Jo: Well, of course Aunt March prefers Amy over me. Why shouldn't she? I'm ugly and awkward and I always say the wrong things. I fly around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals. I love our home, but I'm just so fitful and I can't stand being here! I'm sorry, I'm sorry Marmee. There's just something really wrong with me. I want to change, but I - I can't. And I just know I'll never fit in anywhere.
A good talk with a beautiful friend of mine today reminded me how important this subject really is and how desperately I've been meaning to bring it up. Like Jo March and most every other woman of my young age, I find myself at a cross roads as of late. I think about these amazing women...actually no, simply amazing people...people who have gone out, stepped out of their bubble, their comfort zones, and found not only themselves but adventure and life. I crave that so much sometimes, I can't stand it. And lately I've started thinking, I need to stop thinking and just freakin' DO something about it!
We weren't meant to just sit around and wait forever. Of course, like I've stressed to myself all semester, patience is an incredibly important thing...but having a good life to wait for is equally important. Your life is in God's hands. He's the potter; you're the clay. But I don't want to be sitting on the spinning wheel as this nasty, unkept, dirty, hardening piece of clay. That's gross. No, I want to be fresh, clean, and most importantly moldable. And in order to do that, I need to start making some decisions.
The people around me...good friends of mine...their lives are changing and for the better. Some are going to travel to far off lands or across the country. Some are planning their weddings. Some are busy planting seeds that will surely be helping them out in the near future. One of my friends just released a legit music album. And all these endeavors of my friends, it makes me jump for joy. I'm so excited for all of them! It sincerely warms my heart to see so many people that I care so deeply about succeed. I want to be the kind of friend that is always going to show support and encouragement. But I can't help but ask myself the selfish question...
What about my own adventure?
I've grown up in East Tennessee. I'm an only child. My parents are incredibly supportive of me. My friends are the siblings I never had. I'm surrounded by love. I've gotten a great education. I've experienced culture and art in different cities. I've worked my way up the totem pole. I am 100% confident when I say that whatever journey God has planned for me, where I am right now is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
But graduation quickly approaches. What happens then? I'm not really scared or freaking out when I write this. I'm surprisingly (and uncharacteristically) calm. I'm just simply...curious. In a way, it's sort of thrilling to know that my life is going to change in just a few short months. Where will I be? Who will I meet? What will I be doing? I could do anything with the foundation I have, praise God.
I guess my biggest fear is that...
Nothing will change.
Everything will stay the same.
I'll move back home.
I won't take the leap.
Vanilla.
I can't do that. For heaven's sake! I can't do that! I won't let myself. I don't want to look back on my 22 year old self (that's how old I'll be come graduation) and think, "Man, I should have done this..." That would be a fate worse than death. I want my adventure. So bad. And the closer to May 7th I get, the stronger that desire grows.
That same friend that I mentioned earlier who just had am album released, well she's also extremely brilliant and she gave me a great piece of advice a while back.
"Mel, when I think about the things I regret the most in my life, it's not the things I did. It's the things I didn't do."
I know things will happen. I have faith. God will mold me and put me where I'm supposed to be. Theatre degree in my hand and all. But until then, I guess I can just pray and dream of the ideal.
I bought a travel guide book for Charleston the other day. $5.
I also bought a London calendar.
All I know is that somewhere through a clearing
There's a shimmering of sunlight on a river, long and wide
And I have such a river inside
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