I have always had a secret admiration for people who are ballsy, people who aren't afraid to say exactly what they're thinking. Having that kind of courage positively blows me away because I've never really considered myself courageous in that sense. I mean, no, I don't lie to myself or make valiant efforts to hide things from others. But I've found that I usually will either preface things I say so that people don't take them the wrong way or else I apologize afterwards. I have serious issues it seems with just letting the people around me take what I say as they will.
Why is that?
What's holding me back?
Why be afraid of something dumb like that?
I don't think I'm alone in my constant struggle with wondering how people see me/what they really think about me. I keep waiting to grow out of that but it never really seems to happen. And what's worse is just the fact that I know that it's stupid and yet I continue living my life this way. I feel like there should be some kind of AA-esque type of meetings for crazies like me. "Hi, my name is Melanie and I'm obsessed with self-image."
Hi, Melanie...
I might sound vain saying that. I might sound conceded. But in saying THAT, it just proves my point even more. I don't want to come across as those things. That matters to me. Why? Why can't I just say it and not feel the need to justify it? Isn't that infuriating?? It is to me. I guess it just boils down to this...that's just part of who I am. I may care too much, but I care and that's the point. I care about what I say to people. I don't want to offend or hurt. I care about what I do. I don't want to slip into bad habits or hurt myself. I care about how I appear to others because I want to set a good example.
But as strongly as I feel about trying to be "good," I also want to be true. I want to be honest. Life in the every day is not always happy. I'm not always going to think of the glass as half full. I'm not always going to want to smile and laugh about it. Sometimes I'm going to want to scream and throw fits and cry and cuss and cuss and cuss some more! And that's not wrong. It's just honest. We all have days like that. So I gotta find a medium.
It's almost like a walking a long tight rope. In order to stay balanced, I have 1,001 things to consider: what others think, will feelings be hurt, will someone be offended by the truth, does my opinion count for much, should I just shut up, what do I think of myself, what will God think of me if I do/say this, is this right, is this wrong, does it even matter at all...
This will tag on to my previous post about New Year's resolutions. Here's a new one. And for me, it's kind of a biggie...
Live life unapologetically.
I still want to set some kind of a good example (1 Tim. 4:12). I still want to strive for excellence in what I say and do. I'm not the kind of Christian that wants perfection. I'm the kind of person who wants peace. I serve a God who loves, who forgives, and who yearns for a family who wants those things, too...deeply. So this year, I'm going to try really hard to stop prefacing. Stop apologizing. And just start living. Honestly. And happily.
There are folks out there who steal. There are people who kill. There are people who are addicts. There are people who lie and cheat. There are people who hate. And you can bet your bottom dollar they aren't worried about offending anyone else. They aren't saying, "I'm sorry" to the people they hurt in the process. It's a sad truth. I, in no way, want to take a step in THAT direction. Those people are headed toward darkness with their lack of sympathy. I want to head for the light.
Love unapologetically.
Forgive unapologetically.
Enjoy the good things unapologetically.
Learn and teach unapologetically.
Support unapologetically.
Comfort unapologetically.
Speak unapologetically, Melanie.
Set the example. Raise the bar. The only thing holding you back is you. God elevates. So let's lift each other up, too. Love does NOT mean never having to say your sorry. But love heals. Love provides. And that is such a blessing, it's almost...almost too good to be true.
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