Silver Lining

I'm going to speak honestly for just a second here.

I'm glad that certain "negatives" exist in this world. Things like doubt, fear, uncertainty, anxiety, stress, pain, discomfort, loneliness, disagreements, misunderstandings, dishonesty, betrayal, heart break, and even death.

Before you write me off as a "blogger"...you know the type...goth makeup, black nail polish, alone in a darkened room with not but a lone candle lighting my journaling as I cry and flip my hair out of my face...rest assured. That is not me. Currently, I am sitting on my bed in my room in Knoxville, wearing pjs in a nicely lit atmosphere (watching Inglorious Basterds if that even matters; figured since it's such a kick-ass movie it was at least worth mentioning). I'm no "blogger." But let me explain.

I'm glad these bad things exist because it makes us truly appreciate the good. The good would not be good if we didn't know bad. Sugar would not taste as sweet were it not for the salts of the earth. It's the theory of the cloud with the silver lining.

We lost my Papaw yesterday. It was a death that was not sudden or unexpected. We had time to say good bye. We had time to prepare. I'm 22 and this is the first close family member I have lost. I really am blessed in that sense. How many people can't say that? And my Papaw is in heaven now. Pain free. Healthy again. Healthy and happy forever more. And in that fact, my family and I have found so much peace.

When life is lost you start thinking about the life that is still being lived. I know I have over the past couple of weeks. A couple of days ago, I was (habitually as of recent) thinking about what lies ahead for me. But during this self-inflicted stress session, I asked myself a question I had not asked myself before: What am I really living for?

What are any of us really living for? Think about it, don't just read it. What are any of us really living for? We are all spoiled rotten. Are you aware of this? We live in a beautiful world. We have money coming out our eyeballs (Even if you think you're broke, you're actually filthy rich. Congratulations). We have food, water, shelter, and medical care at our fingertips. We have indoor plumbing. We are living a life so utterly wonderful we often forget how utterly wonderful it really is. So what is life?

I am born. I learn to crawl. I learn to walk. I learn to talk. I learn how to use a toilet. I start school. I keep going to school for almost 20 years. I make friends. I date. I go to church. I do what I'm told. I follow the rules.

That is status-quo. That is typical.

We all are given one life. One chance to make the most of it. What holds us back from certain things? What keeps us from being the person we long to be? What keeps us from doing what we long to do? Most of the time, what holds us back is one of those pesky "negatives" as listed above.

But I'm glad for them because without them, what would we have to overcome? What we have to defeat? I don't really know what I'm going to think about my life when I look back on it when the end comes. All I can hope is two things: 1) that the end is far, far away from the now, and 2) that I will not feel defeated by one of those negatives.

Today, this blogger raises a glass to her Papaw. A man who put up an unbelievable fight. May I live a life that you would raise a glass to, too.

Mountains & Molehills (II)

Last semester, I wrote a post entitled "Mountains & Molehills." Last semester I thought I was busy. Last semester I thought I had a lot going on. Last semester I thought my world was crazy. Now it's March, the middle of second semester, my last semester of college...and I was wrong. I had it easy last semester. I should have taken advantage of it. Every second of it.

But, as I've said before, you can't play "coulda, woulda, shoulda." You can't look back. You can't regret. It gets you no where.

But I should appreciate things more generally. Really. Because life is a fleeting thing and the good Lord only gives us one of them to live. We have one chance to fill this life with happiness, joy, love, knowledge, wisdom, and spirit. Fill it to the brim.

I guess I've been thinking a lot about life lately because someone I love is approaching the end of theirs. My papaw is dying...wow...I hate typing that. I hate thinking that. But...he is. He's dying. He's 82 years old. He's lived a good, long life. He's battled heart problems, Type II Diabetes, and cancer twice. Needless to say, his health has not always been the best. Now he is currently residing in a nursing home after spending almost a week and a half in the hospital. The doctors don't give him much time. I've heard it said that the death of an old man is not a tragedy. I know Papaw is going to a home in heaven where his heart will beat strongly and independently. He can eat all the cakes and pies he wants. He will be cancer free. He will be healthy, alive, and safe with his family and with his God. But losing him while the rest of us are still here...there lies the tragedy.

I love my family so much. Sure, we have our fighting times like everyone else. But I love them unconditionally. They are some of the most amazing people on the face of this planet. They are strong. They are brave. They know the answers. They are kind. They absolutely blow me away. I feel like whenever I'm faced with a challenge all I want to do is run away, sit and cry, or have someone else fix it for me. Like a child. In my family, I am the child. I'm the only child. But thank heavens I'm not the only grandchild. I went home over Spring Break to be with my family during this hard time and my cousins, uncle, and aunt drove all the way to Knoxville from Texas. They stayed with us for a few days at the end of the week and having them there was truly a God-send. My cousins and I have a special bond. They are really the closest things to siblings I have. We never get to see each other but when we do it's like no time has passed. When we're together, we're 8 years old again trying to find fun things to do, scheme away from the grown ups, and go have an adventure. This week was hard on all of us but sometimes it just took something small to lighten the mood. Like my cousin Ben putting two onion rings up to his face as if they were glasses. Or my cousin Paige sending me a text from across the room of a cat making a ridiculous face. We laughed. A lot. It was nice having them there.

This past week or so has been extremely hard on all of us. Papaw is still with us but it's just the fact that we all know what's coming that is really hurting us. I wanted to stay home with my family so badly. I wanted to be there to just pick up the slack. Do laundry, dishes, anything to help. So my parents wouldn't have to. It's not much but at least I would be there. But I came back to school. I'm on call. I have a bag packed. (And let me tell you, having to pack a bag with clothes in it that you know you'll be wearing to your grandfather's funeral is not fun.)

When I got back to school and started looking through my planner again, everything seemed so small. All these stresses that I considered to be mountains suddenly looked like molehills.

That 6-10 page paper will get written.
That play will get directed.
That monologue will get memorized.
That movie will get filmed.
It will all get done.

When you are faced with the true matters of life, the rest of your "problems" begin to seem very small. I'm thankful at this moment for the simple gifts of life...

Air in my lungs, food, a warm bed, a shower, music, nature, a college that proves that they really care, friends who go above and beyond for no reason except pure kindness, a family that is setting a brilliant example and strength and unity

For those of you who have been praying for my papaw and for my family, thank you. I have felt the love and support so much this past week. I can't express my appreciation enough.

Life is a gift, so don't waste today.

Cheap Trick

This week, I've had to come face to face with some pretty pressing issues in my life.

I won't get into them all; honestly, I'm just plain sick of thinking about them.

But sick or no, these are things I do have to deal with at some point.

It's not that life is necessarily hard.

I've had a pretty good week.

Life is just life, you know?

It happens and it can't be stopped.

I think about the past and wonder how I got through it/got away with it.

I think about the present and wonder how I'm going to get through it/get away with it.

I think about the future and literally want to throw up. That's how scared I am.

I know it's foolish to be scared of the unknown.

The "unknown" holds many blessings, not just bad things.

I want very much to be excited about what's to come; and in a way, I am.

I guess I'm scared mostly about leaving things behind.

I've built a wonderful life for myself here in college.

I love my friends; I love my studies; I love the atmosphere.

It's my comfort bubble...and that bubble is going to pop very soon.

I decided to put off some of the post-college planning until post-college is upon me.

This is odd for me; I'm a planner.

I don't want to be slapped in the face; I don't want to be left in the dust.

Standing in the rain...alone...with nothing but a suitcase and a dream.

The problem is not figuring out what I want; I know what I want.

I want a lot of things.

But being an artist, it's not about what you want.

You have to be wanted in order to make your mark.

You have to impress; you have to be judged and pass the tests.

I guess that's true of any profession; any life path.

Unless you plan to be invisible or unsuccessful.

And who in their right mind plans for a life like that?

I'm not; that's certain.

I have the thoughts of, "Why have I spent my whole life in school?"

"Will I make it in the real world?"

"Isn't that what school is supposed to prepare me for?"

It just seems like a cheap, dirty trick.

So as I stand here contradictorily halting my plans yet yearning for all the world can offer, I shout, "I WANT YOU TO WANT ME!"