The Bird Ain't the Only Word

At our age, we think we know everything. I know I thought I knew everything as soon as I was old enough to talk. All I wanted was to be a grown-up so people would FINALLY start listening to me and taking what I say seriously because I KNEW what I was talking about. But the older I got, the more I realized that I not only didn't know everything, I really knew nothing.

It's like the old expression, "You know what happens when you assume." Going through life assuming you know what you're doing is not the right way to do things. I mean, I'm an actress. I hope to make a living someday by pretending to know what I'm doing. So sometimes my "work habits" slip into my personal life. And that ain't good. For nobody.

Sometimes when we are forging through life, things can get a little stressful. We come across obstacles that block our path or our light or our focus. It can be quite hard to sort through all the bad stuff and get to the good. But another part of our walk is helping others along to way. It's part of what we, as Christians, are commanded to do by God. Love one another. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Spread love everywhere, with all your heart in it. And granted, there are many different ways to love in this crazy world. But love...love is the most important thing we do. Love is the thing, you know.

To live is to love. I was thinking the other day about the phrase "live your life." What does that really mean? My first thought was traveling. For some reason, and don't ask me why (I know why--it's because I'm weird), when I think about "really living," I picture myself living in a gorgeous penthouse apartment in Venice, Italy. Streets made of water. Breathtaking architecture. Gourmet food. The works. Pure luxury & class. However, when I really stopped to think about my fantasy, I realized that happiness would only exist in Venice for me if I had someone (or many someones) there to enjoy it with me. People I loved.

LOVE IS THE THING.

Tying it back to what I was originally saying, when we think we know it all, we have tenancies to think we flat out know better. We know better than others and sometimes we feel we should let them know that. Sometimes this IS the case and we can help a brother or sister out of love. Other times, this is done simply to show off or out of spite or to rub someone's nose in whatever the case might be. This is not how you love. This is not a good life choice.

Everyone has at least one thing in common. We are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have moments when we are smart and we all have moments when we are complete idiots. The point is that it's okay! If we can humble ourselves to admit that we are not perfect, that we are only human and we need compassion and mercy and love just as much as the next person, that's a definite step in the "good life choice" direction if you ask me.

Brush off your scraped knee and lend a helping hand when your brother falls.

Love is the thing, you know.

Never Alone

After some research, I find I might be the last person on Earth to hear this song. But just in case I'm wrong, I hope this blesses your day like it blessed mine. Let this also be a reminder that I have not forgotten you, oh blog. Not by a long shot.

Chess, Nobody's Side

What's going on around me
Is barely making sense
I need some explanations fast
I see my present partner
In the imperfect tense
And I don't see how we can last
I feel I need a change of cast
Maybe I'm on nobody's side.

And when he gives me reasons
To justify each move
They're getting harder to believe
I know this can't continue
I've still a lot to prove
There must be more I could achieve
But I don't have the nerve to leave.

Everybody's playing the game
But nobody's rules are the same
Nobody's on nobody's side
Better learn to go it alone
Recognize you're out on your own
Nobody's on nobody's side.

The one I should not think of
Keeps rolling through my mind
And I don't want to let that go
No lover's ever faithful
No contract truly signed
There's nothing certain left to know
And how the cracks begin to show!

Never make a promise or plan
Take a little love where you can
Nobody's on nobody's side

Never stay too long in your bed
Never lose your heart, use your head
Nobody's on nobody's side.

Never take a stranger's advice
Never let a friend fool you twice
Nobody's on nobody's side

Never be the first to believe
Never be the last to deceive
Nobody's on nobody's side

And never leave a moment too soon
Never waste a hot afternoon
Nobody's on nobody's side

Never stay a minute too long
Don't forget the best will go wrong
Nobody's on nobody's side.

Better learn to go it alone
Recognize you're out on your own
Nobody's on nobody's side.

Pomp & Circumstance

pomp - noun \ˈpämp\ 1 : a show of magnificence
cir·cum·stance - noun \ˈsər-kəm-ˌstan(t)s, -stən(t)s\ 1a : a condition, fact, or event accompanying, conditioning, or determining another

A week ago today, I graduated from college.
A week ago today, I received my Bachelor of Arts Degree.
Fine Arts. Theatre & Film Studies.
A week ago today, I officially became an adult.

I can now say that I am a college graduate. No more papers, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks. But good Lord, how I will miss them. The above picture is of me, my fellow graduating theatre majors, and our two theatre professors. In short, those are four of my favorite and most beloved people in the world. In the four much-too-short years we spent together, we became more than co-workers, more than friends. We became a family. And that experience is one I will treasure forever.

Now I'm back home. I have yet to conquer the world in the week I've been an educated woman. But baby steps are still steps.

I have applied for several jobs here in Knoxville.
I was accepted to write for a local website, freelance with [minimal] pay.
I'm headed to Florida next week for an audition.

I have learned lots of things in college. One of the most important lessons I learned and am still learning is patience. Patience is far more than a virtue. It's a necessity of life and one can scarcely survive without it. I intend to shovel patience under my belt in spades.

A wise person I know reminded me of another one of life's important lessons the other day... "Do what you love. The rest will fall into place." How true and hopeful that statement is. As an artist, I really would rather be poor and content than financially sound and miserable. That's just not the kind of life I want. Of course being destitute isn't ideal but neither is settling.

Never settle.
Have patience.
Do what you love.
Have hope.

May all of our pomp determine our circumstance.

The best of times is now. As for tomorrow, well, who knows?

The Secret Garden, Hold On

What you've got to do is
Finish what you have begun,
I don't know just how,
But it's not over 'til you've won!

When you see the storm is coming,
See the lightning part the skies,
It's too late to run-
There's terror in your eyes!
What you do then is remember
This old thing you heard me say:
"It's the storm, not you,
That's bound to blow away."

Hold on,
Hold on to someone standing by.
Hold on.
Don't even ask how long or why!
Child, hold on to what you know is true,
Hold on 'til you get through.
Child, oh child!
Hold on!

When you feel your heart is poundin',
Fear a devil's at your door.
There's no place to hide-
You're frozen to the floor!
What you do then is you force yourself
To wake up, and you say:
"It's this dream, not me,
that's bound to go away."

Hold on,
Hold on, the night will soon be by.
Hold on,
Until there's nothing left to try.
Child, hold on, There's angels on their way!
Hold on and hear them say,
"Child, oh child!"

And it doesn't even matter
If the danger and the doom
Come from up above or down below,
Or just come flying
At you from across the room!

When you see a man who's raging,
And he's jealous and he fears
That you've walked through walls
He's hid behind for years.
What you do then is you tell yourself to wait it out
And say it's this day, not me,
That's bound to go away.

Child, oh hold on.
It's this day, not you,
That's bound to go away!

As You Like It

As You Like It is certainly not one of my favorite plays by Shakespeare. Too many silly plot twists and complicated characters and story lines. But the paradox of the play's complexity is that the play is classified as "pastoral." A pastoral story is one that is set in the country among folk like farmers and shepherds, surrounded by vast, rolling fields, deep forests, and livestock among all the animals nature offers. In other words, the pastoral life is the simple life. Hence the paradox; a pastoral (simple) story of great complexity.

Over the past couple of days, I have been home for Easter weekend. It's always nice to come home. This trip is particularly unique, however. This is the last school break I will ever have. The next time I come home, I will be coming home as a college graduate. This summer will not be summer vacation. It will just be summer. This weekend is my last school break ever. And that is a tough pill to swallow.

When you approach an end, you start thinking about the beginning. I'm about to turn the page to a whole new chapter of my life. So lately I've been thinking about the things I love and wanted when I was a child. And what I loved I think more than anything as I child was the outdoors. Now I know that all little kids love to play outside. That's nothing out of the ordinary. But still, I loved it. I have such fond memories of going on all these elaborate adventures when I was a little kid. Just me and Sky Puppy, my dog, at my side. The house I grew up in was a log cabin right on the edge of the woods. We lived in the county, away from the noise and bustle of the city (and let me tell you, Elizabethton offered a great amount of both noise and bustle...except not really). Anyway, Sky and I would go outside on a sunny evening and just explore. We would find hidden glens, new lookout points to spy on the neighbors, and all sorts of private places where I could just sit and think or sing or dance or do whatever it is that little kids do when they're alone. The point was that I always felt free. I felt adventurous. I felt alive.

Luckily, as I got older I found life in new things like music, theatre, and school. I found life in the new adventures I found in those facets and with the new friends I made from them. But I've always thought back on my simpler days, lying on the grass with Sky Puppy, dreaming about being a grown up lady. Falling in love. Getting married. Being intelligent. Being happy.

Sometimes I still feel like that little girl. And sometimes, even at the same time, she seems so very far away.

It may also be worth mentioning how obsessed I was with Pocahontas. I had Pocahontas everything. Posters, dolls, bad spreads, sheets, curtains. Everything. I was fascinated with her. Perhaps it was because she was beautiful and courageous and did cool things like swam in her clothes and dove off waterfalls and had friends that were raccoons and hummingbirds. Or maybe it was because she was a real person. She lived. She was an inspiration to generations, not just to me. But I think the reason I loved Pocahontas so much was because she was free.

"She goes wherever the wind takes her."

I think that one does not find adventure. Adventure has to find you. Like it found Pocahontas. Like it found every great hero or heroine we read about in books or watch in movies. As a child, you create your own adventures by playing make-believe. As an adult, you are far more vulnerable. You must willingly submit yourself to letting the wind blow you wherever it beckons. The wind which the Lord himself blows. Who knew that we, as children, had a much firmer grasp on our dreams than we do as adults? Why is that? Because now we know our limits? We are aware of consequences? We have all tasted defeat and we fear it with our whole hearts?

Standing on the brink, I remember my childhood pastoral retreat. Watching the clouds go by. Listening to a babbling stream. Listening to the birds and crickets chirp. A car passes only now and then. The leaves rustle on their branches as a night breeze blows in. Peaceful. Still. Calm. That is my happy place. That's how I like it.

Life will be as you like it. But only if you go where the wind takes you.

Barbie Girl

Like most little girls, I was obsessed with Barbie Dolls. I had at least one hundred Barbies that I played with on a fairly regular basis as a child. Only one Ken Doll though (he was a happy, happy Ken). Some of these dolls were what my mother deemed "collectibles." These were, obviously, the ones that she wouldn't let me play with. They had to stay in the box, package sealed. "Because they would be worth a lot of money someday." I really owe Barbie a lot of credit to my decision to become an actress. Not only did Barbie look pretty, but she did EVERYTHING. I mean, just check out this list of all the stuff she has done (and is still continuing to do to this day!)

List of Barbie's Careers

Barbie is superwoman. She does it all. With a smile that says "life is good," Barbie is the personification of what most little girls, including me, always wanted life to be. For me, instead of pursuing one of her many fields of profession, I wanted to do it all. Why be qualified to do one job well when you can look like you do many jobs well. Hence my love for acting began to grow.

Now here I am, twenty-two years old, a senior in college with less than a month until graduation...and I don't feel qualified to do jack squat.

I wish there was even one thing I could do exceedingly well in. Like if I was excellent at teaching or being a physician of some kind or practicing law or playing a sport or even something mundane like accounting (no offense if you're an accountant). I just wish that I was so good at something that people would refer others to me. Like..oh you need this done? Well you gotta go to Melanie. She's the best. I guess that's what everyone craves, right? Excellence and reputation. I mean, if you're going to spend your life doing something, you might as well be the best.

I like to think I'm good at what I do. But what I do is acting. I stand on a stage, recite lines that someone else wrote, perform action as someone else directs me to do, and pretend like I'm someone else. I lose myself in doing that. It's my passion. It's what I love. But how much of that is really...me? How much of it comes from the rawness of Melanie? And how much of it comes from being spoon fed by others?

I guess it's just part of becoming an adult. I suppose I'll find out more about myself in the coming year than I ever have before. I won't be in school anymore. I won't be relying on my parents (for the most part) anymore. I won't have school or family to crutch my way through my life anymore. In a way, I'm really excited about the prospect of independence. I've always hated having to "be the kid." I want to be an adult, through and through. Maintaining a firm control over my life, I want to be responsible and show the world that, yes, I can do this. And I can do this well.

But do what well? Wait tables? Answer phones? Flip burgers? Would you like fries with that? Praying for tips so I can pay to have that pesky leak in my cardboard box home taken care of? What the heck am I qualified to do?

You can't get a job without work experience. I've dedicated my life to my schooling. I haven't worked that much at all. I feel like I'm way behind in life already and I'm just now at the starting gate. It's not a good feeling at all.

Food expenses, gas expenses, insurance, taxes, cell phone bill, utilities, rent. You can't get an apartment without proof of income but where do you start applying for jobs if you are unsure of where you're going to live?

Graduate college and life will fall into place. Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.
Trust in the Lord, and He will make your path straight. Truth, truth, truth, truth, truth.

I don't know where I'm headed. I don't feel ready or qualified. I'm scared. But even though I don't know where this crazy caravan of life is taking me, it's nice to know who's behind the wheel. With that comfort, I feel like I could be a ballerina or an astronaut, or a cowgirl or a princess or even a business woman (did I redeem myself accountants?). I could be a Barbie Girl. An accessible one. Not a collectible. You'll go no where in life if you never leave your box, no matter how much you're "worth."

You're always in the right place at the right time. Use that faith to your advantage.

Imagination, that is your creation.