People Pleaser

When do you stop thinking of others and start thinking of yourself?
When do you stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of others?
Where do the two ideas meet in the middle?
Is that even possible?

As I've gotten older, there is a personality trait of mine that is very clear...I am a people pleaser. My wish in life is for everyone to hold hands in a circle, smile, and sing kume-by-ya (or however the eff you spell it) and just be happy with themselves and each other. Oh, how far we all are from that idea. Everyone has problems with themselves and it seems that everyone has problems with at least one other person. Such is life, I suppose. We can't all be expected to get along. That's asking a lot. People hurt us. People break our hearts. People tear us down. Constantly. It's a struggle.

But here's a thought...what if we lift each other up anyway?

I've gotten myself into destructive situations in the past because I've not taken the hurtful and spiteful things people have said and done to me seriously. Instead I've been nice to them anyway and given them even more of a license to walk all over me. Why did I do that? I don't know exactly. Maybe I'm just an idiot. But I sincerely don't think that we were put on this Earth to walk all over people. And I've tried to live my life by the credo "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." If someone bullies you or hurts you or flat-out almost kills you from their words or actions, your first instinct may be to tell them exactly how you feel about them or hurt them back. After all, they deserve it right? ...Wrong.

We are all lost, confused, tired children of God. We all struggle. We all feel pain. If you are one of the few who are actually able to wrap your brain around the idea that EVERYONE has emotions (even the people who we hate), I urge you to not seek revenge or other means of retaliation against these people. I urge you instead to pray for them, assess the situation, and try to learn from it.

Life is hard. People are difficult to deal with. But what's the point of making enemies? What's the point of being mean? What's the point of war? In my 21 years, I can't find a reason except to fulfill ones own selfish desires. We all do it. I'm guilty as well. No doubt about it. But all of us must remember that we are, at heart, mind and soul, united. We must love one another. Not tolerate one another. Not deal with one another. LOVE. It's God's command.

On the other hand, you'll sometimes come across a person in your life that you will find incredibly easy to love. These people are called friends. Some of them are called lovers (boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives). The closest of these are called family. Cherish these people. They love you so much. Love them. Love them until you die. Never let them go. Ever. Life is too short.

Life is just too short. Let us enjoy it. Kume-by-ya. (Or however the eff you spell it)

Ketchup

I feel as though I have a lot to share but not enough patience to organize my thoughts. Therefore, I give you this...a really random post about my life and thoughts as of recent.

*I finished my junior year of college. I am now officially a senior. I don't know when exactly my life starting rushing past me like the wind but it's freaking me out. I finished the crazy-kinda-wanted-to-kill-myself-there-at-the-end semester with all As and a B in German (which unfortunately counts as 2 Bs but hell, whatever). I was proud of what I accomplished this semester. I feel like I wore myself out a little bit in the process but if I had to do it all over again I wouldn't change anything. Now THAT is a good feeling. Hello senior year. Prepare to be owned.

*I went to Maryland with my best friend/roommate after finals were dunzo. It was my third time going there with her and I must say, each time I go we find a new adventure. This time, it was getting caught in a torrential downpour...while rafting on the Shenandoah River. At first it was so beautiful. I looked around and thought to myself (as a person who hates the rain with a burning passion), "This is God's glory right here. This is beautiful. This will probably be the only time I'm ever rafting in the middle of the Shenandoah and it starts raining. I love this." But then a HUGE clap of thunder shook me out of my utopic state rather quickly and just like that rafting was over. Then it was the battle of Man (and Women) versus nature. Team One, go get the cars. You're gonna hafta walk a mile down the road in the rain. Go. Team Two, the three of us have gotta get this massive raft to the other side of the river so it can be loaded into the trunk once it arrives. Go. ... Guess which team I was on? So as I, a skinny little white girl, tried to help my best friend's sister and her boyfriend get this freaking enormous and really heavy raft to the other side of the river, I felt like I was in a movie. It was actually kinda cool. And once we got it to the other side, I felt like we had really accomplished something. It was so cool. Then we sat in the frigid rain for thirty minutes. Yeah...that part...that part sucked.

*I miss my friends from school. Some a miss very much. Some I miss very, very much. I'm trying to keep in touch. I'm not doing a very good job. So far...it's just been the ones I miss very, very much.

*I'm going to Charleston on Thursday. Hells yeah. So excited. I will definitely be bringing some more trashy books to read. I will definitely be stuffing my face with the most delicious seafood on the planet. I will hopefully get a tan. Maybe. Probably not. I get burned. Eff. I'm taking this trip with my parents. It just dawned on me today that this could very well be the last summer vacation type trip I ever take with my parents. I'm 21 years old. I'll be a college graduate this time next year (God willing). Who knows where I'll be in my life next year. I could be in another city, starting a new life. It's crazy what a dynamic place we're in right now, comrades. Soak up this time you have with your parents. I have every intention. I love them very much.

*I have come to the conclusion that some kids need to be kept on leashes. Never thought I would say that. Either that or parents need to learn how to tell their children, "Honey, don't dart our randomly in front of Melanie when she's trying to walk around the Titanic museum. She's libel to go into a conniption fit." I mean, really!

*Oh yeah, I went to the Titanic museum today...I was gonna type "and I jizzed in my pants" but I didn't think that would be either tasteful or appropriate. How about...it was bitchin'. Better?

*I need an idea for this one act that I'm going to write. I was thinking about it the other day and I thought to myself, "Melanie, you gotta write about something you know." So what do I know?

I feel as though this whole post has been very self-centered. I apologize. But you know. It happens. I guess I just don't have much to vent about right now. It's weird. I mean, things have happened to me recently that should have made me mad (or even down-right furious) but they didn't. I just feel...happy. Content. Is it the weather? Is it the lack of school-stress? Or is it something else?

Or is it something else?

La Cage aux Folles

"The best of times is now.
What's left of Summer but a faded rose?
The best of times is now.
As for tomorrow, well, who knows?
Who knows? Who knows?
So hold this moment fast,
And live and love as hard as you know how.
And make this moment last
Because the best of times is now,
Is now, is now.
Now, not some forgotten yesterday.
Now, tomorrow is too far away.
So hold this moment fast,
And live and love as hard as you know how.
And make this moment last,
Because the best of times is now,
Is now, is now."

Just read this and drink it in as much as you can. I heard it on the radio while making an extensive drive today and I just fell in love with it. The song itself is quite repetitive so maybe if you could just read this over and over you could get the same feeling I got from it. But then again, the melody helped me out as well. Oh well. Take it as you will. (This song is from a Broadway show called La Cage aux Folles and it is nominated for something like 11 Tonys this year. If you don't know what that means, it's just really freaking amazing.)

Real post to come soon. I promise.

Edit: The photo is from the movie Watchmen. I posted this then was watching that film and found a strange connection between this song and this scene. Eh?

Peter Pan

As usual, I'm deciding to blog when I should be studying/working/being productive. But I am about to make you very, very proud of me.

I just completed writing a 126 page screenplay for my screenwriting class. I did it. I am so excited. It was probably the biggest project I've completed since starting college. Have you ever written 126 pages for a single project? If you have, Kudos. I feel your pain. If you haven't, you should try it. It might suck along the way but you'll feel like one hell of a human being once you're through. Let me tell you a little about it. It's a modern adaptation of Shakespeare's The Two Gentlemen of Verona. We just performed the play back in October (I played Julia) so it was all still fresh on my mind. It worked quite well. If you want to read it, contact me. If I trust you/like you, I'll gladly let you take a gander. Damn, it feels good to just be done with it though. I still have a couple more big projects to work on for finals week but who the eff cares. It'll get done. The worst is over. Isn't that a good feeling...

...the worst is over...is it really?

People constantly say "I hate drama, I hate drama." I know I've said it/say it/will say it again. Who really likes fighting with people or being in a awkward situation or making themselves vulnerable? No one. BUT. I've come to realize over the years that life simply is drama. Drama makes up our everyday. Our every moment. Our every breath. And honestly, it makes life interesting. I mean, imagine a world where nothing ever happened. We'd all blow our brains out with pistols out of boredom. Wow, that was more morbid than I meant it to be.

Now, there are some people that take this idea a little too far. And then there are some people that take the idea WAY too far. These are the people that create drama. The people that thrive off drama. The people whose lives are so uninteresting, they make up soap-opera scenarios in order to "fill that void" or something. I am not a fan of people like this. I hope that I am not one of those people. It scares me to death when I think I've done something to hurt another person or stir up trouble. It turns my stomach just thinking about it.

Can't we all just get along?

It's finals week. A week before some of my friends graduate college. That'll be me in a year. But we're not talking about that. Not yet. In my mind, I will be a little kid forever. Peter Pan. That's me. Just the girl version. Wendy? No...she grew up eventually. I digress. My point is that there are people who are leaving my life (possibly forever) in less than a week. Some people I know really well. Some people I used to know really well. A lot of people are strangers. College is such a weird time because you develop these ties to people and then one day, without anyone's permission, the ties are cut. You've got to live with what you built with those people. So what have I built? Have I impacted anyone? Does it really matter?

It matters to me because...people have impacted me.

So go. Live. Succeed. Don't do anything stupid. Fall in love. Get married. Have babies. Praise the Lord. Travel. Do things that scare you. Do things that make you happy. Try new things. Learn constantly. Love constantly. Help others. Lead others. Make money if you can. Remember your roots. Grow wings. Fly.

I hope you wish the same for me in a year.

LAURIE: "Since the moment I met you, I knew we'd be magnificent together."
JO: "We are magnificent together."

Isn't is amazing how two such similar sentences have totally different meanings from two people?

"Here I go, and there's no turning back
My great adventure has begun
I may be small but I've got giant plans
To shine as brightly as the sun
I will blaze until I find my time and place
I will be fearless, surrendering modesty and grace
I will not disappear without a trace
I'll shout and start a riot
Be anything but quiet

I'll be astonishing."

I don't know what I'm looking for or where I'm looking for it...I just pray that I find it. Sooner. Please. Rather than later.

We are magnificent together.

Breathe

This week is completely full of busy-ness and crazy-ness. It's gonna be a rough one, but I will get through it. The sun will set on this week eventually. Then I am but a few finals away from summer.

Summer, this year, cannot come soon enough.

I need away from the school and the people. I love the school and I love the people but this girl needs a break. I need some "me" time. I'm looking forward to it very much.

Over the past few weeks of soul searching and bitching, I've learned a lot about myself and I feel like I still have things to learn. But I'm willing to grit my teeth and bear the hard stuff in order to get there.

I care about people in my life. I know that most of the time I blabber on and on about my own problems but contrary to my talking, people are always on my mind. And I worry about them. I worry about the relationships my friends have with the people in their lives if there is trouble. I worry about my family's health. I just want the people in my life to be happy. I want life to be easy for them. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything okay for everybody.

But alas, life is not like that. I can only speak for myself. I can only take care of myself. I can only be true to myself. I can only do what I feel is right for myself. And that really sucks sometimes because that will sometimes mean hurting someone else in the process. And that kills me. It kills me so much. But it's just...life. People have hurt me in the past because they were trying to do what was best for them. And at the time, I didn't understand that and all I was was furious. I suppose I had the right to be. And people I hurt have the right to be furious at me. It's just being human. I just pray for clarity and peace. Is that right?

I feel these days like a pretty confused person. Like, I have too much on my shoulders or something. But God never gives you more than you can handle. God will lead me down the paths that I'm meant to be on. God will take me ona journey that is greater then I can even fathom. I know it. I see it happening everyday.

Whether or not I'm on that journey alone...I just...don't know. Who does? I suppose it's up to Him. I just have to follow my heart. Take leaps. Have faith. Pray for guidance. Never lose sight of my Creator. That is all that matters.

Being a human is hard. Life is hard. But I will make the most of it while I am here and alive. I will live my life. And I will seek happiness. I will seek God.

I guess I might just...need a hug. Good God, what is going on with me?

And just for the record (venting time, folks), I know that I over think everything. But at least I consider all sides of things. And that might complicate things but I feel like in the long run, it's smart. It sucks while it's happening but it's good for me. It's been good for me in the past.

I feel like the theme of this post has lingered on selfishness. Not my intent. Sincerely, never my intent.

Also, please pray for my dad. He's having surgery again today on his knee for like th 400,000th time. He's getting pretty tired of it and I can't blame him. And he's upset because he's missing my one act tomorrow night. Soooo not what's important. I love you, Dad. Please just get better. I need you.

There's a "Life is Good" sticker on my planner.

I haven't had a very good couple of days.
I try to keep a good attitude.
But sometimes it isn't enough.
Sometimes it just gets too hard.
And I feel like a little baby because all I feel like I can do is sit and cry.
Crying won't make anything go away.
Crying won't make anything appear.
Nothing is new.
Nothing is old.
Nothing makes sense.
Everything makes sense to everyone else.
I sometimes think I really might be crazy.
Am I alone?
I feel alone.
Today.
Will I feel alone tomorrow?
Will I feel alone in five years?
I'm scared to be single.
I'm scared to be in a relationship.
I feel like no one really understands me.
But then I fee like everyone understands but doesn't really care.
My problems aren't big.
My problems aren't big enough.
My problems, big or small, matter to God.
He listens to me when I rant like this.
I just get so frustrated because I seem to never run out of complaints.
I seem to never run out of requests.
I never run out of concerns.
I can't seem to master the whole "don't worry, God will take care of it" thing.
I know God is there.
I feel Him with me in the room right now.
That part of my heart is right.
I just want...peace.
I want it all to go away.
But then I don't.
Life is hard.
I'm sorry.
I didn't anticipate this one.
It just kind of spouted.
What am I seeking here?
Companionship?
Love?
Peace?
All of the above?
I've sought God and found Him again.
I'm so happy about that fact.
When does it start getting easier?
Or does it?
I feel like I'm too old to be asking these questions.
I'm not looking for an answer from you.
I'm okay.
I haven't had a very good couple of days.

You ever have days like that?

Crap vs. Chocolate Pudding

So I bought a new shampoo/conditioner combo this week. It's this special shampoo just for brunettes. So naturally (I guess) the shampoo is brown. The first day I used it, I was in a kind of pessimistic mood and when I put it in my hand I was totally grossed out because the shampoo seriously looked like nasty crap. Literally, it looked like poop. So disgusting. Then the next day, I was in better spirits and when I went to use it, I thought it looked more like chocolate pudding. And I was much more okay with washing my hair with chocolate pudding then I was with crap. So then I had an epiphany.

Is today going to be a crap day or a chocolate pudding day?

Attitude is everything. It's official.

There are days when everything seems to fall right into place and the world is beautiful. Then there are days when the world seems to be crashing all around you and you are powerless to stop it. On those days, even the most glorious sunshine seems ugly. Then there are days that suprise you...days that starts off as crap and end as the most delicious chocoloate pudding you've ever tasted.

I was up on stage Friday night for the Women's Chorale concert. I felt my solos coming and I felt the knots slowly begins to form in my stomach. I needed to de-stress so that my voice wouldn't shake or break or anything else catastrophic. So I said a little prayer that God would save me. And of course he did. I loved singing that night. All I wanted to do was sing more. It was such a chocolate pudding moment.

Last night, after Junior Senior, I was out with a group of my friends. I was in line to pay and suddenly this creepy 30-something guy who was in line behind me told me I was attractive and asked to take me out. Super super super super creepy. I know when I'm getting complimented and when I'm getting creeped on. It was very much a crap moment. So I just tried to politely brush this guy off (is that possible?) and when it didn't really seem to be working, I finished paying and looked at one of my good guy friends and said, "You ready to go, honey?" And God bless him, he played along and held my hand out the door and all the way to my car. And crap became chocolate pudding. My friends are the personification of chocolate pudding.

So you gotta decide. What kind of moment is it gonna be? Because ultimately, it's really completely up to you. My hair will still be just as clean and shiny whether I look at the shampoo as crap or chocolate pudding, but I won't enjoy my clean and shiny hair as much if I think I'm washing it with crap. In other words, life will go on the same way no matter how you look at things but you'll enjoy it a lot more if you have a good attitude.

I love when I discover stupid little things like that.