Just Go With It

I have not blogged in quite a while. There are a few reasons for this. Two that particularly stand out in my mind: one, I've been busy (isn't that the excuse everybody has all the time?); and two, I haven't really had anything to write about. And when I say that I mean I haven't felt like anything that has happened in the past couple of months has been really "of note" so to speak. But things are slowly starting to change. Shift. Metamorph. Is that a word?

I've been a college graduate for almost 6 months now. It's very hard to believe. Sometimes, when I look at my life where it sits now, I feel a little weirded out. I have always been an over-achiever or, at the very least, an achiever. I've always tried my absolutely hardest to simply excel. I kept good grades. I was involved in extra-ciriculars. I was a student leader. It was right where I wanted to be as a student. It was where my family, friends, and mentors wanted me to be as well. And it was a glorious time. But that season has finally come to an end. The "student" chapter of my life is over. O-v-e-r. So after 19 years of being a fully-programmed student achiever, what do I do now that I have "achieved?"

Last January, I sat down with my theatre professor to discuss my future after graduation. He explained to me what to expect with a theatre job and such and I suddenly felt very panicked. I do this thing when I get very, very nervous where I get very quiet and my eyes tears up and I can't talk because of this giant lump that forms in my throat. Some might call this emotion "terror." I was afraid...afraid of the mere prospect of achieving what I had been working towards my entire life. Seeing this fear due to the fact that I can't hide my emotions even if I tried, my professor (and dear friend) asked me what was wrong. I told him very simply that I was beginning to realize that my whole world revolved around one thing and that I was so scared of both not being able to succeed and also succeeding. Nothing about that concept really made sense but it's just how I felt. If I don't succeed, what was it all for? If I do succeed, what more is there? I know I love what I do, but is there more to discover in life that what I had exposed myself to day-in and day-out for all those years? Was there more life to be ventured and ground to be broken outside the walls I had lovingly built for myself?

Of course there was. Of course there is.

I am a very blessed girl. My professor, my mentors, and even my own parents have all told me the same thing. "Melanie, just be happy. It doesn't matter what you're doing, so long as you are happy. The Lord will work things out the way He wants them no matter what, so what is there to worry about?" I am so thankful that last statement is the truest thing I've ever heard.

So here I am, about six months out of school, life seemingly at some kind of halt. But I look around a see blessings.

I have a job which I have actually grown to love. Not for the job itself necessarily but for the people I've met and befriended there. They really are great people and I know how lucky I am to have the job and the co-workers that I have.
I have a family who supports me, believes in me, and have the patience of saints. That is too much of a blessing to even put into words and I hope that no matter where I end up or what I'm doing that I make them proud.
The relationships I have with my school friends stand strong. Possibly even stronger than before. I know what counts in this life and true friends count in a big way. I hope that I stay friends with these people my whole life. They became my family in many ways. They're the siblings I never had and I love them dearly.
I have made friends and built new relationships with people outside of school friends. This was something I was very nervous about upon graduating. School friends were pretty much all I had ever had. New friends are amazing, especially the ones I've made.

But the most amazing lesson I've learned?

If you let go of yourself...
...your insecurities
...your fears
...your doubts
...your self-proclaimed patterns
...your plans
God will not only open wonderful doors and mind-blowing windows...
...but He'll knock down whole walls.

And you'll find happiness where you least expected it.
When you least expected it.
With whom you least expected it.

And God help you if you don't. just. go with it.

Now that's what I call blessed assurance.

I'll Stand By You

"Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you"

The Bird Ain't the Only Word

At our age, we think we know everything. I know I thought I knew everything as soon as I was old enough to talk. All I wanted was to be a grown-up so people would FINALLY start listening to me and taking what I say seriously because I KNEW what I was talking about. But the older I got, the more I realized that I not only didn't know everything, I really knew nothing.

It's like the old expression, "You know what happens when you assume." Going through life assuming you know what you're doing is not the right way to do things. I mean, I'm an actress. I hope to make a living someday by pretending to know what I'm doing. So sometimes my "work habits" slip into my personal life. And that ain't good. For nobody.

Sometimes when we are forging through life, things can get a little stressful. We come across obstacles that block our path or our light or our focus. It can be quite hard to sort through all the bad stuff and get to the good. But another part of our walk is helping others along to way. It's part of what we, as Christians, are commanded to do by God. Love one another. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Spread love everywhere, with all your heart in it. And granted, there are many different ways to love in this crazy world. But love...love is the most important thing we do. Love is the thing, you know.

To live is to love. I was thinking the other day about the phrase "live your life." What does that really mean? My first thought was traveling. For some reason, and don't ask me why (I know why--it's because I'm weird), when I think about "really living," I picture myself living in a gorgeous penthouse apartment in Venice, Italy. Streets made of water. Breathtaking architecture. Gourmet food. The works. Pure luxury & class. However, when I really stopped to think about my fantasy, I realized that happiness would only exist in Venice for me if I had someone (or many someones) there to enjoy it with me. People I loved.

LOVE IS THE THING.

Tying it back to what I was originally saying, when we think we know it all, we have tenancies to think we flat out know better. We know better than others and sometimes we feel we should let them know that. Sometimes this IS the case and we can help a brother or sister out of love. Other times, this is done simply to show off or out of spite or to rub someone's nose in whatever the case might be. This is not how you love. This is not a good life choice.

Everyone has at least one thing in common. We are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have moments when we are smart and we all have moments when we are complete idiots. The point is that it's okay! If we can humble ourselves to admit that we are not perfect, that we are only human and we need compassion and mercy and love just as much as the next person, that's a definite step in the "good life choice" direction if you ask me.

Brush off your scraped knee and lend a helping hand when your brother falls.

Love is the thing, you know.

Never Alone

After some research, I find I might be the last person on Earth to hear this song. But just in case I'm wrong, I hope this blesses your day like it blessed mine. Let this also be a reminder that I have not forgotten you, oh blog. Not by a long shot.

Chess, Nobody's Side

What's going on around me
Is barely making sense
I need some explanations fast
I see my present partner
In the imperfect tense
And I don't see how we can last
I feel I need a change of cast
Maybe I'm on nobody's side.

And when he gives me reasons
To justify each move
They're getting harder to believe
I know this can't continue
I've still a lot to prove
There must be more I could achieve
But I don't have the nerve to leave.

Everybody's playing the game
But nobody's rules are the same
Nobody's on nobody's side
Better learn to go it alone
Recognize you're out on your own
Nobody's on nobody's side.

The one I should not think of
Keeps rolling through my mind
And I don't want to let that go
No lover's ever faithful
No contract truly signed
There's nothing certain left to know
And how the cracks begin to show!

Never make a promise or plan
Take a little love where you can
Nobody's on nobody's side

Never stay too long in your bed
Never lose your heart, use your head
Nobody's on nobody's side.

Never take a stranger's advice
Never let a friend fool you twice
Nobody's on nobody's side

Never be the first to believe
Never be the last to deceive
Nobody's on nobody's side

And never leave a moment too soon
Never waste a hot afternoon
Nobody's on nobody's side

Never stay a minute too long
Don't forget the best will go wrong
Nobody's on nobody's side.

Better learn to go it alone
Recognize you're out on your own
Nobody's on nobody's side.

Pomp & Circumstance

pomp - noun \ˈpämp\ 1 : a show of magnificence
cir·cum·stance - noun \ˈsər-kəm-ˌstan(t)s, -stən(t)s\ 1a : a condition, fact, or event accompanying, conditioning, or determining another

A week ago today, I graduated from college.
A week ago today, I received my Bachelor of Arts Degree.
Fine Arts. Theatre & Film Studies.
A week ago today, I officially became an adult.

I can now say that I am a college graduate. No more papers, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks. But good Lord, how I will miss them. The above picture is of me, my fellow graduating theatre majors, and our two theatre professors. In short, those are four of my favorite and most beloved people in the world. In the four much-too-short years we spent together, we became more than co-workers, more than friends. We became a family. And that experience is one I will treasure forever.

Now I'm back home. I have yet to conquer the world in the week I've been an educated woman. But baby steps are still steps.

I have applied for several jobs here in Knoxville.
I was accepted to write for a local website, freelance with [minimal] pay.
I'm headed to Florida next week for an audition.

I have learned lots of things in college. One of the most important lessons I learned and am still learning is patience. Patience is far more than a virtue. It's a necessity of life and one can scarcely survive without it. I intend to shovel patience under my belt in spades.

A wise person I know reminded me of another one of life's important lessons the other day... "Do what you love. The rest will fall into place." How true and hopeful that statement is. As an artist, I really would rather be poor and content than financially sound and miserable. That's just not the kind of life I want. Of course being destitute isn't ideal but neither is settling.

Never settle.
Have patience.
Do what you love.
Have hope.

May all of our pomp determine our circumstance.

The best of times is now. As for tomorrow, well, who knows?

The Secret Garden, Hold On

What you've got to do is
Finish what you have begun,
I don't know just how,
But it's not over 'til you've won!

When you see the storm is coming,
See the lightning part the skies,
It's too late to run-
There's terror in your eyes!
What you do then is remember
This old thing you heard me say:
"It's the storm, not you,
That's bound to blow away."

Hold on,
Hold on to someone standing by.
Hold on.
Don't even ask how long or why!
Child, hold on to what you know is true,
Hold on 'til you get through.
Child, oh child!
Hold on!

When you feel your heart is poundin',
Fear a devil's at your door.
There's no place to hide-
You're frozen to the floor!
What you do then is you force yourself
To wake up, and you say:
"It's this dream, not me,
that's bound to go away."

Hold on,
Hold on, the night will soon be by.
Hold on,
Until there's nothing left to try.
Child, hold on, There's angels on their way!
Hold on and hear them say,
"Child, oh child!"

And it doesn't even matter
If the danger and the doom
Come from up above or down below,
Or just come flying
At you from across the room!

When you see a man who's raging,
And he's jealous and he fears
That you've walked through walls
He's hid behind for years.
What you do then is you tell yourself to wait it out
And say it's this day, not me,
That's bound to go away.

Child, oh hold on.
It's this day, not you,
That's bound to go away!