Goodbye Yellow Brick Road?

Right now, I want to give you a snap shot of my life and what's going through my mind.

This summer I'm living at home with my parents, taking summer classes at a community college. I will graduate from college in May of next year. Long story short, in less than a year life is going to slap me across the face...hard. And the question I keep asking myself is will I be ready for it?

How can anyone ever be ready for it? I've met people in my life, people my own age, who really seem to have it all together. They seem driven and focused. I envy them greatly. For a couple of years now, I haven't felt very pulled in any given direction. I was just floating and while that was nice because it let me focus on the here-and-now, I was still plagued with the stress of wondering "what happens next?" So what does happen next?

Finally, this past semester, I felt a pull in direction. I began taking a big interest in going to graduate school to study writing. Writing is something that I haven't been doing for a very long time. I started writing about half way through high school independently. I always feel so good after I write something, I can't really explain it. My writing is not that great but after I write down thoughts, a story, anything, I always just feel more at peace with myself. It's a strange kind of meditation but I love it very much. It's a (fairly) newly discovered art for me and I keep trying to expand it. I feel like if I went on to study it, I could potentially do well.

But what about my first love: theatre. What about theatre? I started acting in church plays and such as a small child. I started getting serious about acting my freshman year of high school and I never looked back. Yes, I get a soar of happiness from writing, but the feeling I get when I am onstage is something beyond words. I feel at home, at peace, in love. Everything I feel is wrapped up in a big, soft, homemade quilt of excitement and joy. This is a passion that I am sure God has instilled in me and I'll never know why. Growing up, I was always kind of the quiet one in my class. I did my homework every night. Never missed a day of school. Took dance lessons. Was in marching band. I was that kid. Looking back, I wouldn't consider a kid like that to be someone brave enough to get up on stage and act like an idiot. But finding that strength and that courage was by far the best decision I've ever made apart from getting saved. I feel this is my calling and I am so happy to find true love with such a great art. I feel like the art loves me back in some weird, wonderful way. You have to feel it to really understand what I'm talking about. Am I the best? No. But who really cares? I'm happy doing what I do and that's all I want for myself and I know that's all God wants for me as well. He led me to my craft, my strength, my passion, my soul mates in the theatre and for that I will always, until the day I die, thank Him.

Here's the catch. As much as I love theatre and as much as I am sure that God called me to do this, there are other priorities I must concern myself with. Exhibit A, how do I put a roof over my head? Exhibit B, how do I put food on the table? Exhibit C, how do I make a life for myself after I graduate in May with a degree in something I love but also in something that has an extremely limited job pool and practically no money? Burning questions? More like sizzling, gut-wrenching, oh my god I'm gonna die questions. I'm terrified. Which is what makes going to grad school sound so appealing.

The way I see it, theatre will always be there for me. It's a love that will never abandon me and I have no intention of abandoning it. I just have to take care of myself. I have to grow up and be an adult and get a good job and make good money so I can have the ability to live the kind of life I want to live. It's a hard decision to make. I want to be great. I want to live life to the fullest and sometimes I get really down because I look at where I am now, sitting in bed at my parent's house, 21 years old, life seemingly at a stand-still. I don't know whether to hate the stand-still or embrace it. The storm is coming and I don't feel fully prepared.

Please pray for me. I want to enjoy, truly enjoy, my senior year. I have so much left to accomplish in the upcoming months. Pray for me that I can succeed and graduate in May feeling on top of the world, not sinking. That's how I think every graduate should feel. It's a huge accomplishment to graduate college. I want to celebrate and feel amazing. But after the dust from all the grad excitement has settled, I'll need to know what I'm doing in the real world. I'll need a place to live, a job, and the confidence (most importantly) to make it all happen and be happy doing it.

I know life won't ever feed me cookies on a silver platter but I feel the passion and the potential inside of me to do great things. Whether it's theatre or writing or something that God hasn't even revealed to me yet, I just want to be happy as a member of God's great family. But I know that I can't just sit here and wait for greatness. Ben Franklin said "God helps those who help themselves." I feel those are very wise words. I want to be driven. I want to succeed. I want to make my mark, my impact on the world somehow. But I can't do it alone.

Good lord, being an almost-college-graduate-twenty-something-head-in-the-clouds-fine-arts-major is really confusing sometimes. But the fruits of the labor of an artist have the potential to impact something that seems so much bigger than even the world. I have to always remember to go back to the basics.

Strength, patience, courage, focus, understanding, compassion, and love.