Me vs. Nicole Kidman

You guys. I finally did it. I finally did what I have said I have wanted to do, what I have dreamed of doing for the past 2 years. I moved myself all the way down to the beautiful city of Charleston, South Carolina. I look around at the bare walls of my new apartment right now and think to myself how unreal it all seems. What I "resolved" to do almost a year and a half ago has finally been "resolved" so to speak; I have my own rooms, my own water in the pipes, my own food in the fridge, my own view from my own windows. This is all something that I have dreamed of for so long. And now it is all a reality.

My head spins.

I left a lot behind in Tennessee. My whole life, in fact. I hugged my family and friends all tight and sometimes tearfully said my farewells. I mean, I'm not dying or anything. I'll see them again. But it is sad. It's sad to say goodbye to the people you love in any circumstance and for any given period of time. But they are the rocks on which I stand. They have all showered me with love and support that I never ever knew existed and I am so utterly grateful. I miss them. I know they wish me well, but I miss them.

Now to address the goofy title I gave this post.

My first night alone here, I watched one of my favorite movies, Moulin Rouge. There really isn't anything about that movie that I don't love. If you have never seen it, basically what happens is Ewan McGregor, a penniless writer, falls in love with Nicole Kidman, a prostitute who has almost lost all hope in her humanity. The movie is fueled by music, nearly all covers of relevant hits from all decades. One such song featured is a lovely rendition of "One Day I'll Fly Away," sung by Kidman. I used to sing that song at the top of my lungs in my old house. I would come home after school, have the house to myself, and belt it out. And what made it special was that I meant every word.

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends?

So as I was curled up watching the lovely Nicole sing this tune for the umpteenth time, this time was different. I paused and reflected because my life was different now than it has ever been before.

I flew away.

I still have to keep reminding myself that I am actually here, seven hours from my parents' house, Milligan, and everything and everyone I'm close to back home. I know I have only been here one week, so I suppose it's just something I'll get used to. There's no textbook on how to be strong and stand on your own for the first time in your life. Granted, everyone has advice..some good, some bad, some just downright odd, and some just downright fantastic. So far I've tried to just take it one day at a time and trust in the Lord. He is, after all, the one who led me here. He is the one who gave me the courage, the patience, the strength, and the wings to help me fly all the way to Charleston. And who am I to question a power like that?

Tonight, I'm watching Cold Mountain, another Kidman film. In this one, she's a mild Southern belle who has moved away from Charleston. Funny. I don't know. Maybe it's only funny in my weird little brain. But I thought it was an interesting parallel.

I've made some big decisions as of late. I'm confident but scared. More confident than scared. More excited than nervous. More curious than anxious. More fascinated than ever.

On the southern accent front, I've got Nicole Kidman beat. Hands down. Everything else however, well, that's up for discussion.

Smashing Pumpkins, Disarm

.snoituloseR

You say you want a resolution?
Strike that. Reverse it.

Here's the thing... Every year, I make New Year's resolutions. And every year, I don't follow through. Last year, I wrote an entire post about all the stuff I wanted to do in 2011. And while SOME of the things managed to make it out of the starting gate (like flossing and not drinking soda), and even ONE of them I managed to actually accomplish (yes, I did in fact graduate from college), the rest did not prosper as I so hoped. Sad? Yes. Disappointing? Perhaps? Who really cares? Nadda. So I digress.

My new philosophy for this new year is NOT to make a resolution but instead to reflect and sort of have reverse resolutions...like...resolves. Realizations. Any more "r" words for that sentence, folks? Cause I'm out.

So here's a look back on a year that I have lived, grown in, learned from, and pushed me along, kicking and screaming, into what promises to be my best year ever, 2012....

I have resolved that if you (pardon my language) shit where you eat, it's gonna get you absolutely freaking NO WHERE. If you are rude, inconsiderate, ungrateful, and hateful towards the people who love and care about you, don't count on them to stick around. Part of being a friend or even a family member means taking what they give you and also giving back. I read something online recently that really struck me...

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

How true those words are. So in short, consider the people in your life in what you do and say and especially how you treat them. Life should be full of love, not hate. It seems like a no-brainer to me.

I have resolved that not everyone you meet in your lifetime is going to be your friend. This point may seem counter intuitive to the previous one, but hear me out. Not all persons walking this earth are going to be enriching to you as an individual. Some people are going to speak a different metaphorical language than you do. Maybe these people make you feel like poop about yourself. Maybe they don't understand you and put you down about how you are. Maybe they pressure you to do things you don't want to do. I don't know. Everyone's journey is different. My point is that you gotta know when to draw the line. You gotta know when to walk away. It's not a hateful thing. It's not anything except knowing what's best for YOU. Love is possible even from a distance. It's better to love from a distance than try to make everyone your BFF and get drug through the mud on a daily basis. It can also be considered a health issue. A mental one. An emotional one. Even a spiritual one. Even Jesus knew the right time to walk away.

I have resolved that the economy and job market absolutely sucked the big one this past year, and myself and my fellow college graduates got screwed. However, even if the economy and job market had been phenomenal, I am extremely thankful for my family. They have been there for me in a way I could have never imagined this past year. My family is my support and my everything. If I was really making a concrete resolution this year, I would make the resolution to somehow give back to my family even if it's just a small part of what they have given to me this year. It's immeasurable. I am a very blessed girl who, while desperate to stand on her own two feet like the grown woman she is, loves her mom and dad. Very much.

I have resolved that even though I'm working in a restaurant at the moment, I am thankful for my job and my education. I may have to work for a long time before I find a job in my field, but I'm glad my education is exactly where I want it. And I am very thankful for the job I have. There are good days and bad days, like in any job. But the people I work with are kind, hilarious, and we all care about each other. We're all in it together. Workin' for the man. I couldn't ask for better co-workers. While the next step in my life is impending, I know that when I take it I will miss the people I've come to know and love these past months.

I have resolved that the older I get, the dumber facebook gets. I'm probably a hypocrite for saying that because I'm probably not going to get rid of it (let's be honest here). In some ways, facebook is awesome. You can keep up with your friends and reconnect with people you never thought you'd see or hear from again. It's an amazing tool. That's the whole reason I got one in the first place. But it also really annoys me. It's turned into this whole big thing of relationship statuses and status updates on an hourly basis and checking in places and gossip and trends and all kinds of bull crap. What are you a fan of? Who are you subscribed to? What's on your mind? How many friends and photos of yourself can you round up? It's so much hype for such little things. I don't know why I rant. I guess just because I can... I could have ranted on facebook. But I opted for something slightly less ironic. But only slightly. I've thought about getting a Twitter...but that's like asking which is the lesser between two evils. Haha, okay good Lord dramatic rant over I'm seriously just rambling and okay I'm done.

I have resolved that life finds you. Even if you think that nothing exciting is happening in your life right now, there is. You can run but you can't hide from life. Things happen, like they always say, when you least expect them. Things work out and it blows your mind. Things don't work out and it blows your mind. With all the mind blowing that I've been through this past year, it's amazing I'm still standing. Everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for all of us and it all works together in this amazing way like we're all in this giant ant farm full of intersecting paths and tunnels and short cuts and marathon laps. It's so incredible I can't wrap my brain around it. Life finds you.

Lastly, I have resolved that you are happiest in life when you are just being you. When you aren't putting on any kind of mask or facade, you will find the truest joy. And this is coming from an actress. Weird, huh? But when you find an environment where you don't have to hide...when you find people...or even just one special person with whom you can just let go and be yourself, it fills your heart in a way you can't describe. It's so easy and freeing and sweet and simple and beautiful. It's...like love. Who knew that little old you was capable of such wonder. It's inside all of us. There is a creature lurking inside that big, thumping heart of yours that can set the Atlantic Ocean on fire. There is passion and fun and hope and rage and eagerness and music and dancing and crying and screaming and shouting and joy. Joy to the world. It was there all along. Who knew. Surround yourself with the places and people who bring that out in you. I mean...why wouldn't you. Seriously. Why. Wouldn't. You.

It is my dearest wish that 2012 brings you all your resolutions on a silver platter. And if you're like me and must simply make a few "resolves," I hope you've discovered as much about yourself as I have this year. I also hope that the world doesn't end. But maybe that threat of impending doom will fix us all to live life to the fullest every day this year. Let go of our fears and just jump. I hope the world doesn't end, but nonetheless, as they say in RENT, "No day but today."

Happy New Year. I love you all.

Christmas Blog 2011

"So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun

And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong

And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun

And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

War is over over
If you want it
War is over
Now..."
-John Lennon & Yoko Ono

When trying to come up with what I wanted to write for my Christmas blog this year, I was stumped. But then I remembered how I have heard this song on the radio like 5 times in the past 2 days. That's gotta mean something. I have heard this song by the great John Lennon many times over the years but I have never really taken the time to sit down and really read the words. Lennon was a poet. His words were powerful and each one had purpose and meaning behind it. While this song is played only around Christmas time, its message is universal and timeless.

"War is over if you want it." Isn't that wonderful? I think that's just wonderful. Truly. "Another year over and a new one just begun."

Lennon knew that Christmas was, as is so often stated, a time for peace on Earth and good will toward men, and in his own poetic way he wished that same sentiment. However, he also understood that Christmas is a sad time, too. It's a time of year when some families are pulled apart. It's a sad time this year for my family. My papaw, who passed away in March, his birthday was on Christmas Day. Every year my dad's side of the family would have this big party for Christmas/Papaw's Birthday. It was such a fun night and we all looked forward to it. And this year it won't happen. It's hard. Life is sad sometimes, including Christmas time (and in this case, especially Christmas time). But sadness is not to be fixated on. It's not to be dwelt upon. No one in this life ever got anywhere by saying "woe is me." No. Christmas is a time to remember those who have gone on and celebrate the life and peace we still share. Even in his Christmas songs, Lennon still sang about peace. We need it now more than ever.

I hope with all my heart that you keep those dear to you close to you this Christmas, even if it's just in your heart. Tell your loved ones that you love them. Enjoy the holiday and embrace its spirit wholly. Have a very merry Christmas. I hope it's a good one, without any fear. God bless.

Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.

Thanksgiving Blog 2011

Last year, my thanksgiving blog was a giant list of all the things I felt thankful for. The listed "thankful items" were things, people, places, and ideas that pretty much defined who I was and what I cared about at that time. Reading through the 2010 blog, all of those things still ring true. But in the past year, a lot has changed. Life isn't quite as simple as it was. But the list of things I am thankful for has definitely grown...not only in size but in depth.

I'm thankful for...

Being a citizen of the United States of America. I know this sounds cliche, but every now and then I really just take a moment to pause and reflect on the fact that I am one lucky girl to be born and raised here in the USA. I've never wanted for anything in my entire life. I am spoiled positively rotten. I am extremely blessed to live in a country that is abundant in everything I would ever need, amazing opportunities to achieve greatness, and the freedom to live my life as I please. It's an incredible thing.

My education. Since last Thanksgiving, I earned my Bachelor's Degree. I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here (because I feel like I bring up school and my graduation a lot), but gosh darn it I can't help but praise every Saint in heaven for the fact that I am an educated individual. And adding to it, my education is exactly where I want it to be. I majored in two arts that have my heart and soul wrapped up in them. Even while I wait for job opportunities, it's such a comfort to know that my education is molded into the exact shape I wanted it to be when I started school.

My family. They have done a brave thing and lifted up a black sheep. They are all, and I mean ALL, scientifically and rationally minded people. There are really no other "artists" in my family. Sure, there are a few who can play an instrument or draw very well or sing beautifully, but none of them attempted to pursue the arts in the fashion that I have. But have they even blinked an eye at my decision to do so? No. They have always fully supported me in all of my endeavors. I know what a huge blessing that is. They are the legs I stand on. I love them.

My MSA 12 family. My three best friends in the whole world. The girls who became the sisters I never had. The girls who put up with my dramatics for 4 years. The girls who were never afraid to admit that they were human. The most wonderful people in the world. I love them. And I pray we will always have each other.

My theatre family. After four years of seeing each other at our best and our worst, we all came out alive. We made each other better. We inspired each other. We were a team. And as time went on, we became a family. I am a better artist because of them. I love them. May we grace stages together again someday. It was just too fun to never happen again.

Art. All of it. Everywhere. The whole kit'n'kaboodle. The beauty of art is that it never ends. May it endure and live on always. May traditions like opera and ballet never die. May the children of the current generation understand that auto-tuned actresses singing against a computerized drum beat does not qualify as music. And grinding is not dancing. But whether I love it or hate it, or whether you love it or hate it, may art in all forms live on.

Tomorrow's promise. This is a repeat from last year's list. But I still think about this one almost every day. Having a rough day? Feeling unsure? Can't shake the doubts? Guess what..this too shall pass. And tomorrow life can change. In fact, life can change right now, in this moment. My point is that the future holds so much potential for greatness. Don't dread it. Expand it. Make it yours. What have you got to lose? It's your life. Hello. Yay.

Last, but certainly not least, I am thankful for a God who knows my needs far better than I ever could or ever will. He leads me to places I would never dare go. He directs me away from places I'm desperate to go. But at the end of the day, it's all in his crazy/amazing plan to make my life a life worth living. Sometimes I go kicking and screaming, but He drags me on, bless Him. Excellent example..He knows that my patience, stamina, and sanity needs some muscle. So He put me to work in a restaurant. Oh, the tricks up His sleeve never cease to amaze me... But seriously, I'm thankful for a God who knows me and loves me anyway. I'm thankful for His mercy. Without it, I'm nothing.

May we all remember to be thankful and count our blessings every day of the year. I pray that your Thanksgiving was filled with love, food, and humbleness.

((Oh and Charleston, Diet Mt Dew, Zebo, bagels and cream cheese, bug comic, Cake Boss, Extreme Couponing, Glee, Applebee's, and S.S.M. Whew. Glad I got that off my chest.))

A Little Night Music, Later

Later... When is later?
All you ever hear is "Later, Henrik. Henrik, later."
"Yes, we know, Henrik! Oh, Henrik!
Everyone agrees, Henrik! Please, Henrik!"
You have a thought you're fairly bursting with,
A personal discovery or problem, and it's:
"What's your rush, Henrik? Shush, Henrik!
Goodness, how you gush, Henrik! Hush, Henrik!
You murmur, 'I only-- It's just that--'
For God's sake, later, Henrik!"
"Henrik... Who is Henrik?
Oh, that lawyer's son, the one who mumbles.
Short and boring,
Yes, he's hardly worth ignoring,
And who cares if he's all damned--" I beg your pardon-- "Up inside?"
As I've often stated,
It's intolerable being tolerated.
"Reassure Henrik, Poor Henrik.
Henrik, you'll endure being pure, Henrik."
Though I've been born, I've never been!
How can I wait around for later?
I'll be ninety on my deathbed
And the late, or, rather, later, Henrik Egerman.
Doesn't anything begin?

Just Go With It

I have not blogged in quite a while. There are a few reasons for this. Two that particularly stand out in my mind: one, I've been busy (isn't that the excuse everybody has all the time?); and two, I haven't really had anything to write about. And when I say that I mean I haven't felt like anything that has happened in the past couple of months has been really "of note" so to speak. But things are slowly starting to change. Shift. Metamorph. Is that a word?

I've been a college graduate for almost 6 months now. It's very hard to believe. Sometimes, when I look at my life where it sits now, I feel a little weirded out. I have always been an over-achiever or, at the very least, an achiever. I've always tried my absolutely hardest to simply excel. I kept good grades. I was involved in extra-ciriculars. I was a student leader. It was right where I wanted to be as a student. It was where my family, friends, and mentors wanted me to be as well. And it was a glorious time. But that season has finally come to an end. The "student" chapter of my life is over. O-v-e-r. So after 19 years of being a fully-programmed student achiever, what do I do now that I have "achieved?"

Last January, I sat down with my theatre professor to discuss my future after graduation. He explained to me what to expect with a theatre job and such and I suddenly felt very panicked. I do this thing when I get very, very nervous where I get very quiet and my eyes tears up and I can't talk because of this giant lump that forms in my throat. Some might call this emotion "terror." I was afraid...afraid of the mere prospect of achieving what I had been working towards my entire life. Seeing this fear due to the fact that I can't hide my emotions even if I tried, my professor (and dear friend) asked me what was wrong. I told him very simply that I was beginning to realize that my whole world revolved around one thing and that I was so scared of both not being able to succeed and also succeeding. Nothing about that concept really made sense but it's just how I felt. If I don't succeed, what was it all for? If I do succeed, what more is there? I know I love what I do, but is there more to discover in life that what I had exposed myself to day-in and day-out for all those years? Was there more life to be ventured and ground to be broken outside the walls I had lovingly built for myself?

Of course there was. Of course there is.

I am a very blessed girl. My professor, my mentors, and even my own parents have all told me the same thing. "Melanie, just be happy. It doesn't matter what you're doing, so long as you are happy. The Lord will work things out the way He wants them no matter what, so what is there to worry about?" I am so thankful that last statement is the truest thing I've ever heard.

So here I am, about six months out of school, life seemingly at some kind of halt. But I look around a see blessings.

I have a job which I have actually grown to love. Not for the job itself necessarily but for the people I've met and befriended there. They really are great people and I know how lucky I am to have the job and the co-workers that I have.
I have a family who supports me, believes in me, and have the patience of saints. That is too much of a blessing to even put into words and I hope that no matter where I end up or what I'm doing that I make them proud.
The relationships I have with my school friends stand strong. Possibly even stronger than before. I know what counts in this life and true friends count in a big way. I hope that I stay friends with these people my whole life. They became my family in many ways. They're the siblings I never had and I love them dearly.
I have made friends and built new relationships with people outside of school friends. This was something I was very nervous about upon graduating. School friends were pretty much all I had ever had. New friends are amazing, especially the ones I've made.

But the most amazing lesson I've learned?

If you let go of yourself...
...your insecurities
...your fears
...your doubts
...your self-proclaimed patterns
...your plans
God will not only open wonderful doors and mind-blowing windows...
...but He'll knock down whole walls.

And you'll find happiness where you least expected it.
When you least expected it.
With whom you least expected it.

And God help you if you don't. just. go with it.

Now that's what I call blessed assurance.