Love is a battlefield.

As my head spins, I try to think about what’s really important in life. Each person on this earth is different, unique. Yet at the same time, we are all united by common principles. This includes things like emotions, loneliness, and simple geography. If you live in Circle Town all your life, you’re probably not going to have friends/fall in love/have to deal with people from Square City. And don’t even get me started on the kooks from Triangle Village. My point is, we all go through the same struggles in life. We each just experience them in different ways.

We will all have our hearts broken. That one seems to really stick out in my mind as a very common denominator for all. Heartache to heartache we stand. I’ll tell you a true story about me…

My first real crush occurred when I was about 5 or 6. I was in first grade. I won’t reveal his name, but ladies, this guy (from first grade until high school graduation) was a god. He was gorgeous. He was funny. He was athletic. He had lots of friends. He came from a good family. In short he was a golden boy. Everyone loved him, including me. I was absolutely smitten and convinced that we were going to get married and have many, many babies. Now this was not your normal, everyday playground crush. You know, the kind that lasts for two hours and then they shove you down in the sand box and then you switch to hating their guts. No. This was way deep for a 6 year old. This crush lasted until third grade. That’s two years! That’s a long time in little kid thinking. But alas, he was never mine. I had to move on.

And I still haven’t figured it out. And by it, I don’t mean golden boy. I mean relationships.

Pretty much since the first grade, I’ve asked myself the same question over and over: What the hell am I doing wrong here? And here? And here? And here? I’ve had people tell me and it freaking hurts. It hurts to be criticized when you are just being yourself. That’s why break ups are so hard. You share your life when someone, whether it’s for two weeks or two years, and then it ends and you’re left wondering what you did to make them not like you anymore. What changed? What happened? Was it all your fault? And how come they don’t see it the way you do?

Then yesterday I had an epiphany. I rarely have epiphanies so I knew I had to tell the world. Boys, girls, whoever is reading this… If you are in the same boat that I am…around the same age as me (early 20s), have a fair amount of confidence in yourself (your traits, your intelligence, your talents, etc.), and can’t seem to understand why it is that you can’t keep a relationship with the opposite sex afloat to save your life… well guess what?

People our age have no clue how to handle the opposite sex.

It’s that simple. We’re still young! We’re still learning! It finally dawned on me that I cannot beat myself up over each and every “failed” relationship I’ve ever had. I mean, there are people in their forties who still haven’t got it figured out. And it doesn’t matter which route your choose: casual dating, serious dating, one night stands, abstinence forever, all work and no play; whatever road you’re on, there be bumps ahead. And that goes for crushes too! Let me tell you an UNTRUE story about me…

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Melanie. She went to first grade, met her dream man, and he fell madly in love with her immediately. They grew up, stayed in love, got married, and had many, many babies. The End.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that nothing in her life ever changed. There were no bumps in the road to help her learn about the truths of life and she lived out all of her days in total ignorance of truth, beauty, freedom, and real love.

The fairy tale life is actually a philosophical tragedy.

At our age, heartbreak simply comes with the territory. I’m sorry to tell you this. And we will continue to get our hearts broken and break hearts until we get it right. Is this a happy process? Hell no. It sucks so much. It never get easier. It just is a little different each time it happens. We will all meet our “soul mates” at different times. There are people out there, believe it or not, who meet their soul mates in first grade. If you are reading this and you are one of those people, well la-dee-frickin-da to you, good sir or madam. We all kind of hate your guts. But we will never say it to your face. We do wish you well. (insert deep breath here) For the rest of us normal, flawed, and stupid homo-sapiens, we will have to wait. Some people never find it. Others find it at the most inconvenient times. Some are lucky and find it at the perfect time. They say when you meet the love of your life, you’ll just know. Every time I hear that I can’t help but think that it’s crap. It’s crap. But then I have to consider the other side. I’ve never “known,” no. But that does not mean that my true love does not exist. It just means I haven’t met him yet. Or at least never dated him/kissed him/considered him. Although I am fairly positive that I simply haven’t met him, one never can tell.

This is difficult to write because my friends will read this. Ex-boyfriends might read this. I’ve been paranoid for a long time that everyone I know secretly rolls their eyes at me. I’ve stopped caring. Of course I care about my friends, deeply. They are lights in my life. But I’m not caring anymore about people rolling their eyes at me. I am a person. I feel pain like you. I want what you want. I struggle with you. This war is ours to fight, as it has been for ages. But no armor will protect you from the pain, the humiliation, the seemingly life shattering heart breaks that we are all bound to experience. I’m realizing a lot of things about myself recently. Over the past few months, I have gotten to know myself better than I ever have been able to. Isn’t it funny how much of your soul you find when you aren’t even soul-searching? Know thyself. Get acquainted with you. Find out what you are really like as a grown person. Know what you are really looking for. It’s called maturity. I’m not lecturing, I swear. I’m just sharing what I’ve recently discovered. And I know that I’m not breaking new ground here. I’m just a girl who is really starting to grow up. Growing up is hard and I tear up a little as I write this. I think about me as a little girl. I would fly around and fall in love with these perfect little boys and pretend to be a cowgirl or a weather woman or a ballerina or a teacher or a mom or a famous movie star. I would go outside and sing at the top of my lungs. I was fearless then, as a child. Then growing up happens and suddenly you notice all these eyes on you and you stop being fearless. And then you notice the eyes turning away from you and you really start becoming afraid then. Life isn’t easy. Growing up and maturing as an adult is one of the hardest chapters in life. And life will continue to throw you curve balls. One after another. You will fall sometimes. You will fail sometimes. But remember something…

You will get up. And you will win. And you will fly again like you did in your childhood. And meeting the love of your life may have little to nothing to do with that. You are your own person. No one can put chains on you and pull you down if you don’t let them. Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” How true that statement is.

At our age (and I know I’ve said that a lot today) finding the missing puzzle piece to our individual beings may seem like trying to find a needle in a haystack, nearly impossible. No one, and especially not I, can blame you for feeling discouraged. It’s a hard knock life sometimes. But that puzzle piece might not be a person. Or rather, it might not be the person you think it is. Yes, we all deserve lovers. We all deserve soul mates. But I am a firm believer that puzzle pieces like that are not really puzzle pieces at all. We have to find completeness, wholeness on our own. And it’s all out there for the taking. Happiness, hopefulness, friendship, companionship, education, faith, family, wonder.

Wisdom is not easy to come by. That’s why we keep making choices that in the end we find were not exactly right. But it doesn’t mean we weren’t supposed to make them in the first place. I’m glad for every good, bad, right, wrong choice I’ve ever made because all those things, all those factors have shaped me into this person I am today. And at this moment, I am begging for God to keep shaping me. Teach me. Guide me.

I feel like I’ve wandered into a whole other realm of thought from which I started on today. But like I said my head was spinning a little. And I’m trying to focus on what counts. I guess to wrap up, don’t be afraid to love and to seek. Try to remember the bravery of childhood and embrace it as an adult. Know what you are searching for but search yourself first. You might be surprised how your destination will change along the way. And above all this, regret nothing. Hold no grudges. Just understand that we are all in the same boat, none above another, and no one really knows what they’re doing when it comes to love. But that’s not a tragedy. It is a fellowship. A big, messy, misunderstood fellowship. And honestly at this moment, knowing that, I feel comforted.

We are young. Heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demands. Love is a battlefield. And I say, bring it on.