Pomp & Circumstance

pomp - noun \ˈpämp\ 1 : a show of magnificence
cir·cum·stance - noun \ˈsər-kəm-ˌstan(t)s, -stən(t)s\ 1a : a condition, fact, or event accompanying, conditioning, or determining another

A week ago today, I graduated from college.
A week ago today, I received my Bachelor of Arts Degree.
Fine Arts. Theatre & Film Studies.
A week ago today, I officially became an adult.

I can now say that I am a college graduate. No more papers, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks. But good Lord, how I will miss them. The above picture is of me, my fellow graduating theatre majors, and our two theatre professors. In short, those are four of my favorite and most beloved people in the world. In the four much-too-short years we spent together, we became more than co-workers, more than friends. We became a family. And that experience is one I will treasure forever.

Now I'm back home. I have yet to conquer the world in the week I've been an educated woman. But baby steps are still steps.

I have applied for several jobs here in Knoxville.
I was accepted to write for a local website, freelance with [minimal] pay.
I'm headed to Florida next week for an audition.

I have learned lots of things in college. One of the most important lessons I learned and am still learning is patience. Patience is far more than a virtue. It's a necessity of life and one can scarcely survive without it. I intend to shovel patience under my belt in spades.

A wise person I know reminded me of another one of life's important lessons the other day... "Do what you love. The rest will fall into place." How true and hopeful that statement is. As an artist, I really would rather be poor and content than financially sound and miserable. That's just not the kind of life I want. Of course being destitute isn't ideal but neither is settling.

Never settle.
Have patience.
Do what you love.
Have hope.

May all of our pomp determine our circumstance.

The best of times is now. As for tomorrow, well, who knows?

The Secret Garden, Hold On

What you've got to do is
Finish what you have begun,
I don't know just how,
But it's not over 'til you've won!

When you see the storm is coming,
See the lightning part the skies,
It's too late to run-
There's terror in your eyes!
What you do then is remember
This old thing you heard me say:
"It's the storm, not you,
That's bound to blow away."

Hold on,
Hold on to someone standing by.
Hold on.
Don't even ask how long or why!
Child, hold on to what you know is true,
Hold on 'til you get through.
Child, oh child!
Hold on!

When you feel your heart is poundin',
Fear a devil's at your door.
There's no place to hide-
You're frozen to the floor!
What you do then is you force yourself
To wake up, and you say:
"It's this dream, not me,
that's bound to go away."

Hold on,
Hold on, the night will soon be by.
Hold on,
Until there's nothing left to try.
Child, hold on, There's angels on their way!
Hold on and hear them say,
"Child, oh child!"

And it doesn't even matter
If the danger and the doom
Come from up above or down below,
Or just come flying
At you from across the room!

When you see a man who's raging,
And he's jealous and he fears
That you've walked through walls
He's hid behind for years.
What you do then is you tell yourself to wait it out
And say it's this day, not me,
That's bound to go away.

Child, oh hold on.
It's this day, not you,
That's bound to go away!

As You Like It

As You Like It is certainly not one of my favorite plays by Shakespeare. Too many silly plot twists and complicated characters and story lines. But the paradox of the play's complexity is that the play is classified as "pastoral." A pastoral story is one that is set in the country among folk like farmers and shepherds, surrounded by vast, rolling fields, deep forests, and livestock among all the animals nature offers. In other words, the pastoral life is the simple life. Hence the paradox; a pastoral (simple) story of great complexity.

Over the past couple of days, I have been home for Easter weekend. It's always nice to come home. This trip is particularly unique, however. This is the last school break I will ever have. The next time I come home, I will be coming home as a college graduate. This summer will not be summer vacation. It will just be summer. This weekend is my last school break ever. And that is a tough pill to swallow.

When you approach an end, you start thinking about the beginning. I'm about to turn the page to a whole new chapter of my life. So lately I've been thinking about the things I love and wanted when I was a child. And what I loved I think more than anything as I child was the outdoors. Now I know that all little kids love to play outside. That's nothing out of the ordinary. But still, I loved it. I have such fond memories of going on all these elaborate adventures when I was a little kid. Just me and Sky Puppy, my dog, at my side. The house I grew up in was a log cabin right on the edge of the woods. We lived in the county, away from the noise and bustle of the city (and let me tell you, Elizabethton offered a great amount of both noise and bustle...except not really). Anyway, Sky and I would go outside on a sunny evening and just explore. We would find hidden glens, new lookout points to spy on the neighbors, and all sorts of private places where I could just sit and think or sing or dance or do whatever it is that little kids do when they're alone. The point was that I always felt free. I felt adventurous. I felt alive.

Luckily, as I got older I found life in new things like music, theatre, and school. I found life in the new adventures I found in those facets and with the new friends I made from them. But I've always thought back on my simpler days, lying on the grass with Sky Puppy, dreaming about being a grown up lady. Falling in love. Getting married. Being intelligent. Being happy.

Sometimes I still feel like that little girl. And sometimes, even at the same time, she seems so very far away.

It may also be worth mentioning how obsessed I was with Pocahontas. I had Pocahontas everything. Posters, dolls, bad spreads, sheets, curtains. Everything. I was fascinated with her. Perhaps it was because she was beautiful and courageous and did cool things like swam in her clothes and dove off waterfalls and had friends that were raccoons and hummingbirds. Or maybe it was because she was a real person. She lived. She was an inspiration to generations, not just to me. But I think the reason I loved Pocahontas so much was because she was free.

"She goes wherever the wind takes her."

I think that one does not find adventure. Adventure has to find you. Like it found Pocahontas. Like it found every great hero or heroine we read about in books or watch in movies. As a child, you create your own adventures by playing make-believe. As an adult, you are far more vulnerable. You must willingly submit yourself to letting the wind blow you wherever it beckons. The wind which the Lord himself blows. Who knew that we, as children, had a much firmer grasp on our dreams than we do as adults? Why is that? Because now we know our limits? We are aware of consequences? We have all tasted defeat and we fear it with our whole hearts?

Standing on the brink, I remember my childhood pastoral retreat. Watching the clouds go by. Listening to a babbling stream. Listening to the birds and crickets chirp. A car passes only now and then. The leaves rustle on their branches as a night breeze blows in. Peaceful. Still. Calm. That is my happy place. That's how I like it.

Life will be as you like it. But only if you go where the wind takes you.

Barbie Girl

Like most little girls, I was obsessed with Barbie Dolls. I had at least one hundred Barbies that I played with on a fairly regular basis as a child. Only one Ken Doll though (he was a happy, happy Ken). Some of these dolls were what my mother deemed "collectibles." These were, obviously, the ones that she wouldn't let me play with. They had to stay in the box, package sealed. "Because they would be worth a lot of money someday." I really owe Barbie a lot of credit to my decision to become an actress. Not only did Barbie look pretty, but she did EVERYTHING. I mean, just check out this list of all the stuff she has done (and is still continuing to do to this day!)

List of Barbie's Careers

Barbie is superwoman. She does it all. With a smile that says "life is good," Barbie is the personification of what most little girls, including me, always wanted life to be. For me, instead of pursuing one of her many fields of profession, I wanted to do it all. Why be qualified to do one job well when you can look like you do many jobs well. Hence my love for acting began to grow.

Now here I am, twenty-two years old, a senior in college with less than a month until graduation...and I don't feel qualified to do jack squat.

I wish there was even one thing I could do exceedingly well in. Like if I was excellent at teaching or being a physician of some kind or practicing law or playing a sport or even something mundane like accounting (no offense if you're an accountant). I just wish that I was so good at something that people would refer others to me. Like..oh you need this done? Well you gotta go to Melanie. She's the best. I guess that's what everyone craves, right? Excellence and reputation. I mean, if you're going to spend your life doing something, you might as well be the best.

I like to think I'm good at what I do. But what I do is acting. I stand on a stage, recite lines that someone else wrote, perform action as someone else directs me to do, and pretend like I'm someone else. I lose myself in doing that. It's my passion. It's what I love. But how much of that is really...me? How much of it comes from the rawness of Melanie? And how much of it comes from being spoon fed by others?

I guess it's just part of becoming an adult. I suppose I'll find out more about myself in the coming year than I ever have before. I won't be in school anymore. I won't be relying on my parents (for the most part) anymore. I won't have school or family to crutch my way through my life anymore. In a way, I'm really excited about the prospect of independence. I've always hated having to "be the kid." I want to be an adult, through and through. Maintaining a firm control over my life, I want to be responsible and show the world that, yes, I can do this. And I can do this well.

But do what well? Wait tables? Answer phones? Flip burgers? Would you like fries with that? Praying for tips so I can pay to have that pesky leak in my cardboard box home taken care of? What the heck am I qualified to do?

You can't get a job without work experience. I've dedicated my life to my schooling. I haven't worked that much at all. I feel like I'm way behind in life already and I'm just now at the starting gate. It's not a good feeling at all.

Food expenses, gas expenses, insurance, taxes, cell phone bill, utilities, rent. You can't get an apartment without proof of income but where do you start applying for jobs if you are unsure of where you're going to live?

Graduate college and life will fall into place. Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.
Trust in the Lord, and He will make your path straight. Truth, truth, truth, truth, truth.

I don't know where I'm headed. I don't feel ready or qualified. I'm scared. But even though I don't know where this crazy caravan of life is taking me, it's nice to know who's behind the wheel. With that comfort, I feel like I could be a ballerina or an astronaut, or a cowgirl or a princess or even a business woman (did I redeem myself accountants?). I could be a Barbie Girl. An accessible one. Not a collectible. You'll go no where in life if you never leave your box, no matter how much you're "worth."

You're always in the right place at the right time. Use that faith to your advantage.

Imagination, that is your creation.

Silver Lining

I'm going to speak honestly for just a second here.

I'm glad that certain "negatives" exist in this world. Things like doubt, fear, uncertainty, anxiety, stress, pain, discomfort, loneliness, disagreements, misunderstandings, dishonesty, betrayal, heart break, and even death.

Before you write me off as a "blogger"...you know the type...goth makeup, black nail polish, alone in a darkened room with not but a lone candle lighting my journaling as I cry and flip my hair out of my face...rest assured. That is not me. Currently, I am sitting on my bed in my room in Knoxville, wearing pjs in a nicely lit atmosphere (watching Inglorious Basterds if that even matters; figured since it's such a kick-ass movie it was at least worth mentioning). I'm no "blogger." But let me explain.

I'm glad these bad things exist because it makes us truly appreciate the good. The good would not be good if we didn't know bad. Sugar would not taste as sweet were it not for the salts of the earth. It's the theory of the cloud with the silver lining.

We lost my Papaw yesterday. It was a death that was not sudden or unexpected. We had time to say good bye. We had time to prepare. I'm 22 and this is the first close family member I have lost. I really am blessed in that sense. How many people can't say that? And my Papaw is in heaven now. Pain free. Healthy again. Healthy and happy forever more. And in that fact, my family and I have found so much peace.

When life is lost you start thinking about the life that is still being lived. I know I have over the past couple of weeks. A couple of days ago, I was (habitually as of recent) thinking about what lies ahead for me. But during this self-inflicted stress session, I asked myself a question I had not asked myself before: What am I really living for?

What are any of us really living for? Think about it, don't just read it. What are any of us really living for? We are all spoiled rotten. Are you aware of this? We live in a beautiful world. We have money coming out our eyeballs (Even if you think you're broke, you're actually filthy rich. Congratulations). We have food, water, shelter, and medical care at our fingertips. We have indoor plumbing. We are living a life so utterly wonderful we often forget how utterly wonderful it really is. So what is life?

I am born. I learn to crawl. I learn to walk. I learn to talk. I learn how to use a toilet. I start school. I keep going to school for almost 20 years. I make friends. I date. I go to church. I do what I'm told. I follow the rules.

That is status-quo. That is typical.

We all are given one life. One chance to make the most of it. What holds us back from certain things? What keeps us from being the person we long to be? What keeps us from doing what we long to do? Most of the time, what holds us back is one of those pesky "negatives" as listed above.

But I'm glad for them because without them, what would we have to overcome? What we have to defeat? I don't really know what I'm going to think about my life when I look back on it when the end comes. All I can hope is two things: 1) that the end is far, far away from the now, and 2) that I will not feel defeated by one of those negatives.

Today, this blogger raises a glass to her Papaw. A man who put up an unbelievable fight. May I live a life that you would raise a glass to, too.

Mountains & Molehills (II)

Last semester, I wrote a post entitled "Mountains & Molehills." Last semester I thought I was busy. Last semester I thought I had a lot going on. Last semester I thought my world was crazy. Now it's March, the middle of second semester, my last semester of college...and I was wrong. I had it easy last semester. I should have taken advantage of it. Every second of it.

But, as I've said before, you can't play "coulda, woulda, shoulda." You can't look back. You can't regret. It gets you no where.

But I should appreciate things more generally. Really. Because life is a fleeting thing and the good Lord only gives us one of them to live. We have one chance to fill this life with happiness, joy, love, knowledge, wisdom, and spirit. Fill it to the brim.

I guess I've been thinking a lot about life lately because someone I love is approaching the end of theirs. My papaw is dying...wow...I hate typing that. I hate thinking that. But...he is. He's dying. He's 82 years old. He's lived a good, long life. He's battled heart problems, Type II Diabetes, and cancer twice. Needless to say, his health has not always been the best. Now he is currently residing in a nursing home after spending almost a week and a half in the hospital. The doctors don't give him much time. I've heard it said that the death of an old man is not a tragedy. I know Papaw is going to a home in heaven where his heart will beat strongly and independently. He can eat all the cakes and pies he wants. He will be cancer free. He will be healthy, alive, and safe with his family and with his God. But losing him while the rest of us are still here...there lies the tragedy.

I love my family so much. Sure, we have our fighting times like everyone else. But I love them unconditionally. They are some of the most amazing people on the face of this planet. They are strong. They are brave. They know the answers. They are kind. They absolutely blow me away. I feel like whenever I'm faced with a challenge all I want to do is run away, sit and cry, or have someone else fix it for me. Like a child. In my family, I am the child. I'm the only child. But thank heavens I'm not the only grandchild. I went home over Spring Break to be with my family during this hard time and my cousins, uncle, and aunt drove all the way to Knoxville from Texas. They stayed with us for a few days at the end of the week and having them there was truly a God-send. My cousins and I have a special bond. They are really the closest things to siblings I have. We never get to see each other but when we do it's like no time has passed. When we're together, we're 8 years old again trying to find fun things to do, scheme away from the grown ups, and go have an adventure. This week was hard on all of us but sometimes it just took something small to lighten the mood. Like my cousin Ben putting two onion rings up to his face as if they were glasses. Or my cousin Paige sending me a text from across the room of a cat making a ridiculous face. We laughed. A lot. It was nice having them there.

This past week or so has been extremely hard on all of us. Papaw is still with us but it's just the fact that we all know what's coming that is really hurting us. I wanted to stay home with my family so badly. I wanted to be there to just pick up the slack. Do laundry, dishes, anything to help. So my parents wouldn't have to. It's not much but at least I would be there. But I came back to school. I'm on call. I have a bag packed. (And let me tell you, having to pack a bag with clothes in it that you know you'll be wearing to your grandfather's funeral is not fun.)

When I got back to school and started looking through my planner again, everything seemed so small. All these stresses that I considered to be mountains suddenly looked like molehills.

That 6-10 page paper will get written.
That play will get directed.
That monologue will get memorized.
That movie will get filmed.
It will all get done.

When you are faced with the true matters of life, the rest of your "problems" begin to seem very small. I'm thankful at this moment for the simple gifts of life...

Air in my lungs, food, a warm bed, a shower, music, nature, a college that proves that they really care, friends who go above and beyond for no reason except pure kindness, a family that is setting a brilliant example and strength and unity

For those of you who have been praying for my papaw and for my family, thank you. I have felt the love and support so much this past week. I can't express my appreciation enough.

Life is a gift, so don't waste today.

Cheap Trick

This week, I've had to come face to face with some pretty pressing issues in my life.

I won't get into them all; honestly, I'm just plain sick of thinking about them.

But sick or no, these are things I do have to deal with at some point.

It's not that life is necessarily hard.

I've had a pretty good week.

Life is just life, you know?

It happens and it can't be stopped.

I think about the past and wonder how I got through it/got away with it.

I think about the present and wonder how I'm going to get through it/get away with it.

I think about the future and literally want to throw up. That's how scared I am.

I know it's foolish to be scared of the unknown.

The "unknown" holds many blessings, not just bad things.

I want very much to be excited about what's to come; and in a way, I am.

I guess I'm scared mostly about leaving things behind.

I've built a wonderful life for myself here in college.

I love my friends; I love my studies; I love the atmosphere.

It's my comfort bubble...and that bubble is going to pop very soon.

I decided to put off some of the post-college planning until post-college is upon me.

This is odd for me; I'm a planner.

I don't want to be slapped in the face; I don't want to be left in the dust.

Standing in the rain...alone...with nothing but a suitcase and a dream.

The problem is not figuring out what I want; I know what I want.

I want a lot of things.

But being an artist, it's not about what you want.

You have to be wanted in order to make your mark.

You have to impress; you have to be judged and pass the tests.

I guess that's true of any profession; any life path.

Unless you plan to be invisible or unsuccessful.

And who in their right mind plans for a life like that?

I'm not; that's certain.

I have the thoughts of, "Why have I spent my whole life in school?"

"Will I make it in the real world?"

"Isn't that what school is supposed to prepare me for?"

It just seems like a cheap, dirty trick.

So as I stand here contradictorily halting my plans yet yearning for all the world can offer, I shout, "I WANT YOU TO WANT ME!"