Breathe

This week is completely full of busy-ness and crazy-ness. It's gonna be a rough one, but I will get through it. The sun will set on this week eventually. Then I am but a few finals away from summer.

Summer, this year, cannot come soon enough.

I need away from the school and the people. I love the school and I love the people but this girl needs a break. I need some "me" time. I'm looking forward to it very much.

Over the past few weeks of soul searching and bitching, I've learned a lot about myself and I feel like I still have things to learn. But I'm willing to grit my teeth and bear the hard stuff in order to get there.

I care about people in my life. I know that most of the time I blabber on and on about my own problems but contrary to my talking, people are always on my mind. And I worry about them. I worry about the relationships my friends have with the people in their lives if there is trouble. I worry about my family's health. I just want the people in my life to be happy. I want life to be easy for them. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything okay for everybody.

But alas, life is not like that. I can only speak for myself. I can only take care of myself. I can only be true to myself. I can only do what I feel is right for myself. And that really sucks sometimes because that will sometimes mean hurting someone else in the process. And that kills me. It kills me so much. But it's just...life. People have hurt me in the past because they were trying to do what was best for them. And at the time, I didn't understand that and all I was was furious. I suppose I had the right to be. And people I hurt have the right to be furious at me. It's just being human. I just pray for clarity and peace. Is that right?

I feel these days like a pretty confused person. Like, I have too much on my shoulders or something. But God never gives you more than you can handle. God will lead me down the paths that I'm meant to be on. God will take me ona journey that is greater then I can even fathom. I know it. I see it happening everyday.

Whether or not I'm on that journey alone...I just...don't know. Who does? I suppose it's up to Him. I just have to follow my heart. Take leaps. Have faith. Pray for guidance. Never lose sight of my Creator. That is all that matters.

Being a human is hard. Life is hard. But I will make the most of it while I am here and alive. I will live my life. And I will seek happiness. I will seek God.

I guess I might just...need a hug. Good God, what is going on with me?

And just for the record (venting time, folks), I know that I over think everything. But at least I consider all sides of things. And that might complicate things but I feel like in the long run, it's smart. It sucks while it's happening but it's good for me. It's been good for me in the past.

I feel like the theme of this post has lingered on selfishness. Not my intent. Sincerely, never my intent.

Also, please pray for my dad. He's having surgery again today on his knee for like th 400,000th time. He's getting pretty tired of it and I can't blame him. And he's upset because he's missing my one act tomorrow night. Soooo not what's important. I love you, Dad. Please just get better. I need you.

There's a "Life is Good" sticker on my planner.

I haven't had a very good couple of days.
I try to keep a good attitude.
But sometimes it isn't enough.
Sometimes it just gets too hard.
And I feel like a little baby because all I feel like I can do is sit and cry.
Crying won't make anything go away.
Crying won't make anything appear.
Nothing is new.
Nothing is old.
Nothing makes sense.
Everything makes sense to everyone else.
I sometimes think I really might be crazy.
Am I alone?
I feel alone.
Today.
Will I feel alone tomorrow?
Will I feel alone in five years?
I'm scared to be single.
I'm scared to be in a relationship.
I feel like no one really understands me.
But then I fee like everyone understands but doesn't really care.
My problems aren't big.
My problems aren't big enough.
My problems, big or small, matter to God.
He listens to me when I rant like this.
I just get so frustrated because I seem to never run out of complaints.
I seem to never run out of requests.
I never run out of concerns.
I can't seem to master the whole "don't worry, God will take care of it" thing.
I know God is there.
I feel Him with me in the room right now.
That part of my heart is right.
I just want...peace.
I want it all to go away.
But then I don't.
Life is hard.
I'm sorry.
I didn't anticipate this one.
It just kind of spouted.
What am I seeking here?
Companionship?
Love?
Peace?
All of the above?
I've sought God and found Him again.
I'm so happy about that fact.
When does it start getting easier?
Or does it?
I feel like I'm too old to be asking these questions.
I'm not looking for an answer from you.
I'm okay.
I haven't had a very good couple of days.

You ever have days like that?

Crap vs. Chocolate Pudding

So I bought a new shampoo/conditioner combo this week. It's this special shampoo just for brunettes. So naturally (I guess) the shampoo is brown. The first day I used it, I was in a kind of pessimistic mood and when I put it in my hand I was totally grossed out because the shampoo seriously looked like nasty crap. Literally, it looked like poop. So disgusting. Then the next day, I was in better spirits and when I went to use it, I thought it looked more like chocolate pudding. And I was much more okay with washing my hair with chocolate pudding then I was with crap. So then I had an epiphany.

Is today going to be a crap day or a chocolate pudding day?

Attitude is everything. It's official.

There are days when everything seems to fall right into place and the world is beautiful. Then there are days when the world seems to be crashing all around you and you are powerless to stop it. On those days, even the most glorious sunshine seems ugly. Then there are days that suprise you...days that starts off as crap and end as the most delicious chocoloate pudding you've ever tasted.

I was up on stage Friday night for the Women's Chorale concert. I felt my solos coming and I felt the knots slowly begins to form in my stomach. I needed to de-stress so that my voice wouldn't shake or break or anything else catastrophic. So I said a little prayer that God would save me. And of course he did. I loved singing that night. All I wanted to do was sing more. It was such a chocolate pudding moment.

Last night, after Junior Senior, I was out with a group of my friends. I was in line to pay and suddenly this creepy 30-something guy who was in line behind me told me I was attractive and asked to take me out. Super super super super creepy. I know when I'm getting complimented and when I'm getting creeped on. It was very much a crap moment. So I just tried to politely brush this guy off (is that possible?) and when it didn't really seem to be working, I finished paying and looked at one of my good guy friends and said, "You ready to go, honey?" And God bless him, he played along and held my hand out the door and all the way to my car. And crap became chocolate pudding. My friends are the personification of chocolate pudding.

So you gotta decide. What kind of moment is it gonna be? Because ultimately, it's really completely up to you. My hair will still be just as clean and shiny whether I look at the shampoo as crap or chocolate pudding, but I won't enjoy my clean and shiny hair as much if I think I'm washing it with crap. In other words, life will go on the same way no matter how you look at things but you'll enjoy it a lot more if you have a good attitude.

I love when I discover stupid little things like that.

And the holy dove was moving, too.

I seem to be developing a pattern. Whenever I have a paper that needs to be written or just work in general that needs to be done, I find myself with the urge to blog instead. But I can't fight this feeling anymore...I've forgotten what I started fighting for! Ok, no more breaking out into song. There are serious matters to discuss. Focus.

So, as you can read, I've been having a pretty good time as of late. My life is on a good track and I've been really happy. Then today took an interesting turn. Today was my youth pastor's last official day at my home church. I've known my youth pastor now for about 4 years. I'm very close with him, his wife, and their two daughters (who are precious by the way). When my parents moved to Knoxville, they became like my family. I can always call them when I need anything. We can meet up after months of not hanging out and it's like those months never even happened. You know, true friends. It's awesome. So, yeah, back to what I was talking about, today was their last day before my youth pastor takes his new job at a church across town. I'm not upset at all about him leaving the church because I have every intention of going to visit him at his new church. They are also moving across town and closer to me so I'm pumped about that, too. But I went to my home church this morning, after months and months of not going, to be there for him and his family on their last Sunday.

And I got a spiritual slap in the face.

I feel God in my heart. I felt God in the Sunday school classroom this morning. I can see how God is working through my youth pastor. But when I sat down in the pew for the main service this morning in the sancuary...nothing. I felt nothing. It's the same nothing I felt all those months ago which provoked me to stop attending church there. It was so...sad. My home church is really struggling, folks. No money. No pastor. Poor attendance. High debt. And worst of all, no spiritual stirring. At least not for me. The church is full of good people, people I have known literally all my life. I don't understand what it is we are doing wrong. So I had to ask myself...

Do you stay with a church because there is a possibility God can use you to raise it back up again...do you stick it out through the hard times...or do you leave it because the church does nothing for you spiritually and you gotta think of yourself?

It's a tough question and one that has been on my mind for a long time now. I love that church. I grew up there. Some of my oldest friends I met there. I have so many memories and ties there. It's insane how much I love it...the building and the people in it. But what about God in it? I remember a time, back when I was in high school, that God was overflowing from that church. We had a praise and worship band for the youth, 60 kids came every Wednesday night for worship, Sunday services were packed, everyone loving and worshipping the Lord. And then something changed. I'm not sure what but the entire dynamic of the church shifted. One thing I always hated about church was the politics. Money and politics ruin people and they ruin churches. They ruined my church. They ruined my love for my church because after today I realized that that would probably be the last time I go to that church.

Another weird thing that happened was that upon leaving service this morning, I had a very sour feeling in my heart. I stepped out into the sunlight and ugh it was just too bright. My car was parked too far away. It was too hot. I was hungry. And it just got worse. I made my roommates feel bad for something that wasn't their fault. I took things way too personally and got pissed. I didn't have much patience to listen to a friend who needed me. Nothing seemed to feel right in my heart. It sucked. I hadn't felt that way in months. It felt like a lack of God's presence.

WTF? I go to church and then get drained of the Holy Spirit? No. No, no, no, no, no.

Church, for one thing, is not a building. Church is Christ living in your heart. Church, when you are referring to the building, should fill your heart with God's love and presence. Yes, it is your responsibility to let him in, but you should also be surrounded with an environment that encourages and loves. When I sat in that pew this morning, I could almost hear the thoughts of the old people all around me. "Oh, she's back. She hasn't been here in a while. Off at college doing God knows what." It was sickening to me. People need to shut up and look at the big picture. Love your neighbor. Which, I do love my neighbors the old people, but they need to shut up for their own good. I love them, and shut up.

When we all get to heaven, what I day of rejoicing that will be...

Because everyone will be done bitching. Including me. Until then...

Ok, good...

Something interesting happened. I told one of my friends about my blog. I told them how much it's helped me over the last couple of months. I told them that it felt so nice to just get on here and rant about nothing and not care if anyone read it or what they would think about it. It's just me, take it or leave it... And they got a blog! I converted someone! I did it! Ah! I got really excited! Isn't that cool? I feel like...a cool kid. Even though I'm not really a cool kid, it's nice to see someone do something that you turned them onto. I hope it does for them what it's doing for me.

Nothing too new happening here. Had a 5 hour lunch today with a couple of girlfriends (not gay) of mine that I haven't chatted with in far too long. There was not a 5 second silence the entire time we were together. We talked about everything. Racism, sexism, movies, boys, church, politics, theatre, frustrations, loves. Mmm. It was awesome. A real gal pal power lunch. I love those. I also bought tickets today for Junior Senior. Going with some amazing friends. And in an amazing dress. I'm excited to show off the dress, not gonna lie.

...but what if no one dances with me? What if I'm left alone sitting at the table like some freak of nature? What if no one likes my dress? Or worse, what if someone else is wearing the same dress as me? God, this could so end in disaster!

Okay I'm done thinking about that stuff. I needed to get it off my chest so I can officially be done thinking those thoughts. Dunzo. Jr/Sr will be awesome.

Women's Chorale concert coming up. Who's got two thumbs and two solos?! THIS GUY! (girl) God help me... I'm scared. My voice trembles when I'm scared. This could so end in disaster.

April is exploding. Everything that could possibly be classified as April-ish is happening. Papers are due. Finals are sneaking up on us. The One Act festival. Concerts. Plays. Birthdays. Formals. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh God sorry my head started spinning for a second. But it stopped so good... This could so end in disaster.

There is another little something happening in my life currently that could SO end in disaster. But it's the thing I'm really hoping works out the most. Is that a jinx? Shit, I probably just jinxed the whole damn thing.

Oh and I have a zit. On my chin. And I hate it. I think that's pretty much all on the goings-on in my life.

One other thing I want to mention. I'm taking classes this summer and it's going to be about $900ish for the two classes combined. And today my parents discovered a mysterious $1100 deposit in their bank account. My dad found out that his company did really well this quarter and so everyone got bonuses. So there's my tuition. Bam. Tell me God isn't watching out for His children. I dare you.

Ask and you shall receive

This semester...

I turned 21.
Snow was beautiful.
Little Women blessed my life.
I went to Charleston, SC.
I went to New York City.
Now it's summer (according to the temperature outside).
I was freaking out about where my life is headed.
I prayed.

He answered.

I'm looking into graduate programs.
I'm looking into moving away.
I'm looking into my future.
I feel like I could do anything.
I'm supergirl.
I did something yesterday that I've never ever done before.
I was brave.
It was cool.

I feel like I'm getting a nudge in the right direction.
I feel a change coming on.
Maybe the change won't come immediately.
But soon enough.
I can learn patience.
Can't I?

I have to write a feature length screenplay for one of my classes.
Eff.
But I will do it. And it will be...good?

It will be good.
It will all be good.
I serve a great and loving God.
I have the best family and friends I could ever hope for.
My personality is morphing into something I didn't know I had in me.

I want to sing and dance in the rain with Gene Kelley right now.
Yes, I'm happy today. I'm not bitching about anything. I'm just content. So I'm going to enjoy it for the day. And if tomorrow is happy, I'll rejoice. And if tomorrow is shitty, I'll deal with it. I just have to take it one day at a time and know confidently that God is taking care of my future.

And He's taking care of your future, too, friend.

So bring it on classes.
Bring it on one acts.
Bring it on summer classes.
Bring it on senior year.
Bring it on grad school.
Bring on the unknown.

I feel more ready now than I've felt in a long time. And it feels so good. Let's pray God keeps leading me, opening doors, working his magic. I love, trust, need Him and He knows it.

P.S....am I a foul hypocritical Christian for praising God in one sentence and swearing in the next?