Ramblings of an Unsure Blogger

I wanted to write simply because I feel like I have a lot of thoughts in my head right now. I need to get them out. But you know me...I really hate when I write and it's completely disorganized. I am also not a big fan of writing and making it all about me. No, the world does not revolve around me. But then again, this is not the world. It's just my blog. And my blog does revolve around me. But what good am I doing writing on this thing? Is anyone even reading?

I really like the movie "Julie and Julia." It tells the story of a young woman who starts a blog about her year-long Julia Child cook book marathon. It's a cute movie and what "Julie" writes on her blog somehow reaches the masses and she is given great response and encouragement. Now, I know I'm no "Julie" because it's not like I'm writing about a specific thing, setting goals for myself, or having a purpose. I'm just rambling on and on about my day to days which (if you ask me) are simply average and predictable. Nothing about this blog will spark popularity. But then again, I don't write to be popular. I write because...well, I sometimes feel like I have something to say.

I know I'm weird. People tell me I'm weird. It's not a new development.

I guess today I'm just at a kind of crossroad. Nothing really brought this on but I just can't keep my thoughts still. I am occupied with thoughts on the past, worried sick about the future and therefore neglecting the present. I often have to remind myself that the present is the most important part of life. It's all we have. The past doesn't matter. The future will take care of itself. If we forget the present, we're lost. End of story. We should count our blessings here and now and be damn thankful for everything we've lost and gained. It's made us who we are. In the words of the late, great Jonathan Larson, "There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today."

Today I went back to my hometown. Now technically I reside in my hometown nine months out of the year but sadly I attend a college that has sucked me into it like a bubble and so I really don't spend time in my hometown like I did when I was in high school. And on top of that, all my high school friends are gone. They either attend college somewhere else or have grown up, moved away, and moved on with their life. I once swore that I would never go to college close to home. I ended up at the closest college to home. Was that supposed to happen? I guess so. I'm happy enough at my college. I'm not making much sense. I'll try to boil down my main thought. I wonder if my high school friends were still in town, would they even want to see me? Do they ever think about me? Did I build good relationships/impressions/bridges with them? Do they think I'm a bitch for graduating and kind of falling off the map?

I guess I could play the what if game forever. It's not a healthy game to play.

My "future" worries are thus: Will I pass Biology? Will I graduate on time? What will happen after graduation? How will I make a living? Will I have help? Will I have reasons to laugh everyday? Will I just end up laughing at myself and the pathetic life I've built? Will more bridges be burned? Will I build others? Where will I be? Will I still be asking myself these questions five years from now?

I want to know that I am a good person.
I want to grow.
I want to know everything.
I want to know better.
I want to be the role model.
I want to understand how to get it all together.
I want to tell everyone I know how much they mean to me.
I want those in my life to know they are cared for.
I want them to know I'd be lost without them some days.
I want to smile all the time.

I'm living in a fantasy, aren't I? Do you live in a fantasy? Are you more down-to-earth than I am? Am I alone? Is anybody out there?

By the way, do you like the new look? I do.