There was some great music to come out of the 1970s. I was coming back to school yesterday and I had my Sirius/XM set to 70s on 7. For almost two full hours I jammed out to Classics from The Eagles, Skynard, Sir Elton, and others. And I must say, it was marvelous. I also had my grandparents in the car with me so that just added to the win, I think... Yeah, in some weird way it adds to the win.
So I went home this weekend for the first time since Christmas break. I got really busy at school with Little Women and never could find a weekend to get home (I really didn't have this weekend free either considering I had a chorale performance at 7 freaking AM this morning). But dammit, I got myself home this weekend and even though I only stayed about 25 hours, it was a nice visit. I probably won't get to go back again until Easter. I was discussing this with my roommates last night. This semester is quickly speeding past my eyes and it's going to be over before I know it.
This coming week, some friends and I are going down to Folly Beach, SC for Spring Break. Then two weekends after that, I'm going up to New York for a long weekend. Then Easter. Then my mom's 50th birthday. Then the spring production (which thank heaven I am not involved in). Then my good friend Hannah's wedding. Then the One Act Festival (for which I'll be directing a play). Then the following week is finals.
Ho...ly...crap.
I'll have a few weeks off in May to relax before starting summer classes on the first of June. Class all June. Second session starts July 1. Class all July. A week or so off in August and then bam.
I'll be a college senior. How the hell did that happen?
They say that life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. I feel like I am at a stand still, personally, but life is moving rapidly all around me. My best friend will be going out to L.A. next spring. My other best friend is graduating in December. My youth pastor is looking for a new job so he'll be moving churches. A good friend of mine is thinking about studying in Australia. People I know who are graduating this May are in all kinds of talks of applying to law schools, graduate schools, moving away, getting jobs, (in some cases) getting married, and starting a real life. And all this freaks me out so much.
Of course I am so happy for all those people in my life who are moving forward. I guess I'm just afraid of getting left behind. I have so many dreams for myself but I just don't quite know how to reach them or if I'm even good enough. I'm never the best at anything I do. I'm always just somewhere in the middle. And everyone is way too polite. I just want to find something that I could do with gusto and people will say, "Wow, she was born to do this." And I'll feel that way, too. It also wouldn't hurt if I found someONE to go along with this whole dream scenario. My goodness. Loneliness sucks ass. If I could find someone who loves me for just being me, no bells or whistles, just simple romance, that would be lovely. Of course it's never that simple is it? Nothing ever is. At least the things worth achieving never are.
So I'm willing to fight. I'm willing to fight for my life. I want it all. I want to be the best. I want to fly. I want to be an astronaut, a cowgirl, a gameshow host. I want to be a movie star. I want to marry my best friend. I want kids who are cooler than our neighbors' kids. I want to prove myself as a human being. I want to be a "Mensch."
Please pray for me. I need to find my wings.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Waffles can cure anything.
I had an interesting conversation with one of my good friends tonight. I asked him if he would mind if I posted a bit of what he said on my blog and he gave me his permission. I found this story of his so inspiring. I probably won't match exactly what he said or how he said it, but I'll try the best I can.
"It was something like the day after she told me that she didn't want to talk to me or see me anymore and I was furious. I was cursing and blaming God and ranting. I was chatting online with one of my friends and going off and suddenly stopped and shouted, 'I'm gonna go pray!' which was ironic considering that I had just cursed God just moments before. My friend said, 'Alright!' So I thought, I don't want to pray here. It's a stupid dorm room with cinder block walls...stupid...and it's too late to go anywhere because it was like 9:30 by then. So I just said, 'I'm gonna go pray on a mountain!'
So I hiked up to that mountain where the crosses are. I didn't bring a flashlight but I did have my backpack and laptop in case I wanted to journal or something when I got up there. And the sky was perfectly clear. There wasn't a cloud in sight. I could see the sky so well. So I sat up there on the hill for a while and I just kept thinking about things. So I turned my back on the city lights and...I started to cry. And I am not kidding you. The exact same moment that I started crying...it started raining. The sky had been so clear just a couple of minutes before! That's how I got up the path without a flashlight. I didn't need one because the moon was so bright. Then all of a sudden a storm blew in. It was the most bizarre thing."
When our hearts are breaking, God's heart breaks. He feels what we feel. He hurts with us. But that's not to say He is weak. No. He is a strong tower. He is a mighty fortress. A tear for us is a storm for God. Doesn't that say something about how much He loves us? He loves us so much that He weeps with us; He goes out of his way to reach His hand to us who need someone? You may not be crying out for God, but God is crying out for you.
"It was something like the day after she told me that she didn't want to talk to me or see me anymore and I was furious. I was cursing and blaming God and ranting. I was chatting online with one of my friends and going off and suddenly stopped and shouted, 'I'm gonna go pray!' which was ironic considering that I had just cursed God just moments before. My friend said, 'Alright!' So I thought, I don't want to pray here. It's a stupid dorm room with cinder block walls...stupid...and it's too late to go anywhere because it was like 9:30 by then. So I just said, 'I'm gonna go pray on a mountain!'
So I hiked up to that mountain where the crosses are. I didn't bring a flashlight but I did have my backpack and laptop in case I wanted to journal or something when I got up there. And the sky was perfectly clear. There wasn't a cloud in sight. I could see the sky so well. So I sat up there on the hill for a while and I just kept thinking about things. So I turned my back on the city lights and...I started to cry. And I am not kidding you. The exact same moment that I started crying...it started raining. The sky had been so clear just a couple of minutes before! That's how I got up the path without a flashlight. I didn't need one because the moon was so bright. Then all of a sudden a storm blew in. It was the most bizarre thing."
When our hearts are breaking, God's heart breaks. He feels what we feel. He hurts with us. But that's not to say He is weak. No. He is a strong tower. He is a mighty fortress. A tear for us is a storm for God. Doesn't that say something about how much He loves us? He loves us so much that He weeps with us; He goes out of his way to reach His hand to us who need someone? You may not be crying out for God, but God is crying out for you.
Monday, February 22, 2010
What does it say? ...It says we grow up too fast.
"Let's pretend we're riding on a kite
Let's imagine we're flying through the air
We'll ascend until we're out of sight
Light as paper, we'll soar
Let's be wild, up high above the sand
Feel the wind, the world at our command
Let's enjoy the view and never land
Floating far from the shore
Some things are meant to be,
The clouds moving fast and free
The sun on a silver sea
A sky that's bright and blue
And some things will never end
The thrill of our magic ride
The love that I feel inside for you
We'll climb high beyond the break of day
Sleep on stardust and dine on bits of moon
You and I will find the milky way
We'll be mad and explore
We'll recline, aloft upon the breeze
Dart about, sail on with windy ease
Pass the days doing only as we please
That's what living is for
Some things are meant to be,
The tide turning endlessly
The way it takes hold of me
No matter what I do
But some things will never die
The promise of who you are
Your memories when I am far from you
All my life, I've lived for loving you
Let me go now..."
Little Women the Musical, February 2010. Thank you, God, for the blessing of being a part of something truly amazing. This show reached so many people and touched their hearts. It was an honor to live as Beth March even if it was only for a while. I loved her and I loved her world. I hope I carry a piece of her with me always, the way the other characters do. I can't explain how deeply moved I was by this show and I will cherish those memories for the rest of my life.
The four March sisters forever. Forever.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Clash of the Titans
There's this weird thing happening in my life right now where I feel like my past and my future are colliding randomly into my present...and I don't know quite what to do about it. I can't decided whether it's a good thing or a scary thing or a crazy thing or a necessary thing or a God thing or a thing that I have yet to even comprehend.
Sometimes it's strange to look back at the past. There are memories that range from instant roaring laughter to instant tears. It's amazing how vivid the mind can be when it comes to remembering stuff. They say that life is made up by a series of moments that change the course of our lives; whether it's deciding what to eat for lunch or deciding who to marry; it's all relevant to how our lives are shaped. So why do we ever look back? What good does it do us? Is it completely unhealthy or is it perhaps the healthiest thing we humans can possibly do?
The past is full of ghosts. Ghosts of failures, ghosts of friends, ghosts of family, ghosts of good things gone wrong. Why is it that the bad memories are always the ones we can remember the best? That just...sucks. I don't want to remember the time that my mom and I almost died in that car accident. I don't want to remember the time I broke my arm and couldn't go swimming all summer. I don't want to remember the time that my parents were fighting and the word "divorce" was hovering in the air. I wish that life had an instruction manual sometimes. There should be a chapter called "Ghostbusters: How to Tame those Awful Memories." God, that would be amazing. But unfortunately, no such book exists. Life has no rules. Anything can happen. Anything can linger.
I think about good things, too. I'm not some emo kid (though sometimes I think that life might just be easier that way, not gonna lie). I remember my first kiss. I remember my first "starring role" in a church play. I remember being baptized. I remember winning second in the state with my high school marching band my senior year. These kinds of memories I treasure very dearly and hold them so close to my heart. There are some memories that make me laugh so hard. Like the time my group of friends got the cops called on us at McDonalds at 1 AM, the time I slipped and fell in a mud puddle right in front of my boyfriend in 6th grade, or the time one of my good friends (who is a little short) tried to jump up on my lofted bed and fell off. I sometimes forget to count my blessings. I lead a pretty happy life.
And then my future. I was telling my friends the other day that I feel like God is about to open a lot of doors in my life. I don't know why. I just have this feeling. I don't know what is about to happen but I know that I am dying to find out (I might be eating those words later but we'll see). I'm in the second semester of my junior year. I have two more semesters of college after this and then I'm done. Yikes.
So with my memories of my past plaguing me and begging for my attention, and with my future knocking at the door, what's a girl to do? Are you there God? It's me, Melanie. WTF?
Sometimes it's strange to look back at the past. There are memories that range from instant roaring laughter to instant tears. It's amazing how vivid the mind can be when it comes to remembering stuff. They say that life is made up by a series of moments that change the course of our lives; whether it's deciding what to eat for lunch or deciding who to marry; it's all relevant to how our lives are shaped. So why do we ever look back? What good does it do us? Is it completely unhealthy or is it perhaps the healthiest thing we humans can possibly do?
The past is full of ghosts. Ghosts of failures, ghosts of friends, ghosts of family, ghosts of good things gone wrong. Why is it that the bad memories are always the ones we can remember the best? That just...sucks. I don't want to remember the time that my mom and I almost died in that car accident. I don't want to remember the time I broke my arm and couldn't go swimming all summer. I don't want to remember the time that my parents were fighting and the word "divorce" was hovering in the air. I wish that life had an instruction manual sometimes. There should be a chapter called "Ghostbusters: How to Tame those Awful Memories." God, that would be amazing. But unfortunately, no such book exists. Life has no rules. Anything can happen. Anything can linger.
I think about good things, too. I'm not some emo kid (though sometimes I think that life might just be easier that way, not gonna lie). I remember my first kiss. I remember my first "starring role" in a church play. I remember being baptized. I remember winning second in the state with my high school marching band my senior year. These kinds of memories I treasure very dearly and hold them so close to my heart. There are some memories that make me laugh so hard. Like the time my group of friends got the cops called on us at McDonalds at 1 AM, the time I slipped and fell in a mud puddle right in front of my boyfriend in 6th grade, or the time one of my good friends (who is a little short) tried to jump up on my lofted bed and fell off. I sometimes forget to count my blessings. I lead a pretty happy life.
And then my future. I was telling my friends the other day that I feel like God is about to open a lot of doors in my life. I don't know why. I just have this feeling. I don't know what is about to happen but I know that I am dying to find out (I might be eating those words later but we'll see). I'm in the second semester of my junior year. I have two more semesters of college after this and then I'm done. Yikes.
So with my memories of my past plaguing me and begging for my attention, and with my future knocking at the door, what's a girl to do? Are you there God? It's me, Melanie. WTF?
Sunday, February 14, 2010
What is love? Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more.
...Sigh...You just don't get lyrics like that anymore...
The other night in the car, my roommates and I were jamming out to this song like old times; let's face it, that song kicks ass. Then today, I saw the same phrase, "What is love?", written on a sheet of paper in my roommate's room. So now it's really got me thinking... What is love?
I've heard it all my life... GOD IS LOVE. Yes. Yes, he is love. And God's love is eternal. It's one of the few constants in my life. God's love is around me all the time. I can always rely on it being there and never failing. His faith in me is so unbelievable it sometimes overwhelms me. I am not deserving of that kind of love. So that leads me to my next qualm: Am I deserving of human love?
What is human love? (Baby, don't hurt me)
I haven't had the greatest luck in the world when it comes to love. I've had failed relationships with boys, guys, and even some men believe it or not. I've had failed friendships with guys and girls. Even family relationships have been rocky with me in the past. So what qualifies me to be deserving of love from another (any other) human being? What do I have to show for myself? I sometimes feel like such a hypocrite. I give people advice all the time and I can't even keep my own personal relationships afloat. Who am I to tell any other living soul on this planet what to do. I'm an idiot when it comes to love. But I do know this...
I am filled with love. I love my God. So much. That much is obvious. I love my family. God knows they bug me so freaking much sometimes but I would be totally lost without them. They are the rocks on which I've built my life, my hobbies, my education, my talents, my friendships, everything. I love my friends. These are the tricky ones. I truly believe that it's a rare thing to have friends that you truly love. I'm lucky enough to have quite a few of them. These are people that not only have I willingly let into my life but have also let me into theirs. And when we entered each others' lives, we somehow miraculously found our way into each others' hearts. That's the cheesiest line ever. But truth is painted all over it.
So now my question is...why would my heart be so filled with love that I have for all these elements of my life, all these people, if I wasn't meant to be loved in return? "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
I'm no stranger to heartbreak. I've been hurt. But I am not afraid. Love is something worth fighting for, worth giving chance after chance after chance. Life is too short. And now I find myself smitten with someone. And I'm scared to death. Answers? Anyone? ...Anyone?
What is right? What is wrong? Give me a sign...what is love?
John 3:16
The other night in the car, my roommates and I were jamming out to this song like old times; let's face it, that song kicks ass. Then today, I saw the same phrase, "What is love?", written on a sheet of paper in my roommate's room. So now it's really got me thinking... What is love?
I've heard it all my life... GOD IS LOVE. Yes. Yes, he is love. And God's love is eternal. It's one of the few constants in my life. God's love is around me all the time. I can always rely on it being there and never failing. His faith in me is so unbelievable it sometimes overwhelms me. I am not deserving of that kind of love. So that leads me to my next qualm: Am I deserving of human love?
What is human love? (Baby, don't hurt me)
I haven't had the greatest luck in the world when it comes to love. I've had failed relationships with boys, guys, and even some men believe it or not. I've had failed friendships with guys and girls. Even family relationships have been rocky with me in the past. So what qualifies me to be deserving of love from another (any other) human being? What do I have to show for myself? I sometimes feel like such a hypocrite. I give people advice all the time and I can't even keep my own personal relationships afloat. Who am I to tell any other living soul on this planet what to do. I'm an idiot when it comes to love. But I do know this...
I am filled with love. I love my God. So much. That much is obvious. I love my family. God knows they bug me so freaking much sometimes but I would be totally lost without them. They are the rocks on which I've built my life, my hobbies, my education, my talents, my friendships, everything. I love my friends. These are the tricky ones. I truly believe that it's a rare thing to have friends that you truly love. I'm lucky enough to have quite a few of them. These are people that not only have I willingly let into my life but have also let me into theirs. And when we entered each others' lives, we somehow miraculously found our way into each others' hearts. That's the cheesiest line ever. But truth is painted all over it.
So now my question is...why would my heart be so filled with love that I have for all these elements of my life, all these people, if I wasn't meant to be loved in return? "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
I'm no stranger to heartbreak. I've been hurt. But I am not afraid. Love is something worth fighting for, worth giving chance after chance after chance. Life is too short. And now I find myself smitten with someone. And I'm scared to death. Answers? Anyone? ...Anyone?
What is right? What is wrong? Give me a sign...what is love?
John 3:16
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
And so it begins...
This is my very first blog entry. It's also my 21st birthday.
I'm thinking about ditching my Facebook and just going with this. This should be great. I can get on here, talk about whatever I want and not worry a thing about it. I worry far too much and this seems like a good solution. I really don't even care if anyone reads this. It's for me, my birthday present to myself. So since this is my first post, I'll give a little snapshot of who I am as of turning 21...
Well, obviously, I am 21 years old. And a girl...woman. I am a junior in college studying theatre and film. Those two subjects are the loves of my life. Going along with that thought, I am single. Today at least. I am a Christian. Jesus Christ is my Savior and that's the way it's going to stay. I am a sinner. Not perfect by any means. Flawed to the max but I'm working on it. I have brown hair and brown eyes and I'm comfortable with the way I look but I'm insecure about a lot of other things about myself. Despite this, I try my hardest to see the glass as half full always. It's one of those things where I feel like God can use me in other people's lives to be uplifting and encouraging. Granted, I don't always do a very good job. I have a stubborn pessimistic streak a mile long. I just take life one day at a time and try to make the best out of it. I live with three other girls and they are my three best friends. They're really more like the three sisters I never had and I love them dearly. Yes, I am an only child. No, I don't consider myself spoiled. I love my parents and they are the two most important people in my life. I'm close to my family and try to be close to my friends. If I could have my way, I would be friends with pretty much everyone I've ever met in my life but nothing is ever that simple. Generally, I'm a happy person. Generally, I have too much on my plate. Generally, when you ask me how I am and I say I'm doing good, I'm telling you the truth.
Oh, and I have a deep love for my three pets, Sky Puppy, Zebo, and Ringo Starr. That's probably worth mentioning, I don't know.
I love to write. I would really like to be a professional writer someday, writing about movies and theatre from a critical point of view. I'm getting my first chance of that sort this semester and so far, it's been great.
Is that enough about me?
I'll probably update this thing on a pretty regular basis, I can see myself doing that.
I'm thinking about ditching my Facebook and just going with this. This should be great. I can get on here, talk about whatever I want and not worry a thing about it. I worry far too much and this seems like a good solution. I really don't even care if anyone reads this. It's for me, my birthday present to myself. So since this is my first post, I'll give a little snapshot of who I am as of turning 21...
Well, obviously, I am 21 years old. And a girl...woman. I am a junior in college studying theatre and film. Those two subjects are the loves of my life. Going along with that thought, I am single. Today at least. I am a Christian. Jesus Christ is my Savior and that's the way it's going to stay. I am a sinner. Not perfect by any means. Flawed to the max but I'm working on it. I have brown hair and brown eyes and I'm comfortable with the way I look but I'm insecure about a lot of other things about myself. Despite this, I try my hardest to see the glass as half full always. It's one of those things where I feel like God can use me in other people's lives to be uplifting and encouraging. Granted, I don't always do a very good job. I have a stubborn pessimistic streak a mile long. I just take life one day at a time and try to make the best out of it. I live with three other girls and they are my three best friends. They're really more like the three sisters I never had and I love them dearly. Yes, I am an only child. No, I don't consider myself spoiled. I love my parents and they are the two most important people in my life. I'm close to my family and try to be close to my friends. If I could have my way, I would be friends with pretty much everyone I've ever met in my life but nothing is ever that simple. Generally, I'm a happy person. Generally, I have too much on my plate. Generally, when you ask me how I am and I say I'm doing good, I'm telling you the truth.
Oh, and I have a deep love for my three pets, Sky Puppy, Zebo, and Ringo Starr. That's probably worth mentioning, I don't know.
I love to write. I would really like to be a professional writer someday, writing about movies and theatre from a critical point of view. I'm getting my first chance of that sort this semester and so far, it's been great.
Is that enough about me?
I'll probably update this thing on a pretty regular basis, I can see myself doing that.
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