And the holy dove was moving, too.

I seem to be developing a pattern. Whenever I have a paper that needs to be written or just work in general that needs to be done, I find myself with the urge to blog instead. But I can't fight this feeling anymore...I've forgotten what I started fighting for! Ok, no more breaking out into song. There are serious matters to discuss. Focus.

So, as you can read, I've been having a pretty good time as of late. My life is on a good track and I've been really happy. Then today took an interesting turn. Today was my youth pastor's last official day at my home church. I've known my youth pastor now for about 4 years. I'm very close with him, his wife, and their two daughters (who are precious by the way). When my parents moved to Knoxville, they became like my family. I can always call them when I need anything. We can meet up after months of not hanging out and it's like those months never even happened. You know, true friends. It's awesome. So, yeah, back to what I was talking about, today was their last day before my youth pastor takes his new job at a church across town. I'm not upset at all about him leaving the church because I have every intention of going to visit him at his new church. They are also moving across town and closer to me so I'm pumped about that, too. But I went to my home church this morning, after months and months of not going, to be there for him and his family on their last Sunday.

And I got a spiritual slap in the face.

I feel God in my heart. I felt God in the Sunday school classroom this morning. I can see how God is working through my youth pastor. But when I sat down in the pew for the main service this morning in the sancuary...nothing. I felt nothing. It's the same nothing I felt all those months ago which provoked me to stop attending church there. It was so...sad. My home church is really struggling, folks. No money. No pastor. Poor attendance. High debt. And worst of all, no spiritual stirring. At least not for me. The church is full of good people, people I have known literally all my life. I don't understand what it is we are doing wrong. So I had to ask myself...

Do you stay with a church because there is a possibility God can use you to raise it back up again...do you stick it out through the hard times...or do you leave it because the church does nothing for you spiritually and you gotta think of yourself?

It's a tough question and one that has been on my mind for a long time now. I love that church. I grew up there. Some of my oldest friends I met there. I have so many memories and ties there. It's insane how much I love it...the building and the people in it. But what about God in it? I remember a time, back when I was in high school, that God was overflowing from that church. We had a praise and worship band for the youth, 60 kids came every Wednesday night for worship, Sunday services were packed, everyone loving and worshipping the Lord. And then something changed. I'm not sure what but the entire dynamic of the church shifted. One thing I always hated about church was the politics. Money and politics ruin people and they ruin churches. They ruined my church. They ruined my love for my church because after today I realized that that would probably be the last time I go to that church.

Another weird thing that happened was that upon leaving service this morning, I had a very sour feeling in my heart. I stepped out into the sunlight and ugh it was just too bright. My car was parked too far away. It was too hot. I was hungry. And it just got worse. I made my roommates feel bad for something that wasn't their fault. I took things way too personally and got pissed. I didn't have much patience to listen to a friend who needed me. Nothing seemed to feel right in my heart. It sucked. I hadn't felt that way in months. It felt like a lack of God's presence.

WTF? I go to church and then get drained of the Holy Spirit? No. No, no, no, no, no.

Church, for one thing, is not a building. Church is Christ living in your heart. Church, when you are referring to the building, should fill your heart with God's love and presence. Yes, it is your responsibility to let him in, but you should also be surrounded with an environment that encourages and loves. When I sat in that pew this morning, I could almost hear the thoughts of the old people all around me. "Oh, she's back. She hasn't been here in a while. Off at college doing God knows what." It was sickening to me. People need to shut up and look at the big picture. Love your neighbor. Which, I do love my neighbors the old people, but they need to shut up for their own good. I love them, and shut up.

When we all get to heaven, what I day of rejoicing that will be...

Because everyone will be done bitching. Including me. Until then...

Ok, good...

Something interesting happened. I told one of my friends about my blog. I told them how much it's helped me over the last couple of months. I told them that it felt so nice to just get on here and rant about nothing and not care if anyone read it or what they would think about it. It's just me, take it or leave it... And they got a blog! I converted someone! I did it! Ah! I got really excited! Isn't that cool? I feel like...a cool kid. Even though I'm not really a cool kid, it's nice to see someone do something that you turned them onto. I hope it does for them what it's doing for me.

Nothing too new happening here. Had a 5 hour lunch today with a couple of girlfriends (not gay) of mine that I haven't chatted with in far too long. There was not a 5 second silence the entire time we were together. We talked about everything. Racism, sexism, movies, boys, church, politics, theatre, frustrations, loves. Mmm. It was awesome. A real gal pal power lunch. I love those. I also bought tickets today for Junior Senior. Going with some amazing friends. And in an amazing dress. I'm excited to show off the dress, not gonna lie.

...but what if no one dances with me? What if I'm left alone sitting at the table like some freak of nature? What if no one likes my dress? Or worse, what if someone else is wearing the same dress as me? God, this could so end in disaster!

Okay I'm done thinking about that stuff. I needed to get it off my chest so I can officially be done thinking those thoughts. Dunzo. Jr/Sr will be awesome.

Women's Chorale concert coming up. Who's got two thumbs and two solos?! THIS GUY! (girl) God help me... I'm scared. My voice trembles when I'm scared. This could so end in disaster.

April is exploding. Everything that could possibly be classified as April-ish is happening. Papers are due. Finals are sneaking up on us. The One Act festival. Concerts. Plays. Birthdays. Formals. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh God sorry my head started spinning for a second. But it stopped so good... This could so end in disaster.

There is another little something happening in my life currently that could SO end in disaster. But it's the thing I'm really hoping works out the most. Is that a jinx? Shit, I probably just jinxed the whole damn thing.

Oh and I have a zit. On my chin. And I hate it. I think that's pretty much all on the goings-on in my life.

One other thing I want to mention. I'm taking classes this summer and it's going to be about $900ish for the two classes combined. And today my parents discovered a mysterious $1100 deposit in their bank account. My dad found out that his company did really well this quarter and so everyone got bonuses. So there's my tuition. Bam. Tell me God isn't watching out for His children. I dare you.

Ask and you shall receive

This semester...

I turned 21.
Snow was beautiful.
Little Women blessed my life.
I went to Charleston, SC.
I went to New York City.
Now it's summer (according to the temperature outside).
I was freaking out about where my life is headed.
I prayed.

He answered.

I'm looking into graduate programs.
I'm looking into moving away.
I'm looking into my future.
I feel like I could do anything.
I'm supergirl.
I did something yesterday that I've never ever done before.
I was brave.
It was cool.

I feel like I'm getting a nudge in the right direction.
I feel a change coming on.
Maybe the change won't come immediately.
But soon enough.
I can learn patience.
Can't I?

I have to write a feature length screenplay for one of my classes.
Eff.
But I will do it. And it will be...good?

It will be good.
It will all be good.
I serve a great and loving God.
I have the best family and friends I could ever hope for.
My personality is morphing into something I didn't know I had in me.

I want to sing and dance in the rain with Gene Kelley right now.
Yes, I'm happy today. I'm not bitching about anything. I'm just content. So I'm going to enjoy it for the day. And if tomorrow is happy, I'll rejoice. And if tomorrow is shitty, I'll deal with it. I just have to take it one day at a time and know confidently that God is taking care of my future.

And He's taking care of your future, too, friend.

So bring it on classes.
Bring it on one acts.
Bring it on summer classes.
Bring it on senior year.
Bring it on grad school.
Bring on the unknown.

I feel more ready now than I've felt in a long time. And it feels so good. Let's pray God keeps leading me, opening doors, working his magic. I love, trust, need Him and He knows it.

P.S....am I a foul hypocritical Christian for praising God in one sentence and swearing in the next?

Prayer on a Lake

God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.
God, open doors and give me the courage to walk through them.

Today was a beautiful day. I took a drive out to Watauga Lake (a favorite place of mine) and found myself all alone. It probably looked creepy to any other person (including three smoking teenagers that showed up later), but I didn't really care. This day was just too beautiful to waste. I didn't go to the lake with the intention of having a talk with God, but when I got there I found it impossible to not at least say hello to Him. I mean, it was a beautiful sight. Just look at the picture. That's just a glimpse of what I was seeing. The mountains looked like they were carved out of God's fingerprints. It was breathtaking. But the thing is, I've grown up with those mountains. And everytime I've seen those mountains in the past, I thank God for them. I just can't imagine creating anything so glorious. I never will be able to wrap my brain around that one...but I'm okay with that. Let God be God and just remember to thank Him. But with the mountains and the water and the saying hello, a prayer formed. And I just sat on this picnic table for like an hour and just...talked to God. Out loud. Like he was sitting right next to me. It was amazing. And I just told him everything that was on my mind. And I asked him why I didn't do this more often. What I prayed about I won't discuss (between me and him), but it's not important (to you).

Courage. Patience. Answers. Friendship. Trust. Clarity. Opportunity. Safety.
x2 (for you)
= An amazing 72 degree afternoon on the lake.

**********

I'm coming to the realization that people are actually beginning to read this. It makes me very happy. Whatever led you to this blog, I don't know. Facebook? Accident? Stalker? Oh well, it really doesn't matter. I'm just glad it's reaching somebody. Don't be shy. Talk to me. I love to hear feedback. But this is probably the only time I'll ever say that. I'm only saying it now as a sort of weird thank you for reading this, if you do. I hope you like it. And if you don't...shun.

"There seems to be a great deal happening tonight."

I just got back from the greatest city in the world with some of the greatest friends I've ever had. I will forever look back on these last 4 days of my life with a huge smile and probably a little chuckle to myself. Let me try to give you a kinda-sorta-brief-super-long summary of the trip...

Wednesday
Bus for 12 hours. Cards. Ultimate Champion. Dead Guy in the bathroom. One word storytelling. Sheetz. New York City. Hotel at Times Square. Times Square. Metro Card. Sam Waterston. Times Square again. Second food baby of the day.

Thursday
Got seperated from the group thanks to the closing subway doors. But thank goodness I was with half the group. We beat the others to the Met. 3 hours at the Metropolitan Museum of Art isn't enough time. Hot dogs on the steps. Being sung to by a soul quintent. Singing Monks which was actually some truck noise. The Whitney. So weird. My favorite though. Being stuck at TGIFridays. Running through the streets of New York. Fuerza Bruta. Acid trip from heaven. My favorite show of the trip. Cheesecake at Juniors. Pointless walk across Manhatten. But the company was good so it wasn't that pointless.

Friday
MoMA. Omg. Wtf. Chairs? For 45 minutes? No. Okay, Tim Burton was cool. And so was Pollack. And Rothko. The Astro Diner kicked everyone else's lunch to the curb. The Drama Book Store. Amazing. Overhearing high school boys conversations make me laugh. ICOP (International Center of Photography). Kinda lame. Didn't like it. Little Italy. Waiting in the cold for pizza that tasted like cardboard. Leaving my purse on the subway. Most horrifying experience of my life. Finding my purse less than 15 minutes later, proof that God exists and He loves me. I am the luckiest girl in the world. Praise Jesus with all that I have inside of me. Brooklyn Bridge. Didn't care so much because I was still mellowed out from the purse fiasco. Yeah, Friday turned into kind of a bust but it's okay.

Saturday
Frantic search for Broadway tickets. Got em in record time. Tooled around the city with two of my best theatre pals. Went to my mom's favorite make up store. Got lost on the subway. Not a big fan of the Subway. Saw cute puppies. Chinese food. Went to "In the Heights." Amazing. Corbin Bleu redeemed himself in my mind. Kudos Corbin. Too cold to dress up. Dang it. Went to "A Little Night Music." Standing room tickets weren't so bad at all. Catherine Zeta-Jones is chizeled out of marble. Gorgeous. Angela Lansbury. There are no words. I love it very much. Awesome Broadway music store. Roxy's. Worrying about friends getting lost or worse. Sleep.

Today
Bus. Sleep. Sore. Tired. Already missing the greatest city on the planet. I love New York. It truly is the city that never sleeps. And I'm glad because we wasted no time.

I'm exhausted so I'm going to stop there. But I want to include the journal entry I made about "Fuerza Bruta." You don't have to know anything about the show or see it in order to understand my words. I mean, you might still not get it but I just want to share. Here goes.

"man walking. raining. running. drenched. shot. stops. starts over. people passing. not noticing. people follow. people fall away. running. shot again. start over.

such. is. life.

man dreams. women floatin in the air. ballet. flowy. then suddenly it erupts into a frenzy of energy and noise. screams. then after a while it fades away.

man wakes up. people walk by. all ignore and annoy each other. walking again. tables and chairs. frantic to keep everything together. nothing is working.

such. is. life.

joining a party. it soon breaks into a chaotic, destructive rave. everyone destorying everything. everyone is thrilled and having a great time. it spreads to the crowd.

dance party. styrofoam and confetti and cardboard everywhere.

look up. water dancers. first one. then two. soon four. water ballet. beautiful. the pool is lowered. the crowd can reach up and touch it. the dance turns a little scary. violent thrashing. belly flops. then peaceful again. solo. letting the water dance. all join. one last swim.

freedom. beauty. truth. love.

man walking. running. not alone. still running. laughing. stairs. climb them. open the door. think. don't think.

jump.

and everything is okay. never alone. still running and...

dance party. and life makes it rain indoors. no one is thinking. life explodes."

"It isn't. It is. And it isn't. But it's worth it every damn time."

I should not be writing this right now. I have a take home test that is due tomorrow morning and I still have a 3-5 page essay to write on it. I've had the test for about 3 weeks...Just started working on it about two days ago. But hey, it's not my fault that Spring Break distracted me. And distract me it did...

Ladies and gentlemen, I fell in love over Spring Break. However, I didn't fall in love with a man. No, no. I fell in love with Charleston, SC. I went down there with a group of friends and by the end of the week, I honestly did not want to leave. It wasn't really because I didn't want to go back to classes (granted, who ever really does want to go back to classes after spring break?) but I just kind of wanted classes and life in general to just be where I was. So then I started thinking, if I like this place so much, maybe I should just live down here in the future. So now it's a thought I'm pondering. I mean, that town has everything I could ask for or dream of: coastal, historic, safe, beautiful, not too far from home, rich in culture, not too touristy, and practically perfect in every way. Yes. It's something that I think will stick on my mind quite a bit in the future.

Hark? Do I sense direction in my life? Halle-freaking-lujah.

I'll be starting directing soon so I'm pretty excited about that. My one act is good and I enjoy it so I hope I can share that joy with an audience (and make an A). My heart is leaping when I think of the progress our theatre department is making. People are involved now that I never even knew had an interest in theatre. Those of us "regulars" are even more enthusiastic than ever before. It's such a great feeling to see something you love expanded. It's been exactly one month since "Little Women." Has a month really flown by so fast? I was so proud of what we acheived there and I like to think that that achievement inspired at least someone to get involved. Basically, win.

Going to New York in less than a week. Bought a new dress in Charleston to wear when I go. I know I just spilled my guts about how much I love Charleston, but New York is in a league all on its own in my mind. I can't wait to just be there.

Going home this weekend and I am quite honestly just as excited about that as I am about NYC. I have only been home once since Christmas and I was there about 24 hours. I want my own bed. I want my animals. I want my bathroom. Sigh. I'll be there on Friday night. I'm stoked.

Saw The Hurt Locker a couple of days after it won Best Picture. One word: Bravo.
Three down, seven to go. Honestly, the viewing of those other seven movies is probably not going to happen. Maybe a few but not all.

I feel like I writing a lot just about things going on. Is it boring? It's probably boring. Oh well, I haven't been doing a whole lot of critical thinking lately. I've just kinda either been relaxing or busy. One extreme or the other. Nothing too weird has happened lately that has made me stop and consider. I mean, I still would like some direction. I still would like some guidance. I still would like some laughter and good company. But whose to say I don't have those things? Perhaps I just need to open my damn eyes now and then and take a look at what I have as opposed to what I want or don't have. But I did realize something about myself recently.

I see flaws in myself but not in others.

That's all. Just that one little statement. But it speaks volumes I think. Everyday I critique myself. I critique my speech, my actions, my stupid jokes, my odd sense of humor, my advise, my faith, my relationships, my judgement, my talents and abilities, even my thoughts. I'm so critical of myself and I wonder, is everybody like this? I do strongly believe that there are people that exist in this world and they have no clue about their surroundings or how what they say and do impacts the world and people around them. I'm jealous of these individuals sometimes. Ignorance must be bliss. I would love to just sail through life without a care, saying and doing whatever I please. That would be great. I seem to have the opposite problem because I overthink everything. I always wonder what people around me are thinking. I am always afraid that I'm going to say or do something and piss someone off or make them think I'm an idiot or a freak. I try to be myself but what happens if someone has a problem with "yourself"? What do you do then? What's more important? Or does this answer vary depending on the situation? Questions, questions, questions, none with a sure answer. I could ask 10 different people these kinds of questions and get 10 different answers. So maybe I should just try to answer them myself and go from there... Yeah... I'll get around to that...sometime.

Jesus. So much for not stopping and considering things lately. I even used the phrase "critical thinking." Hmmm. Critical thinking about being critical. What the hell am I even talking about?

I guess the take home test will have to wait for my mind to focus. Crap. I'm gonna fail.

P.S. I read not one but TWO trashy romance novels over Spring Break. I think I've found my new addiction. Those books are like crack. I'm lucky to have school to distract me.

Coldplay, The Scientist

The last couple of days have been up and down. I'll feel pretty down one minute, looking at the world from an extremely pessimistic viewpoint, then the next minute I'll be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready for challenges and whatever shit this world has to throw at me.

What's that called? (don't say bipolar, don't say bipolar, don't say bipolar)

P.S. I'm not bipolar. I'm just a twenty one year old college girl who can't make up her mind about anything to save her life. My opinions about myself, the world, others, God, shifts a little every day. I think I'm learning but it's mostly just annoying. I'd really enjoy some kind of constant to come along soon. But I'm afraid the only constant is change. And the irony that reaks from that statement is perhaps the truest thing I've ever said. Well, written... thought? Whatever.

As of right now, this moment, I feel good. I have a German test in the morning. For the first time all year, I don't feel anxious about this one. I feel like I am going to walk in there at 8 AM and kick that test's ass. Also, it's snowing outside right now. Maybe we'll get another two hour delay. So I will then be kicking the test's ass at 10. That'd be good. Give it a little more time to dread my wrath. Das Klausur ist tot.

I also just finished a rough draft for a short film in my screenwriting class. I am so proud of it. It's not that it's some kind of masterpiece or anything, but it is a legit little short film. There is a plot and characters and they talk and everything. And I wrote it. Isn't that special? I think it's really special and I am excited about it. I don't even care what kind of grade I get on it. Point is that I wrote it, I created it. I made art. I'm an artist. Check me out. Well, I'm a student. But someday...

I also think I've found my one act for the festival. I am so stoked, it's not even funny. There are lots of cuts I have to make, but I'm gonna make em. I am a woman on a mission. I've been wanting to do this one act ever since I understood that I would have the opportunity to direct while in college. I'm doing it, so help me God. Literally, God, please help me make smart cuts so my professor will let me do this and I won't have to pick something lame(r).

On Sunday, I'm leaving for the beach and I'll be gone for a whole week. And I'm going to swim, and read a trashy trashy romance novel (cause I can), and sleep a lot, and eat a lot, and have so much fun it'll be coming out of my eyeballs. Fun, that is. Yes. F.U.N.

I went down to the theater tonight to loan a friend my Canon Rebel. I got to chill for a little while during a rehearsal for a show that I'm not in. It was so...weird. I miss the theater already. I didn't realize just how much until tonight. When I walked into the theater (this might sound weird) but it smelled so good. Like when you go home. And that smell just made me want to put on a big ole crinoline and dance and sing to "Five Forever." I just ached for it. There's no feeling like being in a show. And as glad as I am to be taking a break and focusing on some other things, I miss it. I miss my first love.

I'm going to New York in a couple of weeks. I'll be seeing some shows while I'm up there (not sure which ones yet, but does it really matter?). I can't wait. I want to just be there right now. And I want to get up on that stage on the Great White Way and put on a big ole crinoline and dance ans sing to some song that's cooler than "Five Forever."

Nobody said it was easy. Nobody said it would be this hard.