Noyv

The theme of courage has presented itself on the little stage in my mind this week. So I'm going to talk about it.

If we have not bravery in our words and actions, what do we have?
Uncertainty.
Insecurity.
Fear.
Anxiety.
Worry.

We used to sing a song in my German class and it went a little something like this:
Ich bin der Barenjager.
Ich habe keine Angst.
The song went on (few songs are only 2 lines long), but it translates plainly to "I am the bear hunter. I have no fear." I imagine in my head a character that looks a lot like Elmer Fudd--tiptoeing through the woods, HUGE rifle in hand, on a determined hunt. But I gotta admit, if you were to put me in the middle of the woods, gave me a big gun and told me that there were bears about...I would be freak.ing..out. Bears are big and scary and dangerous and deadly and even though I think pictures of them catching fish in rivers are majestic and beautiful, you can bet your ass that you will NOT catch me near one of those things. And yet, in the song, the bear hunter has no fear.

It's important in life to sort out what is worth being afraid of and what is not. I know I have a lot of really dumb fears. Such as...
-Standing on step ladders
-Small confined spaces
-A dark house with lots of windows
-My church's basement
-The little girl from The Ring
-And many others I'm sure.
These things are not worth my fear. But, like the Cowardly Lion sings, "if I only had the noyvvv" I could face my fears. But I don't. I don't think I'll ever not get dizzy and freak out when you put me up on a ladder and I don't think I'll ever go down in my church's basement alone. These fears really have no consequence for me...so why face them? Right? If no one is getting hurt or deterred by my silly little fears, why mess with them?

But when you take a step back at look at the big picture, there are lots of things (bigger things) that I am absolutely terrified of that I am having to face in my day to day. You guys are aware of these fears because I've talked about them before. Things like moving away, graduating from college, becoming a responsible adult, being single forever, and living in a cardboard box. I feel that is just the tip of the iceberg. But like the great Van Wilder stated, "Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere." As a second semester senior, there is absolutely no point in sitting around worrying about what is down the road for me in just a few short months. Until then I have a lot to focus on. But unlike my insignificant fears, these biggies are not without consequence should I ignore them.

No one is ever going to force me to stay in a small, confined space for any length of time (I hope). The creepy little girl from The Ring is not real (I double hope). If I ever own a home, I will buy plenty of nightlights and pretty curtains. But I will have to graduate. I will have to learn to live on my own. It's not just a fear. It's a reality.

So I make a choice. Be courageous. Don't let your knees shake. Don't let your palms sweat. If you feel upset, get upset. You don't have to apologize for getting upset. You are human. But find the hope. Find the peace and the clarity. Because it's there. The big bears in life may be scary but you can be the brave bear hunter with your powerful weapons. Weapons like optimism and priorities and friendship. Weapons like love. In cases like this, love can be the most powerful weapon of all. Love is like a grenade. Love is napalm. Wow, I never thought I'd utter that statement and mean it positively.. hm.

Baby steps, though. I'm not graduating tomorrow, after all. So while I wait for not-so-dooms day, I want to have noyv in smaller, newer ways.

I sense a hairstyle change coming on.

Tight Rope Walker

I have always had a secret admiration for people who are ballsy, people who aren't afraid to say exactly what they're thinking. Having that kind of courage positively blows me away because I've never really considered myself courageous in that sense. I mean, no, I don't lie to myself or make valiant efforts to hide things from others. But I've found that I usually will either preface things I say so that people don't take them the wrong way or else I apologize afterwards. I have serious issues it seems with just letting the people around me take what I say as they will.

Why is that?
What's holding me back?
Why be afraid of something dumb like that?

I don't think I'm alone in my constant struggle with wondering how people see me/what they really think about me. I keep waiting to grow out of that but it never really seems to happen. And what's worse is just the fact that I know that it's stupid and yet I continue living my life this way. I feel like there should be some kind of AA-esque type of meetings for crazies like me. "Hi, my name is Melanie and I'm obsessed with self-image."

Hi, Melanie...

I might sound vain saying that. I might sound conceded. But in saying THAT, it just proves my point even more. I don't want to come across as those things. That matters to me. Why? Why can't I just say it and not feel the need to justify it? Isn't that infuriating?? It is to me. I guess it just boils down to this...that's just part of who I am. I may care too much, but I care and that's the point. I care about what I say to people. I don't want to offend or hurt. I care about what I do. I don't want to slip into bad habits or hurt myself. I care about how I appear to others because I want to set a good example.

But as strongly as I feel about trying to be "good," I also want to be true. I want to be honest. Life in the every day is not always happy. I'm not always going to think of the glass as half full. I'm not always going to want to smile and laugh about it. Sometimes I'm going to want to scream and throw fits and cry and cuss and cuss and cuss some more! And that's not wrong. It's just honest. We all have days like that. So I gotta find a medium.

It's almost like a walking a long tight rope. In order to stay balanced, I have 1,001 things to consider: what others think, will feelings be hurt, will someone be offended by the truth, does my opinion count for much, should I just shut up, what do I think of myself, what will God think of me if I do/say this, is this right, is this wrong, does it even matter at all...

This will tag on to my previous post about New Year's resolutions. Here's a new one. And for me, it's kind of a biggie...

Live life unapologetically.

I still want to set some kind of a good example (1 Tim. 4:12). I still want to strive for excellence in what I say and do. I'm not the kind of Christian that wants perfection. I'm the kind of person who wants peace. I serve a God who loves, who forgives, and who yearns for a family who wants those things, too...deeply. So this year, I'm going to try really hard to stop prefacing. Stop apologizing. And just start living. Honestly. And happily.

There are folks out there who steal. There are people who kill. There are people who are addicts. There are people who lie and cheat. There are people who hate. And you can bet your bottom dollar they aren't worried about offending anyone else. They aren't saying, "I'm sorry" to the people they hurt in the process. It's a sad truth. I, in no way, want to take a step in THAT direction. Those people are headed toward darkness with their lack of sympathy. I want to head for the light.

Love unapologetically.
Forgive unapologetically.
Enjoy the good things unapologetically.
Learn and teach unapologetically.
Support unapologetically.
Comfort unapologetically.
Speak unapologetically, Melanie.

Set the example. Raise the bar. The only thing holding you back is you. God elevates. So let's lift each other up, too. Love does NOT mean never having to say your sorry. But love heals. Love provides. And that is such a blessing, it's almost...almost too good to be true.

Resolutions

As we roll into another new year, I, like most everyone else on the planet, am trying to make a list in my head of all the resolutions I would like to make. Such as...

Start flossing. I mean, not just right before the biannual trip to the dentist. But a habitual, every day occurrence. Don't judge me. Like you floss. Please.

Stop drinking soda. I've made this resolution every single year. It never holds up. So this year I've decided to give myself a little leeway. No more soda EXCEPT Diet Mt. Dew. Everyone has their vices. And Diet Dew is mine. 2011 will not be without it.

Complete my second movie list. 40 movies. I can do that. I've done that.

Learn how to properly budget my dollars. I've been called a frugal before. I'm not worried about accidentally spending every dime I have or winding up eyeball-deep in credit card debt. But I want to learn how to be an adult and learn how to budget.

By the end of 2011, I want what I am henceforth referring to as "My Own." I want my own walls, my own mail, my own bed, my own sheets and pillows on that bed, my own gas in my own car, my own view from my own window. So what if I'm renting? So what if I got help getting there? I want to end 2011 with a whole bunch of "my owns."

And graduate college. And that's all I have to say about that.

I had a very interesting and all-in-all very satisfying 2010. It's very nice to have this blog. I can look back on so much this way. But 2011 will be different. Bigger. My life will change in 2011. Because I will graduate. I will move out of my parents' house. I will have to find a real job. I will have to pay my own bills. I will be on my own. It's scary as hell but I am very excited. May the Lord bless me and keep me. Gosh, am I allowed to say that to myself? I guess at times in life such as this, it's allowed in His eyes. I'd say He gets a nice chuckle because of me on multiple occasions. Here I am, freaking out, worrying, being me. And He has everything under control, much to my forgetfulness. I would be chuckling, too. It's part of why I love Him so much.

Here's to 2010. The smiles. The tears. The loves. The pain. The lessons learned. And here's to 2011. May the next chapter be one of equal richness and greater maturity. Happy new year, everyone. May all your resolutions, big or small, be realized. I am thinking of you tonight as the clock strikes twelve.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?

We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

Christmas Blog 2010

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play.
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of Peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how as the day had come
The belfries of all Christendom
Had roll'd along th' unbroken song
Of Peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair, I bow'd my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong and mocks the song,
Of Peace on earth, good will to men."

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound the carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearthstones of a continent,
And made forlorn, the households born
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep;
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With Peace on earth, good will to men."

Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Though another year has come and gone, God is still as ever present as He was, is, and will forever be. Though we go through good times, bad times, and even worse times, the bells of Christmas will forever ring as God's promise. He sent His own son to Earth, born to a virgin and in a manger, all those years ago. And these Christmas bells annually remind us that He is coming again.

Whatever you believe in this Christmas, it is my prayer that the season finds you merry.

Luke 2:13-14, "And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"

Life Imitating Art

I recently applied for a few jobs in hopes of making some extra cash over Christmas break. I applied to several different places but in all honesty I'm probably not going to get hired by any of them. I mean, if you were a retail store would YOU want to hire a 21 year old college student with no retail experience for only about 3 weeks during the busiest time of the year? Yeah, I don't think so. It's no biggie. I understand their plight completely. I wouldn't want to do that either. But in this whole process of job hunting, I started thinking about my profession. I love acting. I earnestly believe it's what I was put on this Earth to do. I feel the most at home and the most happy when I'm on stage or even just in front of an audience. Performing is my passion. I love it. And I am a firm believer that what a person's passions are defines them. Even Jesus said that where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. When Jesus spoke those words, He meant them in the context of being very careful where you place your heart; be picky about what you devote your time, your life to. But if God calls you to a passion, I say place your heart in it as much as you can. For where God calls you, there HE is also.

If life imitates art, what kind of life does the actor build?

I think that's why I'm such a people pleaser. When I'm on stage, I'm under total scrutiny. If I flub a line, the audience might not know...but then again they might totally know. If I break character, chances are they'll definitely know. And they laugh, sometimes not with you. I'm simply accustomed to being in the spotlight in the sense that everyone is paying attention to the things I do and say. But that is NOT how things are in the real world. The stage and reality are really far apart, no matter how much you want to debate me on that. If I flub a line or break "character" in real life, no one is probably going to know except me. But I've never looked at it that way. My friends and family are well aware that I wear my heart of my sleeve, that my face might as well be made of glass; the transparency of my emotions is utterly overwhelming. I've always brought that element of understanding of seemingly constant judgement into my reality. And sometimes I get my heart broken that way. Sometimes I embarrass myself that way. And worse, sometimes I hurt others this way. And that's the part I hate the most I think.

In a story told on stage or screen, there are usually 3 acts: the introduction/exposition; the rise of action or conflict; and the fall of action and the resolution. That's the key word right there: resolution. I sometimes feel like I'm sitting around waiting for answers that I'm sure are coming. Soon. Like old fairy tales, if the Big Bad Wolf eats Grandma then the Big Bad Wolf is going to meet his end. It's not even a question. Not to sound like a cynic, but in reality Big Bad Wolves eat Grandma's everyday for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (not literally... I mean, I guess this could be literal somewhere out there although I sure do hope not). What I mean is, the villains in life don't always get what they deserve. And what's worse is that often times the heroes don't reap the benefits of their good deeds either. Very little resolution lies out there for the taking. Gosh this post has slowly taken a turn for the depressing. How did that happen? I'm serious. I mean you kind readers no sadness. Gee whiz. Let me just get to my point...

My point IS that nothing in life ever happens like you expect. People might not care about what you say or how you say it or choices you make. Maybe the ones you want to care don't and the ones you don't want to care do. You might do something great and get ignored or cut down. You might do something really nasty and get rewarded. But life will never deal you the cards you expect or the cards you think you want.

But life will always deal you the cards you need.
This might be blasphemous, but God is the dealer.
And if that's the case, I'm going all in.

I'm kind of glad to be an actor, really. Escapism is a very precious gift. It's nice to live in a world where resolution and approval run free and happy. Even if it's only for a couple of hours a night in rehearsal. And I don't act to escape (all the time). No. I act for you. Because life, whether it is imitating art or not, is hard. And I want to be here to be the one who turns that frown of yours upside down. I hope I can succeed.

Did I bounce back from the depressing stuff? I hope so.

The Happiness Dress

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine earlier. I'd really like to share. I'm going to tell you a story. As you read it, you're going to think it's completely pointless and wonder where I'm going with it. But bear with me. For in the words of the great Elle Woods, "I have a point, I promise."

My senior year of high school, I went prom dress shopping with my mom one Saturday. Now there are some girls who buy their senior prom dresses days, weeks, months, YEARS in advance. It's kind of a big deal to some people. I, on the other hand, had put it off (of course). It was about a month before prom. When it comes down to it like that, you have to get your dresses then because if you wait all the good ones will be gone and you'll wind up with something frilly, sparkly, and (as I shudder) poofy. It ain't pretty.

So as I walked into the very first dress shop with my mom that day, I had a certain attitude. Some girls have a very specific preconceived notion about exactly what kind of dress they want. The color. The style. The length. Everything. And I had gone out dress shopping with those kinds of notions in the past. And every time I did, I always ended up very disappointed. Once you have that "perfect dress" in your mind, nothing else seems to measure up. You're left dissatisfied and settle for a dress you just kinda like. So that day I told myself that I needed to approach this hunt in an entirely new fashion (Ha, fashion. Get it?) I told myself, "Melanie, don't go in there with any kind of particulars in mind. Just find a dress that fits you and looks good on you."

The very first dress I tried on in the very first shop we went to was this bright orange number. It was strapless and sort of flared out at the bottom. It wasn't exactly my style considering that I'm much more of a jeans and flannel shirt kinda gal. But it was kind of pretty and my size so I thought, "Well, alright." And I tried it on.

This dress was perfect. On the hanger it was meh but on it was wow. It fit just right. No alterations would be needed. It was even reasonably priced. All in all, the perfect dress.

But I did not buy it right away. I thought, "Well yeah, this dress seems perfect. But this is the first shop I've been to, the first dress I've tried on. Surely there are other options out there. I'm going to just put this on hold and keep looking."

My mom and I went to about four other dress shops that day. Nothing else even came close. I knew as soon as we left that first shop that I was going to be coming back for that dress. And in the end, I did. And I wore it to my senior prom. And I felt like the prettiest girl in the room.

I didn't tell you this story to sound materialistic or vain. Not at all. This is my point...

If you try to find your perfect fits in this world, whether they be prom dresses or people, attempting to cram them into an "ideal mold" you've created will only leave you completely disappointed. Change your mold to fit the things that take your breath away. Only then will you find true satisfaction with the decisions that you make. Only then will you feel like the prettiest girl in the room.

This whole post really isn't about a dress at all.

Thanksgiving Blog 2010

I’m thankful for…

An old-fashioned heart
A sense of humor that keeps me laughing often
A love for all things cute and fluffy
The mountains
Water: lakes, rivers, oceans, you name it.
Good books
Good books about relationships
Good books about adventure
Good books about love
Good books about romance
Ah hell, I’ll just say it. I’m thankful for romance novels.
Broadway musicals and the people who love them
The sky from dusk til sunrise
Fiber optic Christmas Trees
Garden gnomes named Oscar
Junk food
Diet Mt. Dew
Sprite…a whole lot of it
Rain, but only when I’m listening to it while falling asleep
The rest of the time, sunshine
Or snow. Snow.
Singing while driving
Sutton Foster
Thrilling new pizza toppings
My secret prayer before I go to sleep each night
Sunday afternoons at Nana’s
Paula Deen
Harry Potter
Entertainers who never back down
Charleston, SC
New York City, NY
London, England
Walt Disney
Anything and everything Titanic
Cartoons
Used book stores
Wavy hair
Playing dress up at the age of 21
Home-made detective capes
Panda Pillow Pets
“That’s what she said” jokes
Inside jokes
Always being the last one to get the joke
Celebrity impressions…Daniel Day Lewis in particular
Manta rays
Yellow car
Men that prove that chivalry isn’t dead
Men that can tell a girl she is beautiful using only his eyes
Men with the balls to say it anyway
Pretending that my life has a soundtrack
Never settling for anything less than childhood dreams
Being obsessive-compulsive about neatness
Milligan College
Elizabethton, TN
The Well
Alt Nation, Live on Broadway, 70s on 7, 90s on 9, and Classic Vinyl
Driving alone
Sucking at sports
Funny voices
Euchre
Jason Segel
Dane Cook
My roommate’s Twitter account
The front porch of Hart Hall on Monday & Wednesday afternoons
Having whole conversations in movie quotes
Discovering that you aren’t the only one
Sleeping in
Sleeping in general
Friends with cameras
Intelligent conversations
Hilariously obnoxious conversations
Emotional outbursts
Genuine characters
Genuine people
Real people
A family that extends beyond a tree
Tomorrow’s promise


Psalm 107:1 “Give THANKS to the LORD for He is good. His LOVE endures forever.”