Marie Antoinette as Sybil

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the different sides to people. They say that you are the most yourself when you are alone. When you are by yourself, the truest of all your multiple personalities comes out. But otherwise, there are different versions of yourself depending on a number of factors. Where you are, who you are with, the time of the month, the time of day, the time of year, stress, and health are just a few examples of reasons for a shift in mood and personality. The question is, is this a good thing or a bad thing or is it both?

Sometimes I feel incredibly blessed to be an actor. Now granted I'm about as much as actor as I am a writer. I am one because I say I am one. But still, acting gives one a chance to really play around with personality because you are supposed to be a completely different person when you play any given role. Since I really began taking this craft seriously, I have found that over the years I have become progressively and progressively more aware of people's behaviors and mannerisms. I have noticed that people will treat me a certain way when they are with only me then as soon as others are around, their treatment of me totally changes. I do it, too. I don't know why people act in funny little ways like this. One of the great mysteries of life.

We are different people to our parents, our teachers, our pastors, our friends, our younger friends, our older friends, our coworkers, our classmates, strangers, and ourselves. Whether we are clinically diagnosed or not, we all have multiple personalities.

I started thinking about this while watching the film "Marie Antoinette." It's one of my guilty pleasure movies because I don't particularly think it's very good from a critic's point of view but yet I love to watch it over and over. I digress. I started thinking about Marie Antoinette herself. She was thrust into a world of upmost propriety and wealth. Her life was one of much bowing, curtsy-ing (?), and minding her P's and Q's like whoa. I'm sure she had friends and trusted loved ones in her life but I wonder if she ever truly let herself go. And I don't mean getting fat. I mean let herself just completely let loose and tell someone exactly what she was feeling. I mean think about what all this poor girl went through in her life. She was forced into a marriage beyond her control at a young age, made to live a country she was completely unfamiliar with, her husband wouldn't sleep with her until several years into their marriage, and then like the cherry on top of the sundae of her wonderful life, she got her head chopped off for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Poor thing. She needed someone to just talk to if you ask me. She needed a blog. Of course, she may have gotten her head chopped off even sooner if she had one of these. I guess everything does happen for a reason.

In later centuries, one would never imagine wearing a hat indoors. Politics, war, and current events were saved for men. Art was practically forbidden yet very reveared. Women were ladies and men were gentlemen. People had titles. Respect. Dignity. So now the question is...what is all this gut spilling and no-hiding-anything getting us? Were people so miserable then keeping it all inside?

Were we better off keeping our big fat mouths shut?
Or are we happier now with multiple personalities?
Which offers more benefits for society and sanity on the whole?

I suppose Marie Antoinette also had multiple personalities. She was human after all. I wonder if she was happy or if she was confused like I am. So then I wonder...If Marie Antoinette and I are going through the same types of worries or trials, have we really progressed at all since the 18th century? Am I an idiot for wondering? Perhaps it's simply a matter of growing up. Humanity. Something we all go through. Boys, girls, ladies, gents, doesn't matter.

The good news is that despite the change in times, we can still have respect, dignity, and blogs. God bless us, everyone.

A Spoonful of Sugar

I have a study guide to be working on. So naturally, I am blogging. But that's okay.

My last post was a downer. I need a pick-me-up. And who knows. Maybe you do, too. So therefore, I'm going to make a little list of things that I need to remember. These are things that I must remind myself of every day. These are things that should turn my frown upside-down. That is the object of the exercise of life: smile as much as possible.

In no particular order
.stop worrying
.stop over-analysing
.stop doubting
.take encouragement
.take criticism
.be graceful always
.encourage others
.if you are critical, be constructive
.have proper priorities
.fear nothing
.know thyself
.love all the time
.pray about everything
.God is your first love and your best friend
.people are not the enemy
.be choosy about the people you love
.don't bite the hand that feeds you
.if you're hand gets bitten, don't go back for more
.fool me once, shame on you
.fool me twice, shame on me
.be selfless
.you are not a masochist
.sadists do exist; beware
.trust but trust few
.life is a gift
.don't waste time
.normality is boring and stupid
.have fun
.your future is in your hands and your heart
.you decide if your future is going to be good or bad the moment you place it in God's hands
.love everyone in your heart but not necessarily out loud
.God forgives
.forgive yourself
.forgive others
.be happy
.never settle
.live life to the fullest
.do what you have to do
.jump

A very smart person reminded me of a wonderful verse the other day. Isaiah 40:30-31.

"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Last thing to remember
.Jesus loves you

Oh yeah, this I know. And my frown is officially upside down.

I love you, too, you know. You are my brother or sister in Christ. I'm in the family mood today. Let's remember our Father, who art in heaven.

Softly and tenderly, Jesus is calling
Calling for you and for me
See on the portal, He's waiting and watching
Watching for you and for me
Come home, come home
Ye who are weary come home
Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling
Calling, O sinner, come home

Ramblings of an Unsure Blogger

I wanted to write simply because I feel like I have a lot of thoughts in my head right now. I need to get them out. But you know me...I really hate when I write and it's completely disorganized. I am also not a big fan of writing and making it all about me. No, the world does not revolve around me. But then again, this is not the world. It's just my blog. And my blog does revolve around me. But what good am I doing writing on this thing? Is anyone even reading?

I really like the movie "Julie and Julia." It tells the story of a young woman who starts a blog about her year-long Julia Child cook book marathon. It's a cute movie and what "Julie" writes on her blog somehow reaches the masses and she is given great response and encouragement. Now, I know I'm no "Julie" because it's not like I'm writing about a specific thing, setting goals for myself, or having a purpose. I'm just rambling on and on about my day to days which (if you ask me) are simply average and predictable. Nothing about this blog will spark popularity. But then again, I don't write to be popular. I write because...well, I sometimes feel like I have something to say.

I know I'm weird. People tell me I'm weird. It's not a new development.

I guess today I'm just at a kind of crossroad. Nothing really brought this on but I just can't keep my thoughts still. I am occupied with thoughts on the past, worried sick about the future and therefore neglecting the present. I often have to remind myself that the present is the most important part of life. It's all we have. The past doesn't matter. The future will take care of itself. If we forget the present, we're lost. End of story. We should count our blessings here and now and be damn thankful for everything we've lost and gained. It's made us who we are. In the words of the late, great Jonathan Larson, "There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today."

Today I went back to my hometown. Now technically I reside in my hometown nine months out of the year but sadly I attend a college that has sucked me into it like a bubble and so I really don't spend time in my hometown like I did when I was in high school. And on top of that, all my high school friends are gone. They either attend college somewhere else or have grown up, moved away, and moved on with their life. I once swore that I would never go to college close to home. I ended up at the closest college to home. Was that supposed to happen? I guess so. I'm happy enough at my college. I'm not making much sense. I'll try to boil down my main thought. I wonder if my high school friends were still in town, would they even want to see me? Do they ever think about me? Did I build good relationships/impressions/bridges with them? Do they think I'm a bitch for graduating and kind of falling off the map?

I guess I could play the what if game forever. It's not a healthy game to play.

My "future" worries are thus: Will I pass Biology? Will I graduate on time? What will happen after graduation? How will I make a living? Will I have help? Will I have reasons to laugh everyday? Will I just end up laughing at myself and the pathetic life I've built? Will more bridges be burned? Will I build others? Where will I be? Will I still be asking myself these questions five years from now?

I want to know that I am a good person.
I want to grow.
I want to know everything.
I want to know better.
I want to be the role model.
I want to understand how to get it all together.
I want to tell everyone I know how much they mean to me.
I want those in my life to know they are cared for.
I want them to know I'd be lost without them some days.
I want to smile all the time.

I'm living in a fantasy, aren't I? Do you live in a fantasy? Are you more down-to-earth than I am? Am I alone? Is anybody out there?

By the way, do you like the new look? I do.

Thank God Lisa Kudrow got fired.

"The twenties are that time in your life when you're really getting acquainted with your own adult self and seeing how you respond to self doubt when there's so much seemingly at stake. So, let me reassure you. It's not supposed to be easy, but it doesn't have to be torture. You're supposed to have moments of uncertainty about which path to take because the 20's are full of crossroads."

Lisa Kudrow is not particularly one of my favorite actresses. I mean, I like her well enough and I always thought she was funny and pretty and talented. Then a few years back, I learned that she was not at all the dumb girl "Phoebe" she played on Friends. In 1985, Kudrow graduated from Vassar College in New York with a Bachelor's of Science degree in Pyschobiology. She started following her passion for biology in high school and ran with it. Then her senior year of college, she felt called to become an actress and so she changed her entire career path, a pretty ballsy move for such a smart girl. She went through several ups and downs before getting cast on Friends and finding herself a famous actress.

Her story inspires me and I think that it would inspire almost anyone my age. I watched a video today of Lisa giving the commencement address for the 2010 graduating class of Vassar college. In this address Lisa shared her story and I couldn't help but be charmed and encouraged by it. The quote above was made early in the speech, setting the tone that life is hard but you have to keep trying. If you keep trying, you'll find your place in this crazy world. It was really exactly what I've needed to hear, especially since this biology class I'm taking is a little harder than I thought it was going to be. From what Ms. Kudrow says, I could end up being a famous biologist for all I know at this moment.

The video is a little long, but if you want to hear her entire speech, I urge you to watch it. She's just awesome. Lisa Kudrow, I want to be like you when I grow up.

wtf

Yesterday, I was "shh"ed by a good friend of mine while I was sitting in my own living room in my own house. wtf

Today, I was told to "shut up" by someone even closer to me. wtf

Sometimes I get so pissed off at the world I feel as though my head is going to literally start spinning. wtf

Today is one of those days where I just don't feel like I fit in very well with everybody else. I miss feeling the click. You know what I'm talking about? It's that feeling you get when you feel completely in-sync with the people around you and you couldn't feel more at home. Yeah...I haven't really felt that in a while. And I mean, the people around me are not entirely to blame. I don't do much to help the situation either. I guess I just don't know how to fix it. I can't go anywhere. And there's only so much the telephone can do to help. I feel like I'm buried alive under a big pile of "shh" and "shut up." Are you there, God? It's me, Melanie. Get me out of here.

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about selfishness. We all perceive selfishness as a negative thing. I've said it a million times myself: "Stop being so selfish! Think about other people!" Well, I hate to disappoint you but I have a confession to make. The majority of the times that I have said that, it was because I was wanting someone else to stop thinking of themselves and start considering me, myself, and I. Is that not also a terribly selfish act? Calling someone else selfish because you want them to pay attention to you instead? That's a step beyond selfish. That's sad.

I believe selfishness is pure animal instinct. It's natural. I mean, you throw a piece of meat between two hungry lions...those animals will literally kill each other trying to win that piece of meat. They care not about the other's feelings or wellfare. At the end of the day, it's every man for his or herself. So in reality, no matter how hard we try, we are ultimately going to asking ourselves one question: "What do I want/need/think?" It's survival of the fittest. We have to be the fittest. All of us can't be, sadly.

People are always going to have their ways. A great example of what I'm trying to illustrate kind of goes back to what I wrote about last week. My mom's best friend died. They (my mom & her friend's family) are trying to put together a memorial service for her on July 4th (which would have been her 50th birthday). Another one of my mom's friends from high school replied to my mom's invitation by asking if maybe the date could be switched considering it was July 4th and people might be busy.

Let me repeat that. Some random woman wanted the date of the memorial service of her dead friend to be moved to fit around her schedule.

Yes, it's the 4th of July but...really?! You'd rather sit on your fat ass and eat hot dogs and hambergs and watch the same freaking fireworks from every stinking year than actually do something good for your friend who DIED?!???! WTF??!?!?!??!

I don't get people. I just don't understand. People have the nerve to simply do whatever they want to do and to hell with everybody else! I know I'm venting but come on!

I know I'm a hypocrite. I'm just as selfish as everybody else. I live my life the same way everybody else does. This is how life goes.
We eat what we want to eat.
We wear what we want to wear.
We study what we want to study.
We date who we want to date.
We break up with who we don't want to date anymore.
We live where we want to live.
We are friends with who we want to be friends with.
We hate those who don't want to be friends with us.
And we don't ever feel the need to explain ourselves.
I mean, after all, this is America, right? Free country. We can do whatever we want to do, right?

wtf

A Promise Kept

I actually did it. I followed through. I'm proud of myself. I did everything I wanted to do today and more. I feel so good. Looking for motivation? I hear you. All things are possible through God. Even the small things. And the big things. Today, I went the extra mile for myself. Tomorrow, I'm going the extra mile for people I care about. Several miles in fact.

Thank you for your support, all of you. You got me through today and turned my frown upside down.

Don't know what I'm talking about? See the post below \/\/\/\/\/

John Hughes was onto something...

In the classic 1980's teen film Ferris Bueller's Day Off, John Hughes (director and screenwriter) wrote, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." Everyone loves this quote because it lives with the motto of being footloose and fancy free. Life is peaches so let's have fun. And this quote worked very well in the 1980s. Such an amazing time to be alive. Today is also an amazing time to be alive. Unfortunately, some are not.

My mom's best friend died earlier this week. Now, when I say best friend, that is the understatement of the century. This woman was the sister that my mom never had. Actually, considering the relationship my mom has with my uncle (who is like 6 years her junior or something), this woman was the closest person my mom had to a sibling in general. They knew each other since they were young girls. They grew up together, got in trouble together, and had the time of their lives growing up in the 1960s and 70s. They graduated high school in 1978 and up until two days ago, they still remained close friends. My mom's friend had suffered with health problems involving asthma her entire life. It was my mom's wish (even when they were just kids) for her friend to have a normal childhood. She never made an exception of her, tried to make sure she played and did everything all the other kids did (which included sometimes sending her friend into some scary asthma attacks which they always laughed about later). My mom loved her friend deeply. And early on Wednesday morning of this week, mom got the call that her friend had passed. Her breathing issues had finally taken her. Mom cried all day.

I think about what it would be like to lose someone who means that much to you. I've never really experienced true grief over the loss of a loved one. All my grandparents are still alive. I still have both my parents. I've never lost any close friends (by death that is). Hell, I've never even lost a pet that I was close to. I have been living blissfully for the past 21 years never having lost a single person that I've loved. So there's only one thing that would happen today if I did lose someone...

My world would be shattered into a million teeny tiny pieces.

I would like to tell you that I would be brave, strong, and at peace. I would like to say that I would know that it was their time to go and that God knows when the time comes for each of us and everything is in His hands. That may be true but I would still be broken. Not just heartbroken but broken from head to toe. I think about my best friend, after seeing what my mom has been going through. If my best friend died...I would be utterly devastated. And I have only known her for two and a half years! I can't imagine if it were a best friend I had had literally my whole life!

My mom's friend was a good lady. Everyone loved her. But it's not fair that she was taken at such a young age. She was only about 50. That's only half a life! It's so sad to play the "coulda/woulda/shoulda" game when it comes to someone's life after they're gone. So I won't. I just don't want to go there. But still, all this has sparked a million thoughts in my mind...the most prevalent being this...

Life is just too short.

I now finally understand the line between immaturity and maturity. Maturity means not listening to everyone else and listening to yourself for a change. That is where stamina and confidence comes from. Last night I went to Food City for some things. I bought a loaf of white bread, two packs of gum, some Pantene hair care stuff, a box of brown sugar cinnamon Pop Tarts, and four six-packs of Diet Mountain Dew. The 15-year-old self inside of me was crying, "This is such a dorky array of goods! Aren't you embarrassed! This is something that you at 15 would have been embarrassed about!" But it didn't bother me anymore. I wasn't afraid. And I know that example might sound cheap and meaningless but I have a feeling you know exactly what I'm talking about. Life is too short to worry about pointless things like what people are thinking about what you buy or what you wear or how you talk or how you spell. It doesn't matter. All that matters in life is that you are happy with exactly who you are. It's your job to fill in the blanks.

So naturally, in this new spirit of grabbing life by the balls and carpe diem, I wanted to start being as productive as possible. And of course, the first day of this new lease on life, I do nothing. I went to my class this morning, came home, got back in to bed, and did nothing. I watched TV, read a little from my new romance novel (I'm becoming addicted but I just look at it as my new guilty pleasure), and just laid there like a big turd. It's now almost 7 PM and I feel like a failure at life. My mom's friend is gone and I just wasted a beautiful June day. I did nothing for myself. I did nothing for anyone else. I did nothing for God. What is wrong here?Things have gotta change.

So I propose this. Tomorrow is one of my busy days. I have class in the morning and lab most of the afternoon. But I'm not going to stop there. Even though I'm going to come home tomorrow feeling like my brain is mush from all the biology being poured into it, I promise you, my readers, that I will go to the gym and do something good for my body (and also for my bank account considering that the membership fee isn't going to be flushed down the toilet, so help me God). I'll come home tired but fulfilled knowing that not only was Friday June 4, 2010 a productive day but also I kept a promise to you. And P.S. I don't know if anyone actually reads this except for a couple of friends and my mom, but that's good enough for me. I write these things for anyone and everyone who maybe or someday is going through this same growing-up-life-is-hard bullshit that I am. God bless all of you. We're in this together.

Hug your loved ones today. Tell them how much they mean to you. Because, as Matthew Broderick said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."