I'm not even a full day into my first school day of my senior year of college and already things are better. I can't express how relieved and happy I feel. Summer is over and a new chapter has begun. I'm not going to look at Senior Year as a "final chapter" even though it kind of is. I'm going to try really hard to keep looking at it as simply a fresh and potentially exciting ride into the rest of what is to come. And here's the key ingredient to what is keeping me going and happy: God is in control once again.
Over the last couple of years, I've found it very easy to simply run from God. Did I know I was being stupid? In the back of my mind, yes. In my heart, definitely. So why did I do it? I really don't know. All I know is that over the last couple of weeks, He has revealed things to me in his mysterious way that has truly shown me that things are going to be okay. Better than okay. But like He always does, He doesn't just come out and tell you these things plainly. It's all out there, but up to you to figure out. And I'm so daft most of the time, I never really know for sure if I've got it right. But that's where faith comes in. I'm tired of running. Now, not only am I running towards God, but I feel like I've already reached Him and He's giving me a big bear hug. It's a really sweet feeling. I love my Father.
Lately, being back on track and feeling good, God has wasted no time in trying to tell me what I need to know. As nice as it is to be hearing God, it is sometimes not always what you want to hear. Recently the theme I keep hearing/seeing/understanding is waiting. Wait on the Lord. That, my friend, is easier said than done. If you know me, you know that I am NOT a patient person. I want what I want and I want it NOW. And this credo is exactly what keeps getting me in trouble and keeps dampering my walk with God. I take things into my own hands and try to make it work. I keep forgetting that if I just put everything into God's hands, my life will be something so much better, I can't even wrap my brain around it. Why in the world would I not want a life as awesome as that? The only trouble is the waiting part. It's hard to wait on God to do His thing when you see things that you want for your life pretty much immediately. I was thinking today, "Man, if I could just have this one thing, I would do anything to get it. I would eat bugs or walk across hot coals. Whatever it took, I would do it!" But then I thought, "Would you be patient and wait on the Lord, Melanie?" Because honestly, that would probably be just as scary/challenging as any other daredevil task I could do. It's very scary to hold your horses and wait on God to work in your life. He works all the time, yes, but you know what I mean. Waiting on Him to reveal things to you so that you don't just act on your urges and end up in a bad place.
Months ago I prayed on a lake. "God, opens doors and give me the courage to walk through them." I still pray that same prayer. But now I need to add, "And give me also the strength to wait on you to open the right doors for me."
So what do I do in the meantime? I know myself well enough to know that if I'm stuck sitting in the giant waiting room of life for any extended period of time, I'll end up going insane. So I think the best thing to do is focus on being a better person. Like praying for other people. Being kind. Working on my relationship with God. Growing. And I think that's a pretty good way to bide my time.
So I'll wait for You. w00t.
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