Breathe

This week is completely full of busy-ness and crazy-ness. It's gonna be a rough one, but I will get through it. The sun will set on this week eventually. Then I am but a few finals away from summer.

Summer, this year, cannot come soon enough.

I need away from the school and the people. I love the school and I love the people but this girl needs a break. I need some "me" time. I'm looking forward to it very much.

Over the past few weeks of soul searching and bitching, I've learned a lot about myself and I feel like I still have things to learn. But I'm willing to grit my teeth and bear the hard stuff in order to get there.

I care about people in my life. I know that most of the time I blabber on and on about my own problems but contrary to my talking, people are always on my mind. And I worry about them. I worry about the relationships my friends have with the people in their lives if there is trouble. I worry about my family's health. I just want the people in my life to be happy. I want life to be easy for them. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything okay for everybody.

But alas, life is not like that. I can only speak for myself. I can only take care of myself. I can only be true to myself. I can only do what I feel is right for myself. And that really sucks sometimes because that will sometimes mean hurting someone else in the process. And that kills me. It kills me so much. But it's just...life. People have hurt me in the past because they were trying to do what was best for them. And at the time, I didn't understand that and all I was was furious. I suppose I had the right to be. And people I hurt have the right to be furious at me. It's just being human. I just pray for clarity and peace. Is that right?

I feel these days like a pretty confused person. Like, I have too much on my shoulders or something. But God never gives you more than you can handle. God will lead me down the paths that I'm meant to be on. God will take me ona journey that is greater then I can even fathom. I know it. I see it happening everyday.

Whether or not I'm on that journey alone...I just...don't know. Who does? I suppose it's up to Him. I just have to follow my heart. Take leaps. Have faith. Pray for guidance. Never lose sight of my Creator. That is all that matters.

Being a human is hard. Life is hard. But I will make the most of it while I am here and alive. I will live my life. And I will seek happiness. I will seek God.

I guess I might just...need a hug. Good God, what is going on with me?

And just for the record (venting time, folks), I know that I over think everything. But at least I consider all sides of things. And that might complicate things but I feel like in the long run, it's smart. It sucks while it's happening but it's good for me. It's been good for me in the past.

I feel like the theme of this post has lingered on selfishness. Not my intent. Sincerely, never my intent.

Also, please pray for my dad. He's having surgery again today on his knee for like th 400,000th time. He's getting pretty tired of it and I can't blame him. And he's upset because he's missing my one act tomorrow night. Soooo not what's important. I love you, Dad. Please just get better. I need you.