I recently applied for a few jobs in hopes of making some extra cash over Christmas break. I applied to several different places but in all honesty I'm probably not going to get hired by any of them. I mean, if you were a retail store would YOU want to hire a 21 year old college student with no retail experience for only about 3 weeks during the busiest time of the year? Yeah, I don't think so. It's no biggie. I understand their plight completely. I wouldn't want to do that either. But in this whole process of job hunting, I started thinking about my profession. I love acting. I earnestly believe it's what I was put on this Earth to do. I feel the most at home and the most happy when I'm on stage or even just in front of an audience. Performing is my passion. I love it. And I am a firm believer that what a person's passions are defines them. Even Jesus said that where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. When Jesus spoke those words, He meant them in the context of being very careful where you place your heart; be picky about what you devote your time, your life to. But if God calls you to a passion, I say place your heart in it as much as you can. For where God calls you, there HE is also.
If life imitates art, what kind of life does the actor build?
I think that's why I'm such a people pleaser. When I'm on stage, I'm under total scrutiny. If I flub a line, the audience might not know...but then again they might totally know. If I break character, chances are they'll definitely know. And they laugh, sometimes not with you. I'm simply accustomed to being in the spotlight in the sense that everyone is paying attention to the things I do and say. But that is NOT how things are in the real world. The stage and reality are really far apart, no matter how much you want to debate me on that. If I flub a line or break "character" in real life, no one is probably going to know except me. But I've never looked at it that way. My friends and family are well aware that I wear my heart of my sleeve, that my face might as well be made of glass; the transparency of my emotions is utterly overwhelming. I've always brought that element of understanding of seemingly constant judgement into my reality. And sometimes I get my heart broken that way. Sometimes I embarrass myself that way. And worse, sometimes I hurt others this way. And that's the part I hate the most I think.
In a story told on stage or screen, there are usually 3 acts: the introduction/exposition; the rise of action or conflict; and the fall of action and the resolution. That's the key word right there: resolution. I sometimes feel like I'm sitting around waiting for answers that I'm sure are coming. Soon. Like old fairy tales, if the Big Bad Wolf eats Grandma then the Big Bad Wolf is going to meet his end. It's not even a question. Not to sound like a cynic, but in reality Big Bad Wolves eat Grandma's everyday for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (not literally... I mean, I guess this could be literal somewhere out there although I sure do hope not). What I mean is, the villains in life don't always get what they deserve. And what's worse is that often times the heroes don't reap the benefits of their good deeds either. Very little resolution lies out there for the taking. Gosh this post has slowly taken a turn for the depressing. How did that happen? I'm serious. I mean you kind readers no sadness. Gee whiz. Let me just get to my point...
My point IS that nothing in life ever happens like you expect. People might not care about what you say or how you say it or choices you make. Maybe the ones you want to care don't and the ones you don't want to care do. You might do something great and get ignored or cut down. You might do something really nasty and get rewarded. But life will never deal you the cards you expect or the cards you think you want.
But life will always deal you the cards you need.
This might be blasphemous, but God is the dealer.
And if that's the case, I'm going all in.
I'm kind of glad to be an actor, really. Escapism is a very precious gift. It's nice to live in a world where resolution and approval run free and happy. Even if it's only for a couple of hours a night in rehearsal. And I don't act to escape (all the time). No. I act for you. Because life, whether it is imitating art or not, is hard. And I want to be here to be the one who turns that frown of yours upside down. I hope I can succeed.
Did I bounce back from the depressing stuff? I hope so.
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