Noyv

The theme of courage has presented itself on the little stage in my mind this week. So I'm going to talk about it.

If we have not bravery in our words and actions, what do we have?
Uncertainty.
Insecurity.
Fear.
Anxiety.
Worry.

We used to sing a song in my German class and it went a little something like this:
Ich bin der Barenjager.
Ich habe keine Angst.
The song went on (few songs are only 2 lines long), but it translates plainly to "I am the bear hunter. I have no fear." I imagine in my head a character that looks a lot like Elmer Fudd--tiptoeing through the woods, HUGE rifle in hand, on a determined hunt. But I gotta admit, if you were to put me in the middle of the woods, gave me a big gun and told me that there were bears about...I would be freak.ing..out. Bears are big and scary and dangerous and deadly and even though I think pictures of them catching fish in rivers are majestic and beautiful, you can bet your ass that you will NOT catch me near one of those things. And yet, in the song, the bear hunter has no fear.

It's important in life to sort out what is worth being afraid of and what is not. I know I have a lot of really dumb fears. Such as...
-Standing on step ladders
-Small confined spaces
-A dark house with lots of windows
-My church's basement
-The little girl from The Ring
-And many others I'm sure.
These things are not worth my fear. But, like the Cowardly Lion sings, "if I only had the noyvvv" I could face my fears. But I don't. I don't think I'll ever not get dizzy and freak out when you put me up on a ladder and I don't think I'll ever go down in my church's basement alone. These fears really have no consequence for me...so why face them? Right? If no one is getting hurt or deterred by my silly little fears, why mess with them?

But when you take a step back at look at the big picture, there are lots of things (bigger things) that I am absolutely terrified of that I am having to face in my day to day. You guys are aware of these fears because I've talked about them before. Things like moving away, graduating from college, becoming a responsible adult, being single forever, and living in a cardboard box. I feel that is just the tip of the iceberg. But like the great Van Wilder stated, "Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere." As a second semester senior, there is absolutely no point in sitting around worrying about what is down the road for me in just a few short months. Until then I have a lot to focus on. But unlike my insignificant fears, these biggies are not without consequence should I ignore them.

No one is ever going to force me to stay in a small, confined space for any length of time (I hope). The creepy little girl from The Ring is not real (I double hope). If I ever own a home, I will buy plenty of nightlights and pretty curtains. But I will have to graduate. I will have to learn to live on my own. It's not just a fear. It's a reality.

So I make a choice. Be courageous. Don't let your knees shake. Don't let your palms sweat. If you feel upset, get upset. You don't have to apologize for getting upset. You are human. But find the hope. Find the peace and the clarity. Because it's there. The big bears in life may be scary but you can be the brave bear hunter with your powerful weapons. Weapons like optimism and priorities and friendship. Weapons like love. In cases like this, love can be the most powerful weapon of all. Love is like a grenade. Love is napalm. Wow, I never thought I'd utter that statement and mean it positively.. hm.

Baby steps, though. I'm not graduating tomorrow, after all. So while I wait for not-so-dooms day, I want to have noyv in smaller, newer ways.

I sense a hairstyle change coming on.

Tight Rope Walker

I have always had a secret admiration for people who are ballsy, people who aren't afraid to say exactly what they're thinking. Having that kind of courage positively blows me away because I've never really considered myself courageous in that sense. I mean, no, I don't lie to myself or make valiant efforts to hide things from others. But I've found that I usually will either preface things I say so that people don't take them the wrong way or else I apologize afterwards. I have serious issues it seems with just letting the people around me take what I say as they will.

Why is that?
What's holding me back?
Why be afraid of something dumb like that?

I don't think I'm alone in my constant struggle with wondering how people see me/what they really think about me. I keep waiting to grow out of that but it never really seems to happen. And what's worse is just the fact that I know that it's stupid and yet I continue living my life this way. I feel like there should be some kind of AA-esque type of meetings for crazies like me. "Hi, my name is Melanie and I'm obsessed with self-image."

Hi, Melanie...

I might sound vain saying that. I might sound conceded. But in saying THAT, it just proves my point even more. I don't want to come across as those things. That matters to me. Why? Why can't I just say it and not feel the need to justify it? Isn't that infuriating?? It is to me. I guess it just boils down to this...that's just part of who I am. I may care too much, but I care and that's the point. I care about what I say to people. I don't want to offend or hurt. I care about what I do. I don't want to slip into bad habits or hurt myself. I care about how I appear to others because I want to set a good example.

But as strongly as I feel about trying to be "good," I also want to be true. I want to be honest. Life in the every day is not always happy. I'm not always going to think of the glass as half full. I'm not always going to want to smile and laugh about it. Sometimes I'm going to want to scream and throw fits and cry and cuss and cuss and cuss some more! And that's not wrong. It's just honest. We all have days like that. So I gotta find a medium.

It's almost like a walking a long tight rope. In order to stay balanced, I have 1,001 things to consider: what others think, will feelings be hurt, will someone be offended by the truth, does my opinion count for much, should I just shut up, what do I think of myself, what will God think of me if I do/say this, is this right, is this wrong, does it even matter at all...

This will tag on to my previous post about New Year's resolutions. Here's a new one. And for me, it's kind of a biggie...

Live life unapologetically.

I still want to set some kind of a good example (1 Tim. 4:12). I still want to strive for excellence in what I say and do. I'm not the kind of Christian that wants perfection. I'm the kind of person who wants peace. I serve a God who loves, who forgives, and who yearns for a family who wants those things, too...deeply. So this year, I'm going to try really hard to stop prefacing. Stop apologizing. And just start living. Honestly. And happily.

There are folks out there who steal. There are people who kill. There are people who are addicts. There are people who lie and cheat. There are people who hate. And you can bet your bottom dollar they aren't worried about offending anyone else. They aren't saying, "I'm sorry" to the people they hurt in the process. It's a sad truth. I, in no way, want to take a step in THAT direction. Those people are headed toward darkness with their lack of sympathy. I want to head for the light.

Love unapologetically.
Forgive unapologetically.
Enjoy the good things unapologetically.
Learn and teach unapologetically.
Support unapologetically.
Comfort unapologetically.
Speak unapologetically, Melanie.

Set the example. Raise the bar. The only thing holding you back is you. God elevates. So let's lift each other up, too. Love does NOT mean never having to say your sorry. But love heals. Love provides. And that is such a blessing, it's almost...almost too good to be true.