And the holy dove was moving, too.

I seem to be developing a pattern. Whenever I have a paper that needs to be written or just work in general that needs to be done, I find myself with the urge to blog instead. But I can't fight this feeling anymore...I've forgotten what I started fighting for! Ok, no more breaking out into song. There are serious matters to discuss. Focus.

So, as you can read, I've been having a pretty good time as of late. My life is on a good track and I've been really happy. Then today took an interesting turn. Today was my youth pastor's last official day at my home church. I've known my youth pastor now for about 4 years. I'm very close with him, his wife, and their two daughters (who are precious by the way). When my parents moved to Knoxville, they became like my family. I can always call them when I need anything. We can meet up after months of not hanging out and it's like those months never even happened. You know, true friends. It's awesome. So, yeah, back to what I was talking about, today was their last day before my youth pastor takes his new job at a church across town. I'm not upset at all about him leaving the church because I have every intention of going to visit him at his new church. They are also moving across town and closer to me so I'm pumped about that, too. But I went to my home church this morning, after months and months of not going, to be there for him and his family on their last Sunday.

And I got a spiritual slap in the face.

I feel God in my heart. I felt God in the Sunday school classroom this morning. I can see how God is working through my youth pastor. But when I sat down in the pew for the main service this morning in the sancuary...nothing. I felt nothing. It's the same nothing I felt all those months ago which provoked me to stop attending church there. It was so...sad. My home church is really struggling, folks. No money. No pastor. Poor attendance. High debt. And worst of all, no spiritual stirring. At least not for me. The church is full of good people, people I have known literally all my life. I don't understand what it is we are doing wrong. So I had to ask myself...

Do you stay with a church because there is a possibility God can use you to raise it back up again...do you stick it out through the hard times...or do you leave it because the church does nothing for you spiritually and you gotta think of yourself?

It's a tough question and one that has been on my mind for a long time now. I love that church. I grew up there. Some of my oldest friends I met there. I have so many memories and ties there. It's insane how much I love it...the building and the people in it. But what about God in it? I remember a time, back when I was in high school, that God was overflowing from that church. We had a praise and worship band for the youth, 60 kids came every Wednesday night for worship, Sunday services were packed, everyone loving and worshipping the Lord. And then something changed. I'm not sure what but the entire dynamic of the church shifted. One thing I always hated about church was the politics. Money and politics ruin people and they ruin churches. They ruined my church. They ruined my love for my church because after today I realized that that would probably be the last time I go to that church.

Another weird thing that happened was that upon leaving service this morning, I had a very sour feeling in my heart. I stepped out into the sunlight and ugh it was just too bright. My car was parked too far away. It was too hot. I was hungry. And it just got worse. I made my roommates feel bad for something that wasn't their fault. I took things way too personally and got pissed. I didn't have much patience to listen to a friend who needed me. Nothing seemed to feel right in my heart. It sucked. I hadn't felt that way in months. It felt like a lack of God's presence.

WTF? I go to church and then get drained of the Holy Spirit? No. No, no, no, no, no.

Church, for one thing, is not a building. Church is Christ living in your heart. Church, when you are referring to the building, should fill your heart with God's love and presence. Yes, it is your responsibility to let him in, but you should also be surrounded with an environment that encourages and loves. When I sat in that pew this morning, I could almost hear the thoughts of the old people all around me. "Oh, she's back. She hasn't been here in a while. Off at college doing God knows what." It was sickening to me. People need to shut up and look at the big picture. Love your neighbor. Which, I do love my neighbors the old people, but they need to shut up for their own good. I love them, and shut up.

When we all get to heaven, what I day of rejoicing that will be...

Because everyone will be done bitching. Including me. Until then...