do it,
Free from the ties that bind.
No more despair
Or burdens to bear
Out there in the yonder.

Running away- go to it.
Where did you have in mind?
Have to take care:
Unless there's a 'where,'
You'll only be wandering blind.
Just more questions.
Different kind.

Where are we to go?
Where are we ever to go?

Running away- we'll do it.
Why sit around, resigned?
Trouble is, son,
The farther you run,
The more you feel undefined
For what you've left undone
And, more, what you've left behind.

We disappoint,
We leave a mess,
We die but we don't...

We disappoint
In turn, I guess.
Forget, though, we won't...

Like father, like son.

No more giants
Waging war.
Can't we just pursue our lives
With our children and our wives?
'Till that happy day arrives,
How do you ignore
All the witches,
All the curses,
All the wolves, all the lies,
The false hopes, the goodbyes,
The reverses,
All the wondering what even worse is
Still in store?

All the children...
All the giants...

No more."

Stephen Sondheim, you never let me down. A piece of my heart is yours, sir.

Did you know "curve ball" is NOT one word? Thank you spell check.

Sometimes, hitting the curve ball can be what wins you the game.

This semester I have come to learn that I never really know where life is going to take me each day. It's like every day is its own little adventure. I don't wake up in the morning and think, "Gee, what kind of antics will today bring?" But it never seems to fail that I am shaking my head at some point every day and I think about how bizarre it is how weird my "plain Jane" life is sometimes.

I've thought a lot this semester about being in the right place at the right time. I've said that with your heart set on the Lord, you'll always be where you ought to be when you ought to be there. It's a simple concept but it's been blowing my freaking mind. It's funny how big the world can be even though you only live in a small part of it. That small part can seem big at times. We're all like cogs in the big clock of life...and by using that metaphor I don't mean to say we're running out of time...even though we kind of are...but that's not the point I'm trying to make...gee whiz this paragraph just took a sharp turn into depressing. "You're an essentially cog in the clock of your life...time is quickly running out." Okay readers, set down the razor blades and let's get back on the happy train :-) (I try very hard, by the way, to avoid emoticons or whatever the eff they're called...let's just say I'm saving them only to be used in extreme cases...moving on.)

So anyway, back to what I was saying. Every day is going to take you to a new place. Your day might be filled with hundreds of little details that shape you. Your day may be a day filled with one huge thing that shapes you. The thing to know is that no two days will ever be exactly the same. Appreciate the day that God has given us. Smile. Enjoy it. We've got one life ya'll. One. Uno. Eins. Let's have fun while we're here.

I used to think of the "curve balls" of life as always being bad things. Like when things are going supposedly really good then all of a sudden BAM. You get knocked down and can't seem to get up again. So therefore you develop a very understandable seething hatred for curve balls. But I'm beginning to see that curve balls aren't always bad. Sometimes things might be going really badly for you. You have a sucky day or a sucky person comes along and just (figuratively (hopefully)) craps all over you. You've got the little black rain cloud over your head. Then BAM. Something amazing happens.

Clouds always give way to the light. Always.

I see joy in every day. I also see the pain. But I'm seeing what's worth focusing on. Guess which one it is? Ya'll are smart. You know.

Enjoy each of life's adventures, big or small. Follow God. He'll show you what adventures are the best, the most exciting, the most worth-while. The sun will seem brighter. The trees, leafier. The birds, chirpier. And the world, happier.

So embrace the curve balls...and avoid clock metaphors when attempting to be encouraging... :-)

Mountains & Molehills

Hey. School got real crazy real fast. But no worries. I haven't forgotten you. Couldn't if I tried. I also have had a bit of a writer's block lately. Not sure why. I blame my cluttered mind. Like, it's not that I can't think of things to say but the problem is just that I have too much to say but I can't decide what's important enough to actually post. Which kind of ties into what I did ultimately decide to write about...

What's really important?

That is such a burning question, my fingers get hot just typing it (okay, not really, but wouldn't that be cool?). What really matters? What's worth your time thinking about it? What "it" means more to you than anything else? Why does one "it" overshadow others? Are our "its" prioritized right? How do we know if they are? Shew, I may have to soak my hands in ice water after that schpeel.

There's an old expression...I would say it's one of my "southernisms" but I'm not sure if it's only said in the south or not. Maybe you Yankees have heard it. It goes like this: Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. The meaning of the expression is obvious. Don't get worked up/make a big deal out of something that is small/doesn't really matter. This is a practice I have struggled with pretty much my entire life. As a girl, and ladies can I get a what-what, I analyze everything. And what's worse, I OVER-analyze everything. I can't seem to put a lasso around the analyzation that goes on in my head every minute of the day. It can be rather exhausting to tell you the truth. The problem got progressively worse as I got older. When you're young, problems are simple (or at least they seem simple now, looking back on them). As you grow into an adult, your problems only seem to get bigger. And as you mature, you start to question what a "problem" really is.

Is it a problem
...when you oversleep?
...when things don't go your way?
...when things don't go the way you expected?
...when people let you down?
...when you put your foot in your mouth?
...when you procrastinate?
...when you have to wait?
...when things pile up on you?
...when you get in trouble?
...when you know you should've gotten in trouble?
...when you doubt?
...when you stumble?
...when you forget most everything you think you know?

The answer will never be the same two times in a row. Yes, no, maybe so. Only you can decide for yourself. But the main thing to remember is that no matter your problem, whether it be a mountain or a molehill, you'll get through it. There's another expression that goes, "If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." Don't let your world come crashing down over a small thing. And for that matter, don't let it come crashing over a big thing. I know what you're thinking..."Oh, Melanie. Don't be stupid. If something HUGE happened to you tomorrow, you're world would come crashing down. You're just that dramatic type." Well, hypothetical reader, you might be right. But then again...you might be wrong.

As we become adults about to be thrust into the scary, scary world of life, we have to remember to not make mountains out of molehills. We have to learn to discern between big and small, right and wrong. For the sake of our own lives and those around us, we have to see the difference. The encouraging news is that even though these problems are put in our paths on a daily basis, we will in the end always end up right where God wants us. If your heart is set on God, you can never be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You just can't. It's not gonna happen. End of story. Actually, no. Not end of story. This story is far from over.

So enjoy your story and, as my dad says, don't sweat the small stuff.

Red Light, Green Light

A funny thing happened on the way back from Lacie's...

Like most of us, I have a car and I drive it around. It's a pretty cool thing we grown-ups do, don't you think? And like you, fellow adult, I am constantly getting my driving buzz stepped on by traffic lights. Who enjoys having to stop at a red light? I mean really? But tonight a new thought came to my mind.

Red lights always turn green eventually.

When we're driving through life, God occasionally makes us come to a halt at one of His red lights. You're driving along, think you're doing great, minding the signs and the speed limits for the most part. You know, all the good driver stuff. Then boom, Christian driver buzz bombed. Red light. Stop. Wait. Grr.

Some lights are the automatic ones. You pull up to them, the light senses that you're there and it'll therefore change faster to comply to your needs of moving forward. Sometimes life is like that. God will set it up so that when you get to a certain point, you may have to stop and take a look around but He doesn't keep you waiting for long. These are the moments where life has actually been waiting for you, believe it or not. That does happen every now and then.

Some lights are timed. You must sit. And wait. And wait. And wait for the light to change. Sometimes you might be in a huge hurry. Sometimes you might have a certain destination in mind that you are absolutely dying to get to a.s.a.p. But nooo. You have to just sit there like a goob and wait for the light to change. In your mind, that light is out to get you. It hates you. It wants you to be unhappy. In reality, it's just you waiting on life to happen. And it's good to wait every so often. It's good. It may suck really badly but it's good.

Don't even think about running these red lights, automated or timed. Because as soon as you take things into your own hands, there'll be a freakin' big semi-truck that plows into you and you think "Why, oh why, did I ever think that would be a good idea?!"

Just wait for the light to change.
Because it always will.
You may have to wait a while.
Either for life to catch up with you.
Or the other way around.
But either way, it'll change.

What will surprise you is that once it changes, you may find yourself on a completely new or different road. But that's just the magic of God. He likes to do that sometimes. Personally, it freaks me out when He does stuff like that, but it's okay. Keep freaking me out, God. It's cool.

Just because you are stopped at a red light doesn't mean the journey is over.
It'll turn green eventually.
Patience.

A New Leaf

Whoever said that miracles don't happen everyday is simply ignorant and I hope they find contentment soon. And whoever said that change is hard to come by is hiding from accomplishment.

If I could list all the ways that my life has been revolutionized in the past week and a half, your head might explode. Therefore, in thinking of you my readers, I will spare you. Cause I love you. And that love is part of my revolution. And I am wicked pumped about it.

I used to be...
a worry wort
a nervous wreck
a selfish being
a bad listener
a spoiled brat
a pitiful follower of Christ

I suppose that those bad characteristics still reside in me. In turning over a new leaf, no one becomes a "changed person" over night. However, I've learned to recognize my faults and start forcing myself into believing that there is so much more that life has to offer and in remaining poor at heart is simply not an option.

I gave God control.

The reason I could never figure life out...
The reason I was always so worried...
The reason I was frustrated...
The reason I felt alone and misunderstood...
Was because I was trying to do it all (life) myself.

And I simply can't. And I don't want to anymore. God wants our whole hearts. So in starting off the school year, I decided immediately that THAT was my new leaf.

Let go.
It's in His hands.
He loves you.
He won't forsake you.
So long as you keep your heart set on Him.
You have one life to live, which He gave you.
For God's sake (literally), LIVE IT!

Has it been an easy transition from tight-wad into care-free? Well, I'm taking baby steps. But knowing that God is with me makes those baby steps feel like marathons. I've only been taking on this new attitude for a week and a half and it's felt like all those months (and months and months) of being lost never even happened. And God keeps telling me that that's okay. Guilt and regret are simply not languages that God speaks. When you come back to Him, no matter your past, He'll take you back with open arms. That's how coming home is supposed to feel. And let me tell you, it feels so good to be home. I'm letting Him guide me. And He has done great things. And it has humbled me so much. I'm so small. Who am I that He should love me? That He should bless me? My heart is His now. He can do with it what He wishes. And as my good friend Whitney reminded me the other day, "perfect love casts out all fear." All I can think is "thank you thank you thank you" while mingling with a mixture of "Yes!" and "Yay!" I feel loved and all I can think to do is praise my Father.

And guess what the best part is? He loves you, too. This isn't about me anymore. It's all about Him. Since I turned over this new leaf, I haven't had a bad day. I don't tell you this to brag, I promise. I tell you this so that maybe you can be led in the way I was. Are you confused and looking for answers? I was for so long. I didn't understand life in general. Here's a quote that was in our school planner this week...

"I try to avoid looking forward or backward and try to keep looking upward."
-Charlotte Bronte

That's good advice. Look up. Give Him a smile. Let Him love you. Let Him bless you. Because He will. You just have to let Him in. Isn't that just the best news you've ever heard?!

Classes and plays will be enriching, I'm sure. But this year, my goal is to simply let go and live. And like I said before, the past week and a half of living that way has been amazing. Care to join me? Let's go jump around and act retarded for a little while. God appreciates celebration :)

(By the way, Happy Birthday Sherri Baby! She's my roommate and turns 21 today. Love you girl!)

[Waiting] is a Virtue

I'm not even a full day into my first school day of my senior year of college and already things are better. I can't express how relieved and happy I feel. Summer is over and a new chapter has begun. I'm not going to look at Senior Year as a "final chapter" even though it kind of is. I'm going to try really hard to keep looking at it as simply a fresh and potentially exciting ride into the rest of what is to come. And here's the key ingredient to what is keeping me going and happy: God is in control once again.

Over the last couple of years, I've found it very easy to simply run from God. Did I know I was being stupid? In the back of my mind, yes. In my heart, definitely. So why did I do it? I really don't know. All I know is that over the last couple of weeks, He has revealed things to me in his mysterious way that has truly shown me that things are going to be okay. Better than okay. But like He always does, He doesn't just come out and tell you these things plainly. It's all out there, but up to you to figure out. And I'm so daft most of the time, I never really know for sure if I've got it right. But that's where faith comes in. I'm tired of running. Now, not only am I running towards God, but I feel like I've already reached Him and He's giving me a big bear hug. It's a really sweet feeling. I love my Father.

Lately, being back on track and feeling good, God has wasted no time in trying to tell me what I need to know. As nice as it is to be hearing God, it is sometimes not always what you want to hear. Recently the theme I keep hearing/seeing/understanding is waiting. Wait on the Lord. That, my friend, is easier said than done. If you know me, you know that I am NOT a patient person. I want what I want and I want it NOW. And this credo is exactly what keeps getting me in trouble and keeps dampering my walk with God. I take things into my own hands and try to make it work. I keep forgetting that if I just put everything into God's hands, my life will be something so much better, I can't even wrap my brain around it. Why in the world would I not want a life as awesome as that? The only trouble is the waiting part. It's hard to wait on God to do His thing when you see things that you want for your life pretty much immediately. I was thinking today, "Man, if I could just have this one thing, I would do anything to get it. I would eat bugs or walk across hot coals. Whatever it took, I would do it!" But then I thought, "Would you be patient and wait on the Lord, Melanie?" Because honestly, that would probably be just as scary/challenging as any other daredevil task I could do. It's very scary to hold your horses and wait on God to work in your life. He works all the time, yes, but you know what I mean. Waiting on Him to reveal things to you so that you don't just act on your urges and end up in a bad place.

Months ago I prayed on a lake. "God, opens doors and give me the courage to walk through them." I still pray that same prayer. But now I need to add, "And give me also the strength to wait on you to open the right doors for me."

So what do I do in the meantime? I know myself well enough to know that if I'm stuck sitting in the giant waiting room of life for any extended period of time, I'll end up going insane. So I think the best thing to do is focus on being a better person. Like praying for other people. Being kind. Working on my relationship with God. Growing. And I think that's a pretty good way to bide my time.

So I'll wait for You. w00t.

Six Months

Trust in earthly things, man will fail.
Trust in the Lord, man will succeed.

Oh, the fruits of facebook stalking.
I hate to have a bit of writer's block on my blog's six month anniversary.
I wish I had more to say.
I've enjoyed these last six months, despite hard times.
I learn a little something every day.
I don't mean to sound cliche, but I'm no longer a little girl.
I'm becoming the adult woman God means me to be.
Slowly but surely.
What will I learn tomorrow?
Time will tell.
Hang on, Dawson. It's going to be a bumpy life.
But for now here's to six more months, eh?

Hey...you! Yeah, you. I like you and I think you're swell.

Why is it so much easier to be brave when you have nothing to fear?

Tonight I was bored. So I got on Facebook, of course. I started looking at past status updates on my wall from earlier this summer. I was complaining about biology and sad about Sky Puppy dying. Then, right smack-dab in the middle of everything, I threw in this wonderful little status about how I was so ready for all the curve balls that life was going to throw at me. I was willing to take it all on. Everything. Including the unexpected.

How ready was I really?

Shortly after that was when I lost Ringo. And I'll confess something to you...I completely fell apart. I know it was just a cat, but it was the principle of the thing. When you live for 21 years and never lose a single thing that's close to you and then all of a sudden lose two biggies, it hurts. Bad. After that unexpected curve ball, I lost it. I mean, I didn't pray for like a week. I've had trouble sleeping. I never thought my faith to be so...fragile, you know? I always thought I was so strong. I never fully understood that verse in the Bible when Jesus says that anyone who has faith the size of a mustard seed can literally move a mountain. I used to think, SURELY I have faith the size of such a teeny weeny mustard seed!

There's no need to worry. My faith may be tiny in size but it remains strong in heart. I'm doing good again. I really am. It's just been kind of torture being at home this summer, especially after my classes have ended. There's nothing to do except sit around...thinking about thoughts...watching tv...reading books...getting on facebook and mulling around like a creeper. Sigh...sometimes I feel like I'm barely living. Especially when others out there are dealing with REAL problems.

Like I said in my last post, I feel like everyone I know has dealt with their own personal tragedies this summer. Some big, some small, some world-ending. My friends and family are, obviously, the most important people in my life. I sometimes wonder if I'm really being a good enough friend to all of them as they deserve. I yearn to be an encouraging person. I want everyone in my life to know how awesome I think they are and how lost I would be without them. Seriously. They're my rocks. My joy. I hope they know that. Truly.

This year I really want to get back to what I write as "interests" on this very blog.

"I love God. I love others. I love art."

Time to stop worrying. Time to forget about myself...you know, without stepping into dangerous territory. Maybe I can muster up a mustard seed...eventually.

I'm Ready (for this summer to be over with, dang it)!

To everything there is a season. In this case, it is Season 4, episode 16 of Spongebob Squarepants.

Say what you will about that show. You may think it's stupid and a waste of time, but I want to chime in. I've been watching this show since I was a kid. Since 1999 (can you believe it's still on the air after over 10 years?). I still like to watch it every now and then when I need a good little pick-me-up because it's cute, silly, and (if you ask me) still hilarious.

Today, I was still feeling down. Looking back on blog posts, pretty much every post I've made this summer has been sad. And it's not because I'm a depressed, emo, the-sky-is-falling kinda person. It's just that a lot of bad stuff has happened this summer. And not just to me. Almost everyone I know has been dealing with their fair share of crapola this summer. It has sucked massively. There's no way around it. I was getting ready to go out today. I had some errands to run. I was feelin' kinda blue. Then the episode of Spongebob came on called "Best Day Ever." I sat down to watch it. And guess what kiddos? I learned something valuable. Cartoons are still teaching people important things. Who knew?

Spongebob's "Best Day Ever" was supposed to go as follows...
Go to work at his favorite place, the Krusty Krab
Go do some of his favorite sport, karate, with Sandy
Go jellyfishing, his favorite pastime, with Patrick
Then go see Squidward's clarinet recital that evening

What really ended up happening?
The Krusty Krab was infested by nematodes
Sandy had a leaky roof and couldn't play
Patrick broke his jellyfishing net
Spongebob lost his ticket to the concert and missed the whole thing

Expectations did not line up with reality for poor Spongebob. They rarely ever do for any of us. Things never play out the way we expect them to. There are always curve balls and winding roads that lead us to where we are truly supposed to be but getting there is never easy and NEVER how we expect it to be. Is that fair? No. Did Spongebob deserve his perfect little day? Of course he did. So do you. So do I. But is it going to happen the way we think it is? Sadly no. But we will in the end learn that we really can have the Best Day Ever if we just change our perspective. You know what else happened in Bikini Bottom on Spongebob's Best Day Ever?

He lured the nematodes away from the Krusty Krab
He fixed Sandy's leaky roof
He lent Patrick his brand new jellyfishing net
He fixed Squidward's broken clarinet reed

Spongebob helped all his friends. So you see, even when we think we are being deprived, we could be helping someone else have the best day ever. And in turn, that could help us end the day on a good note. And that's not too shabby of a feeling. I know this is not news to you. It really wasn't news to me either. But I just couldn't help but smile and share and let you know this...

Tragedy touches all of us. But so does peace.

I have had a bad summer. Good friends of mine have had a bad summer. You may have had a bad summer. I'm sorry. But don't feel blue for long. Spongebob fixes everything. No matter how stupid you may think he is.

Mr. Sun came out and he smiled at me.
Said it's gonna be a good one just wait and see
Jumped out of bed and I ran outside
Feeling so extra exstatified!

It's the Best Day Ever!

It's a [Wonderful] Life

I wish I could spout encouraging words to you right now. I wish I had the strength and the courage to wrap my simple mind around everything that has gone on this summer. I keep trying to count my blessings, but I can't seem to get past the clouds. Where is the silver lining? I know that I am blessed and I know that other people have problems, bigger problems. But pain is pain. Hurt is hurt. Heart break is heart break. It's all just shades of gray. So how do you sort it all out? How do you get happy again when all you want to do is crawl into bed then immediately want to get up and scream and start a project and not know how to finish a project and the world is turned on it's end... It's not the end of the world but...life just sucks sometimes. You know? I'm not trying to be discouraging. It's just a truth.

I'm usually a pretty optimistic person. I have faith that everything that happens happens for a reason. Then something happens that shakes your universe and questions everything you know. You start asking the questions that man has been asking himself since the dawn of time...

Why do bad things happen to good people?
What did I do to deserve this?
How do I get over this?
Who is going to help me?
Where should I go to get away from all these problems?
When does it stop?

They say if you ask yourself "Why?" over anything five times, the answer will be something along the lines of "I don't know" or "It's just the way it's supposed to be" or "That's just the way God wants it." There is no root explanation to why things happen in life. They just do and getting through the struggles is what leads us to our true humanity. But it's not a happy journey at all. It's really hard. You cry a lot. You ask "why" a lot. You build yourself up. Things tear you down. You build yourself back up again. But how many times can you get knocked down before you throw up your white flag in total surrender? I'm tired of licking on the Tootsie Pop. I'm ready to just bite right in and get to the good stuff. For heaven's sake, I want to get to the good stuff.

I lost my cat this week. He was eleven years old. I lost my dog just three weeks ago. Whenever I go out in my backyard, I'm flooded with memories of my precious dog. Whenever I'm inside my house, I'm bombarded with memories of my cat. I have no siblings; I'm an only child. For me growing up, these pets were my siblings. They kept me company all the time; they never left my side. They were my best little friends who were always there for me and always loved me. And now two of them are gone. Ringo was hit by a car. The bastards didn't even stop. They killed my cat, broke the hearts of my family and me, and had no clue. I hate those people. I have hate in my heart now and I don't like it. It's not welcome but it's making itself at home. And I have no earthly idea how to get rid of it, going back to the burning questions. Yes, these were only animals, but they were my family. They were my siblings. It hurts a lot to lose both of them so close together. It's not fair. I feel broken.

The night before last, the night after I lost Ringo, I watched It's a Wonderful Life for the first time in my life. It made me feel sad and happy at the same time. I keep thinking about George Bailey and his hard life. He sacrificed so much for the people in his life. He gave up his dreams for his family and friends so that they could have the good lives that they did. He worked so hard all his life and in the end, his troubles caught up to him in a big way. He started asking himself those burning questions. And in the end, he learned that all these people in his life that he felt so bogged down by were the ones that really needed him. Without him, they would be lost and miserable.

Today I was watching Friends Season 2. There's an episode where the gang is watching Old Yeller and Phoebe was ignorant of the real ending. Turns out, she didn't know the ending to a lot of sad movies. *Spoiler alert* She didn't know Old Yeller died. She didn't know E.T. left. She didn't know that Rocky lost the fight. She was devastated that all these good stories ended sadly. So Monica hands her a VHS copy of It's a Wonderful Life. She tells Phoebe to watch it, saying it will "restore her faith in humanity."

I also keep thinking about Job, the biblical character from the old testament. Job had it all. He was living the dream. Then all of a sudden, he had a terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad day. He lost everything. It was a challenge from God. God knew that Job would stay faithful even through the loss of everything in his life. The devil didn't think he could do it. But like always, God was right. Job stayed faithful even though his life was broken. He knew that his faith was stronger than the pain of losing his life. I wish I was like Job.

It's been a rough summer. But I've learned more this summer about the realities of life than I ever have. Yes, I've lost my dog and my cat. But surely I've gained something. Will I be able to be there for you when you are experiencing your own tragedies? I hope I can be. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on, cry on, whatever. And I do count my blessings. They start with my amazing parents. Then my wonderful friends. Then Jimmy Stewart, Donna Reed, and my precious dog Zebo. And as much as I love(d) my animals, I remembered something else while watching It's a Wonderful Life...

When George sees Mary from across the room at the dance, he is completely captivated. He goes straight to her, takes her in his arms, claims her as his own and dances with her.

It reminded me that no matter how much we love our pets, no matter how much it hurts to lose them, that love can never take the place of real human love and compassion. We need each other. We need to look out for each other and take care of each other. Take care of your fellow man like George Bailey did. And never lose faith. Like Job didn't.

And for goodness sake, if you have a pet, spoil them rotten.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road?

Right now, I want to give you a snap shot of my life and what's going through my mind.

This summer I'm living at home with my parents, taking summer classes at a community college. I will graduate from college in May of next year. Long story short, in less than a year life is going to slap me across the face...hard. And the question I keep asking myself is will I be ready for it?

How can anyone ever be ready for it? I've met people in my life, people my own age, who really seem to have it all together. They seem driven and focused. I envy them greatly. For a couple of years now, I haven't felt very pulled in any given direction. I was just floating and while that was nice because it let me focus on the here-and-now, I was still plagued with the stress of wondering "what happens next?" So what does happen next?

Finally, this past semester, I felt a pull in direction. I began taking a big interest in going to graduate school to study writing. Writing is something that I haven't been doing for a very long time. I started writing about half way through high school independently. I always feel so good after I write something, I can't really explain it. My writing is not that great but after I write down thoughts, a story, anything, I always just feel more at peace with myself. It's a strange kind of meditation but I love it very much. It's a (fairly) newly discovered art for me and I keep trying to expand it. I feel like if I went on to study it, I could potentially do well.

But what about my first love: theatre. What about theatre? I started acting in church plays and such as a small child. I started getting serious about acting my freshman year of high school and I never looked back. Yes, I get a soar of happiness from writing, but the feeling I get when I am onstage is something beyond words. I feel at home, at peace, in love. Everything I feel is wrapped up in a big, soft, homemade quilt of excitement and joy. This is a passion that I am sure God has instilled in me and I'll never know why. Growing up, I was always kind of the quiet one in my class. I did my homework every night. Never missed a day of school. Took dance lessons. Was in marching band. I was that kid. Looking back, I wouldn't consider a kid like that to be someone brave enough to get up on stage and act like an idiot. But finding that strength and that courage was by far the best decision I've ever made apart from getting saved. I feel this is my calling and I am so happy to find true love with such a great art. I feel like the art loves me back in some weird, wonderful way. You have to feel it to really understand what I'm talking about. Am I the best? No. But who really cares? I'm happy doing what I do and that's all I want for myself and I know that's all God wants for me as well. He led me to my craft, my strength, my passion, my soul mates in the theatre and for that I will always, until the day I die, thank Him.

Here's the catch. As much as I love theatre and as much as I am sure that God called me to do this, there are other priorities I must concern myself with. Exhibit A, how do I put a roof over my head? Exhibit B, how do I put food on the table? Exhibit C, how do I make a life for myself after I graduate in May with a degree in something I love but also in something that has an extremely limited job pool and practically no money? Burning questions? More like sizzling, gut-wrenching, oh my god I'm gonna die questions. I'm terrified. Which is what makes going to grad school sound so appealing.

The way I see it, theatre will always be there for me. It's a love that will never abandon me and I have no intention of abandoning it. I just have to take care of myself. I have to grow up and be an adult and get a good job and make good money so I can have the ability to live the kind of life I want to live. It's a hard decision to make. I want to be great. I want to live life to the fullest and sometimes I get really down because I look at where I am now, sitting in bed at my parent's house, 21 years old, life seemingly at a stand-still. I don't know whether to hate the stand-still or embrace it. The storm is coming and I don't feel fully prepared.

Please pray for me. I want to enjoy, truly enjoy, my senior year. I have so much left to accomplish in the upcoming months. Pray for me that I can succeed and graduate in May feeling on top of the world, not sinking. That's how I think every graduate should feel. It's a huge accomplishment to graduate college. I want to celebrate and feel amazing. But after the dust from all the grad excitement has settled, I'll need to know what I'm doing in the real world. I'll need a place to live, a job, and the confidence (most importantly) to make it all happen and be happy doing it.

I know life won't ever feed me cookies on a silver platter but I feel the passion and the potential inside of me to do great things. Whether it's theatre or writing or something that God hasn't even revealed to me yet, I just want to be happy as a member of God's great family. But I know that I can't just sit here and wait for greatness. Ben Franklin said "God helps those who help themselves." I feel those are very wise words. I want to be driven. I want to succeed. I want to make my mark, my impact on the world somehow. But I can't do it alone.

Good lord, being an almost-college-graduate-twenty-something-head-in-the-clouds-fine-arts-major is really confusing sometimes. But the fruits of the labor of an artist have the potential to impact something that seems so much bigger than even the world. I have to always remember to go back to the basics.

Strength, patience, courage, focus, understanding, compassion, and love.

Find out what it means to me.

So I have a bit of a confession to make. This is not the first draft of this post. Last night I sat down at my computer and started to write. I was totally up on my soap box and ranting about how people don't respect each other enough these days. I went on and on about how things were different in the past; things were more proper and less brash. I wrote quite a bit before I realized how preachy it sounded and I hated it immediately. No one likes to be lectured. But the theme remains in my mind.

Today I watched the movie "Kate and Leopold" for the first time. If you have never seen it and you are of the female sex, I would encourage it simply for the joy of watching Hugh Jackman as a sexy nobleman who falls in love with the always adorable Meg Ryan. The plot was a little (and by a little a mean a lot) far-fetched but it still made for a rather romantic movie. But it's not the romance or the all-around handsomeness of Mr. Jackman that I want to talk about right now. The character he plays is brought into present time from the year 1876. His attire is odd and very formal compared to today's clothes. His behavior and mannerisms are strange and very polite. His techniques for wooing women are classic and are still successful. In that sense alone does he remain timeless. In all other senses, he is a weird speciman dropped right in the middle of modern day Manhattan.

So my ponderings are thus... when did being polite become rare or strange? When did treating people with respect and dignity go out the window? If it's not broke, why do we fix it?

I often yearn for simpler times. I wonder what it would be like to live in a world where people had a given sense of propriety and good manners. Like most people, I really believe I was simply born in the wrong era, the wrong period of time. I am spoiled, yes, to the modern technologies of today's society. I go insane if I can't find my cell phone. I'm a film studies major for crying out loud! Most of my school work revolves around movies, a modern device of entertainment. I'm typing this on a laptop right now. What would I really do if I was dropped into a world of letter writing, cow milking, dancing and courting? Would I feel right at home or would I be utterly lost, like Leopold?

Parents bring their infants to restaurants only to have them scream and cry obnoxiously, disrupting everyone elses' meals around them.
People use swearing language in a formal classroom setting when the professor asks them a simple question.
We let any and every word that comes into our shallow-judgemental heads fly during arguments with the people we love the most.

Today I held the door open for a woman, a stranger, on my way out of school. She looked genuinely surprised at the courtesy. I just don't understand when and why people decided to stop being nice to each other. Man, woman, it doesn't matter. Why do we alienate ourselves? We depend on technology instead of each other. And when the technology fails, we become furious and we are short with the support people we call on the phone. Something has gone horribly wrong.

I want very much to be like the women of the past; sweet, sensible, supportive, and understanding. But because I am a woman of current times, I have more on my plate than the simple life. I have responsiblities all my own. Things are much more complicated. I suppose the goal in life today is to find the passions in your life that narrow the complex down to the bare essentials. Find a job, friends, lovers who make life feel simple for you. And in return, you can take a bit of their burden off of their back as well. If we all make the decision to be sweet, sensible, supportive and understanding...if we all make the decision to respect one another then imagine the impact we could make on the world as a whole. And hear I go, getting back up on my soap box again. Stepping down now.

Do unto others... that's not as easy as it sounds but it's not impossible. And for the record, I do not write all this in response to being a subject to disrespect. Not at all. Like always, simple observations. I want the best for all, not just myself.

Love is a battlefield.

As my head spins, I try to think about what’s really important in life. Each person on this earth is different, unique. Yet at the same time, we are all united by common principles. This includes things like emotions, loneliness, and simple geography. If you live in Circle Town all your life, you’re probably not going to have friends/fall in love/have to deal with people from Square City. And don’t even get me started on the kooks from Triangle Village. My point is, we all go through the same struggles in life. We each just experience them in different ways.

We will all have our hearts broken. That one seems to really stick out in my mind as a very common denominator for all. Heartache to heartache we stand. I’ll tell you a true story about me…

My first real crush occurred when I was about 5 or 6. I was in first grade. I won’t reveal his name, but ladies, this guy (from first grade until high school graduation) was a god. He was gorgeous. He was funny. He was athletic. He had lots of friends. He came from a good family. In short he was a golden boy. Everyone loved him, including me. I was absolutely smitten and convinced that we were going to get married and have many, many babies. Now this was not your normal, everyday playground crush. You know, the kind that lasts for two hours and then they shove you down in the sand box and then you switch to hating their guts. No. This was way deep for a 6 year old. This crush lasted until third grade. That’s two years! That’s a long time in little kid thinking. But alas, he was never mine. I had to move on.

And I still haven’t figured it out. And by it, I don’t mean golden boy. I mean relationships.

Pretty much since the first grade, I’ve asked myself the same question over and over: What the hell am I doing wrong here? And here? And here? And here? I’ve had people tell me and it freaking hurts. It hurts to be criticized when you are just being yourself. That’s why break ups are so hard. You share your life when someone, whether it’s for two weeks or two years, and then it ends and you’re left wondering what you did to make them not like you anymore. What changed? What happened? Was it all your fault? And how come they don’t see it the way you do?

Then yesterday I had an epiphany. I rarely have epiphanies so I knew I had to tell the world. Boys, girls, whoever is reading this… If you are in the same boat that I am…around the same age as me (early 20s), have a fair amount of confidence in yourself (your traits, your intelligence, your talents, etc.), and can’t seem to understand why it is that you can’t keep a relationship with the opposite sex afloat to save your life… well guess what?

People our age have no clue how to handle the opposite sex.

It’s that simple. We’re still young! We’re still learning! It finally dawned on me that I cannot beat myself up over each and every “failed” relationship I’ve ever had. I mean, there are people in their forties who still haven’t got it figured out. And it doesn’t matter which route your choose: casual dating, serious dating, one night stands, abstinence forever, all work and no play; whatever road you’re on, there be bumps ahead. And that goes for crushes too! Let me tell you an UNTRUE story about me…

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Melanie. She went to first grade, met her dream man, and he fell madly in love with her immediately. They grew up, stayed in love, got married, and had many, many babies. The End.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that nothing in her life ever changed. There were no bumps in the road to help her learn about the truths of life and she lived out all of her days in total ignorance of truth, beauty, freedom, and real love.

The fairy tale life is actually a philosophical tragedy.

At our age, heartbreak simply comes with the territory. I’m sorry to tell you this. And we will continue to get our hearts broken and break hearts until we get it right. Is this a happy process? Hell no. It sucks so much. It never get easier. It just is a little different each time it happens. We will all meet our “soul mates” at different times. There are people out there, believe it or not, who meet their soul mates in first grade. If you are reading this and you are one of those people, well la-dee-frickin-da to you, good sir or madam. We all kind of hate your guts. But we will never say it to your face. We do wish you well. (insert deep breath here) For the rest of us normal, flawed, and stupid homo-sapiens, we will have to wait. Some people never find it. Others find it at the most inconvenient times. Some are lucky and find it at the perfect time. They say when you meet the love of your life, you’ll just know. Every time I hear that I can’t help but think that it’s crap. It’s crap. But then I have to consider the other side. I’ve never “known,” no. But that does not mean that my true love does not exist. It just means I haven’t met him yet. Or at least never dated him/kissed him/considered him. Although I am fairly positive that I simply haven’t met him, one never can tell.

This is difficult to write because my friends will read this. Ex-boyfriends might read this. I’ve been paranoid for a long time that everyone I know secretly rolls their eyes at me. I’ve stopped caring. Of course I care about my friends, deeply. They are lights in my life. But I’m not caring anymore about people rolling their eyes at me. I am a person. I feel pain like you. I want what you want. I struggle with you. This war is ours to fight, as it has been for ages. But no armor will protect you from the pain, the humiliation, the seemingly life shattering heart breaks that we are all bound to experience. I’m realizing a lot of things about myself recently. Over the past few months, I have gotten to know myself better than I ever have been able to. Isn’t it funny how much of your soul you find when you aren’t even soul-searching? Know thyself. Get acquainted with you. Find out what you are really like as a grown person. Know what you are really looking for. It’s called maturity. I’m not lecturing, I swear. I’m just sharing what I’ve recently discovered. And I know that I’m not breaking new ground here. I’m just a girl who is really starting to grow up. Growing up is hard and I tear up a little as I write this. I think about me as a little girl. I would fly around and fall in love with these perfect little boys and pretend to be a cowgirl or a weather woman or a ballerina or a teacher or a mom or a famous movie star. I would go outside and sing at the top of my lungs. I was fearless then, as a child. Then growing up happens and suddenly you notice all these eyes on you and you stop being fearless. And then you notice the eyes turning away from you and you really start becoming afraid then. Life isn’t easy. Growing up and maturing as an adult is one of the hardest chapters in life. And life will continue to throw you curve balls. One after another. You will fall sometimes. You will fail sometimes. But remember something…

You will get up. And you will win. And you will fly again like you did in your childhood. And meeting the love of your life may have little to nothing to do with that. You are your own person. No one can put chains on you and pull you down if you don’t let them. Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” How true that statement is.

At our age (and I know I’ve said that a lot today) finding the missing puzzle piece to our individual beings may seem like trying to find a needle in a haystack, nearly impossible. No one, and especially not I, can blame you for feeling discouraged. It’s a hard knock life sometimes. But that puzzle piece might not be a person. Or rather, it might not be the person you think it is. Yes, we all deserve lovers. We all deserve soul mates. But I am a firm believer that puzzle pieces like that are not really puzzle pieces at all. We have to find completeness, wholeness on our own. And it’s all out there for the taking. Happiness, hopefulness, friendship, companionship, education, faith, family, wonder.

Wisdom is not easy to come by. That’s why we keep making choices that in the end we find were not exactly right. But it doesn’t mean we weren’t supposed to make them in the first place. I’m glad for every good, bad, right, wrong choice I’ve ever made because all those things, all those factors have shaped me into this person I am today. And at this moment, I am begging for God to keep shaping me. Teach me. Guide me.

I feel like I’ve wandered into a whole other realm of thought from which I started on today. But like I said my head was spinning a little. And I’m trying to focus on what counts. I guess to wrap up, don’t be afraid to love and to seek. Try to remember the bravery of childhood and embrace it as an adult. Know what you are searching for but search yourself first. You might be surprised how your destination will change along the way. And above all this, regret nothing. Hold no grudges. Just understand that we are all in the same boat, none above another, and no one really knows what they’re doing when it comes to love. But that’s not a tragedy. It is a fellowship. A big, messy, misunderstood fellowship. And honestly at this moment, knowing that, I feel comforted.

We are young. Heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demands. Love is a battlefield. And I say, bring it on.

Philippians 3:13-15

It's been a hard week.

On Monday, I lost my 14 year old Australian Shepard, Sky. I always called her "Sky Puppy." I got her the same month I started second grade. She was a six week old puppy when we got her at a pet store in Johnson City. She had a pretty bad case of Kennel Cough and the vet said that if we had not gotten her and treated her, she would have died within about two weeks. We saved her. And throughout her long life she had many near death experiences that always scared the bejeezus out of me. Like the time she bailed out of my dad's pickup truck going 30 mph. Or the time she ran/swam all the way across the Watauga River chasing a duck. Or the time she got outside the invisible electric fence and couldn't get back inside. Or all those cars she liked to chase. Or when she ran away from home for a few hours on the coldest night of the year. That one happened over Christmas Break this past year. I really thought I was going to lose her then. But no, my Sky Puppy was strong. She never let us spoil her too badly. She just loved us with every breath she took. She never hurt anyone. Everyone she met absolutely fell in love with her. She was a wonderful dog and I was...am... very, very proud to call her mine. She was my best friend, my playmate. Never left my side. So smart and so beautiful. I loved her very much (as if you couldn't see that). I know everyone (generally) loves their pets but I like to think what I had with my Sky Puppy was special and rare. I'll miss her everyday.

Losing this pet has been like losing a member of my family. It's so strange to not see her everyday, not hear her little bark. It's like there is an empty spot.

A couple of weeks ago, my mom's best friend passed away. A couple of days ago, my best friend told me that her uncle was in a bad motorcycle accident and that he needed surgery. She said it wasn't serious but that is still scary. Today, one of my other very good friends told me that her aunt had passed away. I feel like this week, I am reminded that grief and sadness are very real things. My dad told me that we should always remember those who have passed but we must continue to focus on the living. For my family, it just means giving our other dog, Zebo, lots of extra love and affection. For other families who are suffering, it's harder. Grief is a terrible thing to go through but we all must face the music at some point in our lives. I am a very lucky girl because losing Sky was really the first time in my life I've ever lost anything (pet, person, anything) that was close to me. All of my grandparents are still living. My parents are in great health. I've never lost a close friend by death. I am extremely fortunate and I thank God and count my blessings daily. Sometimes I forget how good I've got it.

I've tried to comfort friends in the past who have lost parents, pets, friends, and other things. I never quite knew the words to say. I couldn't relate. I know that was selfish of me in a way but what can you really say to make pain like that go away or even subside for a while? Nothing. You can't say a thing to make it better. But that doesn't mean you have to fall silent. You can rub their backs, tell them you are there, and pray like crazy. Prayer heals. It's been the Band-Aid on many a situations of sorrow in my life, including this week.

I know I get angry and sad and curse the world and the people in it sometimes. But I'm only human. I heard a sermon on Sunday that was one of those sermons that I felt was speaking directly toward me. But strangely enough, it wasn't a "you're doing everything wrong, fix yourself or you're going to hell" kind of sermon. No. It was about the healing power of putting the past behind you. The pastor said we all have a past. We all have pain in our past. God has forgiven us and continues to forgive us if we ask him. Now it's up to us to move on. We cannot live in our pasts. God wants us to put the past behind us so we can focus on the present and our future. It was so comforting to hear that that was God's command for His people. He didn't say "never burn bridges" or "make everybody like you." He commanded us to love our neighbors, forgive, and rejoice in His holy name. And from now on, I want to do just that.

Heart break and rough times are behind. They are always ahead. But I am not afraid. Everything I've been through and everything I have yet to experience has shaped me and will shape me into the woman that God wants, needs, commands me to be. I am flawed but He know this and He loves me anyway, unconditionally. I do not deserve it but I accept His love wholeheartedly.

Look back at a post of mine entitled "Waffles can cure anything." There's a story there about a good friend of mine whose heart was broken. When he cried, the rain came down. The day Sky died, a storm blew through the neighborhood. It wasn't a violent, crazy, scary kind of thunderstorm. It was a slow, heavy drizzle with strong breezes and distant, low thunder. It was a sad storm. It was a heart breaking storm. I'll repeat what I said in that previous post.

When our heart is breaking, so is God's. He feels pain with us. He knows our hearts better than we do. He loves us. All of us. Despite our pasts. Let us give thanks for our lives, the people (and pets in my case presently) who have blessed us, and the promise for a bright and hopeful future ahead.

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

Marie Antoinette as Sybil

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the different sides to people. They say that you are the most yourself when you are alone. When you are by yourself, the truest of all your multiple personalities comes out. But otherwise, there are different versions of yourself depending on a number of factors. Where you are, who you are with, the time of the month, the time of day, the time of year, stress, and health are just a few examples of reasons for a shift in mood and personality. The question is, is this a good thing or a bad thing or is it both?

Sometimes I feel incredibly blessed to be an actor. Now granted I'm about as much as actor as I am a writer. I am one because I say I am one. But still, acting gives one a chance to really play around with personality because you are supposed to be a completely different person when you play any given role. Since I really began taking this craft seriously, I have found that over the years I have become progressively and progressively more aware of people's behaviors and mannerisms. I have noticed that people will treat me a certain way when they are with only me then as soon as others are around, their treatment of me totally changes. I do it, too. I don't know why people act in funny little ways like this. One of the great mysteries of life.

We are different people to our parents, our teachers, our pastors, our friends, our younger friends, our older friends, our coworkers, our classmates, strangers, and ourselves. Whether we are clinically diagnosed or not, we all have multiple personalities.

I started thinking about this while watching the film "Marie Antoinette." It's one of my guilty pleasure movies because I don't particularly think it's very good from a critic's point of view but yet I love to watch it over and over. I digress. I started thinking about Marie Antoinette herself. She was thrust into a world of upmost propriety and wealth. Her life was one of much bowing, curtsy-ing (?), and minding her P's and Q's like whoa. I'm sure she had friends and trusted loved ones in her life but I wonder if she ever truly let herself go. And I don't mean getting fat. I mean let herself just completely let loose and tell someone exactly what she was feeling. I mean think about what all this poor girl went through in her life. She was forced into a marriage beyond her control at a young age, made to live a country she was completely unfamiliar with, her husband wouldn't sleep with her until several years into their marriage, and then like the cherry on top of the sundae of her wonderful life, she got her head chopped off for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Poor thing. She needed someone to just talk to if you ask me. She needed a blog. Of course, she may have gotten her head chopped off even sooner if she had one of these. I guess everything does happen for a reason.

In later centuries, one would never imagine wearing a hat indoors. Politics, war, and current events were saved for men. Art was practically forbidden yet very reveared. Women were ladies and men were gentlemen. People had titles. Respect. Dignity. So now the question is...what is all this gut spilling and no-hiding-anything getting us? Were people so miserable then keeping it all inside?

Were we better off keeping our big fat mouths shut?
Or are we happier now with multiple personalities?
Which offers more benefits for society and sanity on the whole?

I suppose Marie Antoinette also had multiple personalities. She was human after all. I wonder if she was happy or if she was confused like I am. So then I wonder...If Marie Antoinette and I are going through the same types of worries or trials, have we really progressed at all since the 18th century? Am I an idiot for wondering? Perhaps it's simply a matter of growing up. Humanity. Something we all go through. Boys, girls, ladies, gents, doesn't matter.

The good news is that despite the change in times, we can still have respect, dignity, and blogs. God bless us, everyone.